AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“I do not look sallow and depressed.”
My mother glared at me in the rearview mirror. “Yes, you do.”
“I do not.”
My sister put her hands up. They brushed against the roof of my mother’s hatchback. “Enough!”
“You’re going to lose everything at this rate,” my mother said. “Is it worth it?”
“First of all, Meghan, I’m going to kill you for telling Mom about Garrett. Second of all, I’m an adult, and it’s all mine to lose. And third of all—is that even a saying? Whatever—kidnapping me from my home isn’t going to help me fix what I’ve screwed up.”
Judging from the way she was gripping the steering wheel tightly through her black leather gloves and pursing her lips, my mother wasn’t buying it. “You can’t string Rob along if you don’t want to be with him. Look, the last thing you’d ever want from me is advice, I know that—”
“Doesn’t stop you from giving it.”
“Don’t interrupt me, Kelly. So help me, I’ll pull over on Lake Shore and leave you by the side of the road like the ladies of the night who work this stretch.”
“Mother!” Meghan cried.
“I’m serious.” My mother continued her tirade, “You’ve been with him for ages. We adore him. The first time you brought him home I told Carl I thought he was a lovely boy with such nice manners and clean collars. And he’s grown into a wonderful man with a steady job and an exacting sense of what he wants from the world. And as Rob’s found himself, grown successful, and, well, grown up, I’ve been watching you wither away.
“You moved into that sterile condo. You’ve turned pale. You seem stuck in that job, and you’re not making any moves to try to find something else.Pale. You’ve been telling me for ages you’re going to finish your film classes, and it’s really not about the debt anymore, you’re not motivated.Pale. I realize it’s not a particularly good metaphor but you are colorful Kelly—you do not have the washed-out beige personality I see when you describe what you’re doing.
“Now you’re mooning over this Garrett fellow, which is the worst kind of affair—trust me, I’ve been there. And I keep thinking that you just need to time to sit and think, to make up your mind. You need to stew in your juices for a while. The boys have gone back to school early. Carl is off at his annual work retreat in Niagara Falls until New Year’s Eve. And you and I are going to hash this out once and for all. I’m going to sort you out whether you like it or not.”
There was no arguing with my mother when she had her mind set on mothering. I stared out the window as wet snow smashed up against it, and I realized that I hated the fact that she was right. I didn’t know what I was doing. I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I hadn’t even admitted to myself that things were so off course with Rob that I didn’t know how to correct anything.
“This isn’t about me being right, and people getting hurt when you ruin things,” my mother said, softening a bit. “You can’t solve your problems by being so awful that other people take action instead of you. There’s no reason for you to stay on a course that’s not making you happy.”
“Things might not be perfect right now, but overall, I’m not unhappy, Mother. Maybe I’m a little unsatisfied, but who isn’t at my age?”
“You’re stranded. We’re your lifeboat. You need to leap off the ship. It’s sinking.”
“Dear god, Mother,” Meghan said. “All the self-help metaphors, interventions, and lifeboats—make sure you throw her an oar so she can paddle up to shore once in a while for a conversation that won’t have her rolling her eyes and not taking you seriously.”
That did it. The tension broke despite everything, and then we settled into silence cut by the CBC that drifted along until we got home. Meghan said she would walk home, and I surrendered to the “intervention,” which, for the moment, meant grilled cheese sandwiches and Campbell’s tomato soup. I couldn’t remember when, in the past few days, I’d had a better meal.
“So.” My mother handed me a chocolate chip cookie. “Tell me what’s going on. Start at the beginning. No, tell it to me straight: Are you having an affair?”
“No, don’t be ridiculous, nothing’s happened. Nothing will happen. Garrett is a friend. I’ll admit my feelings for him are out of control, but I’ve hurt Rob’s feelings enough. I have to make this better. I love Rob.”
“I’m not sure you do, darling.”
I reached over to brush away a light dusting of crumbs on my mother’s chin, and she continued thoughtfully. “You’ve got psychological scarring from all the back and forth growing up. I know your father was, and continues to be, ridiculous, but you can’t tie yourself into a serious relationship you don’t want to be in just because you don’t want to end up like me, bouncing around until I was in my late thirties, and then finally finding the one. You can’t spit shine Rob and turn him into the one. It’s okay not to be together forever. It’s okay if you never want to get married. It’s okay if you never want to have kids. I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like you had to conform to any of those ideals.”
“It’s not about conforming, it’s really not,” I replied, taking a sip of hot tea. “I want to want to marry him. I want to want to have kids. I want to want all of it, but deep down there’s a quagmire of doubt about everything. I can’t put my finger on it. And Garrett’s just there. He’s funny and smart, and we have so much in common, and Rob’s so busy, I don’t know. Garrett is like a raw energy I can’t stop. I find myself doing stupid things, wearing too-short skirts and getting too comfortable.”
“Men and women can’t be friends.”
“Oh, they can. But not with Garrett. I think I love him.”
“Absolutely not.”
“What do you mean, ‘absolutely not’?”
“You’re projecting.”
“Projecting what?”
