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I growled, and his eyes lifted to mine again.
“Yes?” he asked like he hadn’t a care in the world. The bond told me that wasn’t the case.
There had been an underlying string of worry for weeks. I assumed his research wasn’t helping, but I couldn’t tell. The direction shifted so often, I wasn’t sure what it concerned anymore. He jumped from book to book and back like if he could fix the pieces of a puzzle the right way, he’d be able to save everything. My brain didn’t work that way. I knew I couldn’t research my way out of this. My people would either accept me or not. I was tired of worrying about what the sunrise would bring. For now, I wanted to lie under the sun and enjoy the days I had left with my mate.
“You know the mark means more to my people than marriage. It’s permanent. Marriage can be undone.”
“I understand as much now. I’m not sure it clicked with me before how undoable it was.”
“You thought a mating mark was undoable?” I wasn’t frustrated by the assumption, but it was a little odd to assume a scar of any kind could be wiped clean.
“There is a difference between wearing your ownership for the rest of my life and this bond.”
“And you chose undoable. It’s till the end.”
“You know we were undoable before the bond.” He scoffed, turning a page. “We have always been till the end.”
“We did a pretty good job of ignoring each other.” I paced, uncomfortable in my skin. I didn’t like this, but I couldn’t figure out why.
Vin fixed me in another long gaze while he considered my words. “Sometimes. You seemed to have spied on me frequently.”
“I’d like you to call it what it was—light stalking.”
“Did it make you feel better?” he asked, snapping the book shut decisively to give me his full attention for the first time in what felt like weeks. Even when we fucked, his mind felt elsewhere. Like he was with me, but also poring over books.
“No, it frequently made me feel worse,” I admitted.
“Then why did you do it?” Confusion washed through the bond in waves. He didn’t understand.
“I couldn’t stop myself. At first, I thought I could make myself—numb to your—entertaining.”
Vin scoffed. “Nice choice of words.”
“And then it became an all-consuming sickness. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I didn’t know how to make it stop.” Not where I wanted to go. I swallowed back the emotion building in my throat, willing it away. He’d already gleaned too much from the bond, I was sure. “Seeing you was better than not seeing you, but it still wrecked me to watch you with others. Gods, I missed you.”
He pressed his palm into his chest. “I’m sorry I caused you so much pain.”
“I caused myself the pain.”
Vin cast his gaze to his cup, picking it up but not drinking. “I didn’t make it easier for you.”
“No, most days you made it harder, but I didn’t blame you.”
He gave a single nod. “I would blame me.”
“Were you making it harder for me on purpose?” I asked, finally letting free the question I’d thought so many times. I’d wanted to utter it over and over but bit it back. I surprised myself finally letting it escape.
“Been holding onto that one a long time?”
“How did you know?”
“The way the bond rippled when you said it, it made it feel old. Like it festered, I guess, would be the best way to explain it.” He closed his eyes, showing me how he felt it.
I cringed as his words echoed with his feelings, almost like they could suffocate me from his body. “We are so fucked with this.”
He nodded again, finally drinking more of his coffee but thankfully not returning to his book. “Yes, I made it hard for you on purpose a lot of days, hoping it would break you. I didn’t know how else to drag you back to me. You were so determined to avoid this for your entire life. I was tired of waiting.”
“Could you feel me watching you?”
