AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“I felt what I felt.”
“You felt me mourning bad decisions.”
“There it is. Mourning me.”
“I’ve never mourned you, and I knew what I was getting myself into with you every fucking step of the way. I don’t regret my choices.”
“I felt it.”
“You felt me mad at myself for choosing to make a trade,” I snapped.
“For me.”
“It wasn’t for you. It was for me. I don’t blame my actions on anyone else, and frankly, I’m rather insulted you think I would.”
He dropped his fist but got in my face. “You told me why the quickening made you sick, and I was one of the reasons.”
“I still did it, didn’t I? I didn’t buy my way out of it. I fucked all of them, every single fertile woman who wanted a ride. I gave it to them. I prevented any long-term consequences of those nights, but it didn’t stop me from doing it.” I hadn’t enjoyed it, but I didn’t stop it, and I’d gotten off over and over and over, but it made me sick to be used as such, even for the betterment of the pack. “And I betrayed them. All of them. I’d traded what should be a way for my kind to flourish for a way to exploit them. Of course, I’m mourning my bad decisions.”
“But you stopped after you met me.”
“The year after. Yes.”
“So you stopped because of me.” His voice was low and laced with an emotion I couldn’t read.
“No, I couldn’t bear it. I didn’t want to keep those memories that made me want to die. Anyone’s hands but you on me is like torture.”
“Would you have done it had we not met?”He softened some.
“How would I know the person I would be if we hadn’t met? It’s impossible. This is who I am. This is what the universe gave me. I can’t change any of it. So I live with my choices.”
He stared into my eyes, and I stared back, unwavering. “And now they won’t trust you.”
“I can’t exactly tell them.”
“Wait... You’ve been alpha for longer than you’ve known me. How did you prevent it before you went to her?” He tilted his head, working through it himself. “Or do you already have children?”
“I used a herb mixture before. But it’s not a guarantee, and it...has unpleasant side effects.”
His brows rose. “Enlighten me.”
I rubbed my brow and broke the eye contact. “The mixture leaves me weak for days, if not weeks. I vomit for about three days after coming down from it. It prevents a shift and leaves me open to attack. I knew I couldn’t keep doing it. I was too vulnerable, and it’s not completely effective. There was a pregnancy the last year I used it, just after we met, which was another big reason I looked for an alternative.”
He ground his teeth. “A pregnancy?”
“Stillborn. But it was eight months of fear.” The pain was still raw, even after years.
“Because of the herbs?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know, but she still won’t look me in the eyes, so it’s my fault either way.”
He shook his head. “It’s not.”
“It is, and I carry it, too. I carry it all, Vinkettin, so stop thinking you are the only thing on my mind. I have hundreds of lives that count on me, and I’ve let them down so spectacularly that they should kill me. I deserve it. I don’t mourn you; I mourn denying you so long. Had I faced my pack with the truth about what I am and who I love, I could have prevented all of this. So, you’re fucking wrong. If anything, I am realizing how stupid I am and how I failed all of you.”
He grabbed my shirt, but instead of hitting me, he wrapped his arms around my shoulders. “Had I made you choose me years ago, I could have prevented so much of this. It’s my fault I’m not a better partner. I could have told you what I suspected. I could have supported you.” His words were backed by truth flowing between us. “I should have been more honest, but I didn’t want to force you to choose me. I wanted you to do it on your own.”
I rested my forehead on his. “We can’t live like this, with the weight of these decisions clouding it all. We’ve made choices, dumb ones, but we did the best we knew at the time, and we have to find a way forward, or I’m going to end up in the ground.”
