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God, his arse…
But it was more than that. It was the connection we’d made from the start. I more than liked the idea of being near Charlie and not in a ‘just friends’ way.
Charlie had ignited my bi-curiosity months ago and once that door had opened, I couldn’t shut it down.
But I also didn’t know what to do about it. And my timing couldn’t be worse.
Or maybe I was just frustrated in general because I hadn’t had sex in, well, two years.
Feck, that’s a long time, even for me.
But I couldn’t be bothered, and especially not with my work schedule. Hookups were all I had time for, but I wasn’t into that. Maybe that was odd to most people, but I just didn’t feel that immediate spark of lust. If I did have sex, it was with a woman I knew, someone I was friendly with first.
But even then, the fucking was lacking. The truth was, my sex life was far from satisfactory. Always had been. And I didn’t know if it meant something was wrong with me or what. It was another aspect of my life where I felt different from the norm.
Whatever normal was.
The handful of women I’d slept with expected something I couldn’t give them. I guess looking like I did and fighting like I had, their assumptions were not surprising. But the truth was, I preferred to let my partner lead. But I didn’t know how to ask for that. Or maybe I was afraid of their reaction.
Either way, I didn’t say anything.
And, for the past twenty-four months, I hadn’t bothered with sex at all. I had better orgasms on my own.
But when I got back from Thailand, my anxiety and depression—which I’d battled since my teens—came roaring back. And I knew that I couldn’t go on denying that I was unhappy.
The only person I’d confided in was Korry. He came out years ago, and it hadn’t been easy. Our mum was supportive but the rest of our extended family? Not so much. Korry told me that despite the loss of some relationships, he had no regrets. Living his truth as a gay man was the best decision he’d ever made.
And when Charlie stopped texting, and I was left confused, I turned to my brother for advice.
Talking about all this with him, I recently realized that A, I was bisexual and B, probably demi and C, maybe pan. I needed that emotional connection. And I started to wonder if it wasn’t the gender of the person, but the person I was attracted to. That would certainly explain my reaction to Charlie.
I’d never been hard for a man before, but I couldn’t deny that’s what was happening.
Charlie was open about his queerness, and I envied him his confidence. And I wondered if I should talk to him about what I was feeling. Not about him, directly, but what I was going through.
That was the plan.
Until I exited the bathroom, and spotted Charlie falling out of his bunk. All my thoughts, except catching him, fell to the wayside.
I ran and reached him in time, as he rolled over and dropped into my arms.
“You seem to be having a balance problem tonight,” I declared as I stared down at his dark blue eyes.
Both of us were breathing hard.
He was naked, save for his tight black briefs. The feel of his warm skin against mine made me shiver and at the same time, made me want to hold him tighter.
“Two for two,” Charlie flushed and shook his head. “You can let me down now. I swear I’m okay.”
“Oh, sorry,” I gently placed him on his feet.
He quickly stepped back, and I heard the loud smack as his back hit the edge of the upper bunk.
“Ow,” Charlie muttered and rubbed his back. “Dammit.”
“Do tight spaces make you nervous?”
Charlie bit back a grin and my face flushed.
