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“I hope not, mainly because her husband’s here.”
I raised my eyebrows. “He’s usually so elusive, I thought he didn’t exist. Okay, I’ll go down myself and ask. Did she give you her ticket?”
Beth handed it over and waved to her favorite of the publicity assistants. The poor girl was tasked with looking under and on top of tables and chairs for the missing evening bag.
People were milling about on the stairway that led down to the coat check, which was a good sign. Tipsy couples were entwined, there was lots of laughter, raucous and jovial people were stumbling slightly but never falling—these were movie-perfect moments that made me feel proud of what Beth had accomplished. I was having a good time despite the events of the past few days crashing around in my mind. I was lucky that good New Year’s Eve celebrations with Rob far, far outweighed the one truly horrible one I could remember.
* * *
The first New Year’s that I had spent with Rob we went to a horrible house party way outside of the city, in a small town north of Toronto where Tanya lived. We slipped and slid all the way there in his car, with the snow barreling down and making me scared we’d crash at any moment. I was worried about getting there and equally worried about getting home. No, knowing that I probablywouldn’tget home that night, I was worried about thinking up an excuse that my mother would believe. I didn’t understand why we had to go all the way out of town to be together. There were New Year’s parties all over the city that we could have crashed, or, better yet, have accepted invitations to. Instead, we ended up driving out of town in a snowstorm.
Rob had said, convincingly, “Tanya’s friend’s parents are in Florida. There’ll be good drugs and soft beds. It’ll be fun, trust me. There’ll be a bunch of her high school friends there, who are cool. Like you, you know, not preppy. Not Queen’s kids. You can talk shop. Plus,” he added, squeezing my shoulders, “we can be together, properly, at midnight. A whole new start to the year.”
I had told my mother that I’d be going out to spend New Year’s at a local party, because if she had known we were going so far away and most likely not coming home until the next morning she might not have let me go—the weather was that bad.
When Rob picked me up I hadn’t yet warmed up properly from a long walk I’d just taken along the lakeshore with my sister. I made him blast the heat, and he complained about it the whole way there. We turned the music up too loud on the way out of town. Our singing along was more like shouting as the car sped along Highway 50.
We arrived early, and the party took forever to get going. Tanya was three sheets to the wind, but it was good to see her. The house was filled to the brim with people. An old-fashioned house party. My high school friends and I were more the type to hit an indie rock club than a house party, but I was trying my best to fit in. Sloan was at least playing on the stereo. Still, I didn’t have anyone except Rob and Tanya to talk to, until I sat down on a plaid couch and someone joined me. She had long, dark hair that was pin straight; she was rail thin and gorgeous, her light-blue eyes were stunning, and she had amazing cheekbones.
We ambled through a mildly friendly conversation for a while. I could not understand how or why she would want to smell like cake, but she did. And she was smart—I could tell from the kinds of questions she asked and the disdain she expressed for what she didn’t like. Rob and Tanya were playing some stoner game of charades that only they found funny—there was the similarity in their mannerisms, their sense of humor—and it got me thinking about family traits hiding away in the corners of a person, and how Meghan and I were the same, similar to each other in ways that only we would notice.
“I thought you’d look different,” she said.
“I’m sorry? Different from what?”
“From this.”
My expression, I’m sure, was confused. I didn’t know her, but how did she know me—and then it hit me. This was Carys, Rob’s ex-girlfriend.
“You’re gorgeous,” I said.
“Yeah, it makes you wonder, doesn’t it?”
My heart stopped for a moment, and I stood up quickly. “Excuse me, I’m going to find a drink.”
I wandered around the house, away from the center of the party, and spent time poking around the rooms that were off limits by unspoken rule. Sat by myself in an unused office for a while and wondered if Rob had known she would be here. If he had known and hadn’t told me because for sure I wouldn’t have come. And when I finally ended up back in the living room, bored, I saw Rob sitting on the couch and Carys leaning over him, her hands on his knees. He was holding her hair away from her ear and saying something to her that was making them both laugh conspiratorially. I didn’t need to know the details. He didn’t see me. She did, but she didn’t break away from him.
For a second, only one, I almost stepped forward and pulled them apart. In the next second, I had had enough. I went to find our coats and my bag. I took every last penny of the money Rob had in his wallet and walked out the door into the bitter air. We were in Bolton, a suburb off the main road, and I couldn’t walk all the way back to Etobicoke. I found a convenience store still open, and they called me a cab. The driver took me to the subway for a flat fee, which turned out to be every dollar I had minus my subway fare, and I was okay with that. A calmness hovered underneath me—not staying was never something I had considered before. Shouting, tearing through my emotions like they were tissue paper and leaving the shreds at his feet, yes. Throwing anything to hand, sure. But calmly saying no and walking away, then finding a way home from a place I had never even wanted to come, was liberating.
I was home well before midnight. I slept well—really well—and woke up the next day to my mother’s delicious waffles. She had made an amazing strawberry sauce from the berries she’d frozen during the summer and delicately put away for this New Year’s Day, when Meghan and I devoured them without taking a breath.
“I thought you weren’t coming home,” Meghan whispered.
“The party wasn’t what it was cracked up to be. I was bored so I came home. New Year’s is so pointless.”
Meghan punched me in the shoulder. “Bullshit. It’s your favorite holiday. You still need to make your resolutions because it won’t be a new year unless we have our one-to-one competition. I’m still ahead. I stuck with swimming this year, but you did not, I repeat,notexcel at not losing your temper. Tell me what really happened.”
“Nothing,” I said. “I didn’t want to be there.”
I wanted to tell my sister that Rob had abandoned me midparty. But I also didn’t want to tell her. Rob was the nice one. Rob didn’t do things like that at parties. He called later in the morning, when he could be sure he wouldn’t wake anyone up, wondering what happened, worried, concerned.
“I saw you,” I said.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Kel, what’s going on? You just took off. I couldn’t find you, and I’ve been worried sick.”
“I’m fine, I took a cab home. Look, I don’t want to talk to you right now. I’ll see you when we’re both back in Kingston next week.”
Rob cried when I finally told him how that night had made me feel. He promised nothing happened, and I told him it was okay if it did—they had history.But you’re my future. And I’d felt that way for all this time. Like being his future made me safe. In the end it didn’t, because people change and grow and evolve and adapt, even if you love each other.
