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He thought he was prepared for any objection, but he hadn’t planned on that one. “You don’t want a family?”
Fat tears rolled down her cheeks as she shook her head in misery. “It’s not about want. It’s just not feasible with my life. Not like what you want.”
A lot of different words crowded to the tip of his tongue, but none sounded just right. This was too important to guess at, so Kyle just tipped his head, touching his forehead to Laney’s. He hoped she could see how much he loved her in his eyes. He wanted to tell her, but not in response to tears or drama.
Her breath was still hitching in her chest as she tried to stifle little sobs, and he smoothed over her hair and down her cheek. “Shhhh. Sweetheart, it’s okay.”
“Stop say..saying that.” She turned her head to the side, pressing her face into the pillow.
Kyle rolled off her with a sigh. Nothing she could say would sway how he felt, or what he was going to do, but he didn’t want to steamroll her either. He traced lazy patterns on her back until her breathing returned to normal, trying to show her in actions what she didn’t want to hear.
He wouldn’t trade Laney for an alternate life with children and another woman as his wife. There was no doubt in his mind about that. If she didn’t want children, then they wouldn’t have any. But she was wrong about not wanting a family. Kyle was going to be there, steady and quiet and constant, until she realized that they were a unit.
It wasn’t going to happen overnight. He wouldn’t walk away from his job, so he had told her the truth. The next step was him visiting Chicago on the next school break. And maybe setting up some appointments with elementary school principals while he was there. He turned the plan over in his mind, pleased with himself. He opened his mouth to tell Laney in no uncertain terms that she was everything he could ever want, but the words died in his throat when her phone rang.
She leapt out of bed with a curse. Who would be calling her in the middle of the night? Kyle followed her into the main room. She glanced at the display and swore again. Kyle’s heart sank as she answered.
“Rick? What are you...Oh. My god, are you okay?...No, I’m still in Wardham. I told you I probably wouldn’t be home until the 30th...” She threw an apologetic look in Kyle’s direction and wandered into the kitchen.
He didn’t bother to follow. He didn’t want to hear half of her conversation with some guy named Rick, who was familiar enough to call her in the middle of the night when he had a problem. He didn’t want to draw any unfair conclusions about this asshole who got to hear her say the word “home” and mean the city that they both lived in. They hadn’t talked explicitly about being exclusive, though, and Kyle sank to the couch. He shook his head. He wasn’t going there. Liar, you’ve already gone there.
“...I’m almost six hours away, and I haven’t slept much tonight...That’s none of your business. I can take your shift the next night, though. I’ll head back later today.”
Laney ended the call and came over to join Kyle on the couch. She laid her hand on his arm. “I have to...”
“I know, I heard.” He couldn’t keep the hurt out of his voice. He hated that he had been so confident five minutes earlier, and one work-related call tore that to shreds. How could he promise that he could fit into her life when it would be months of this before they lived in the same place? Deja vu swept over him and he realized that he’d been at this same crossroads before.
It was the day before Laney was to leave for Harvard. She had slept over at his place the night before, but that night she was going back to the farm. The thought of not seeing her again until Thanksgiving tore him up inside. She had been telling him about her future classmates who she’d connected with already online. He had never experienced raw jealousy before, and it tore through him like bright green toxic waste.
“Just don’t go and fall in love with any of those Harvard douchebags, okay?”
“Kyle, don’t... Please be excited for me.”
“It’s hard to be excited about only seeing you a handful of times over the next year.”
“We’ll talk every night.”
“Until you get too busy with studying.”
Each barb was a spark on dry tinder, and neither noticed until it was too late. The fight was long and drawn-out. There were many points where Kyle could have pulled back, could have apologized and saved the relationship, but he was too angry to think straight. He couldn’t remember most of what he said, but he’d never forget the last poison tipped dart he whipped at her before she walked out.
“Med school can’t keep you warm at night. It won’t rub your feet or give you babies. I love you Laney, too bad that’s not enough for you.”
He hadn’t thought about those words in a long time. Regret lanced through him. He had damaged more than their relationship that day.
Now it was the middle of the night and she was needed at a hospital five hundred kilometres away. Kyle pulled Laney hard against his chest. “Go do what you have to do. Call me when you get a chance. I’ll come and visit. I’ve got Red Bull, remember? Gotta make a road trip somewhere, might as well be Chicago.”
“I’m sorry,” She mumbled into his neck. “I thought we’d have another day.”
He tugged her high enough to steal a kiss. “Don’t worry about it.”
“I didn’t want to say goodbye like this.”
“We’re not.”
Pain twisted across her face. He wanted to ease that for her, but he knew she wouldn’t believe him. Not yet.
“I’m not asking you for anything.” Kyle cupped her face in his hands. “I’m just saying that I’ll see you again soon. That’s on me to make happen, and I will. Promise.”
