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I hold back the tears, hoping he’ll leave so I can release them. Hoping he’ll stay so I don’t have to.
The door clicks behind him, making a delicate noise. I likely wouldn’t have noticed if I already wasn’t hyper fixated on his absence in this room. When I’m sure I heard the front door open and close, I sling myself back on the bed and feel the tears begin to slip from my eyes. The hair at my temples begins to feel damp but the tears aren’t done yet.
I know Drew and Hawk are out there. I know they’re waiting for me to emerge. But I don’t have it in me. I don’t want to see them or anyone else. I want to slip softly into a deep, coma-like sleep for the next twenty-four to thirty-six hours and then pretend none of this ever happened.
I want to go back to dating dirtbags and losers who won’t disappoint me because I have zero hopes or expectations.
Life was so much simpler then. I didn’t hurt anywhere.
And Derek was nothing more than an untainted dream.
LOSING SLEEP
DEREK
It’s been five days since I last saw Will in that dimly lit bedroom. It’s been five days since I wounded her. I expected she’d come home the next day, just needing a night away. When she didn’t, I reached out to my brother. He said she wouldn’t be returning until I moved out. And to please respect her space and not stop by the shop unannounced.
That’s fair, I suppose. Time and space is the least I can give her. But being in her apartment under these circumstances, surrounded by her things, her scent…well, let’s just say it’s not doing me any favors.
This morning, I unscrewed the cap of her expensive shampoo and inhaled deeply. Willette isn’t all that bougie. She’s simplistic overall, with a few exceptions. She likes expensive fancy shampoo and conditioner. And the red lipstick she wears is a specific brand and shade she refuses to compromise on.
In her absence, I can appreciate these details even more, see them for what they really are. She’s intricate. And wild. It’s a strange combination she pulls off flawlessly.
It’s Sunday. Her favorite day. As I lie in bed after my creepy shower, I can’t help but hope she’s curled up somewhere reading. That’s what her Sundays are for, after all. It would be sad to think that because of all this, she’s not doing that today.
A few more days, and I’ll be out of here and in my own place. My agent managed to expedite the entire buying process plus get me early possession, so everything will be back to normal before long. Well,normalmight not be the right term, but maybe or hopefully it will be better. At least for Willette.
Even though I’m not scheduled to work today, I briefly consider going in anyway. At least I wouldn’t spend the day lying in bed alone. Seems like a waste of time and I honestly have too much energy for it. I twist my neck from one side to the other until I hear a satisfying popping noise.
Maybe instead of going into the hospital to work, I can visit the kids in the cancer center, maybe bring them something. I don’t care what’s going on in my life, those kids always make me feel better. The more I think about it, the more I talk myself into this plan.
I sit up, swinging my feet over the edge of the bed and sliding my tennis shoes on. Let’s see, what can I bring the kids today? Willette and I brought stuffed animals, so maybe some coloring books and activity pads with crayons and stuff. Something fun for sure. Being with them will definitely take my mind off things. At least I hope.
I grab my keys and wallet, then shoot my brother a text on my way out. I’ve tried to text when I’ll be away from the apartment in case Willette wants to come back but still avoid me. I feel like total shit she has to do that. I would have left. I would’ve stayed with Hawk and Drew instead. I’m not sure if she was too proud to ask or preferred it this way, in order to be closer to them. For whatever the reason, I figure the least I can fucking do is send him a message to let her know.
* * *
I must havesomething like two hundred coloring books and activity pads in my trunk. I didn’t count. I just started shoveling them into my cart. Cleaned out the whole section. And boxes of crayons and colored pencils? Probably just as many. Cleaned them out too. Granted there aren’t that many staying in the cancer center wing, but I like to bring options. Who wants to be stuck with a unicorn coloring book if you don’t like unicorns?
When I arrive, I have one of the male nurses on the floor give me a hand and use a cart to get it all in one trip. It’s not that I wouldn’t have asked one of the women to help, or don’t think they can do it. But they just seemed busier than this guy.
I speak with the nurse in charge, one of my favorites, and learn all the kids are gathered in the recreation room. Perfect timing. After wheeling my cart down and into the room, they all begin standing to greet me and shouting my name. They call me Doctor Derek.
“Hey, how’s it going?” I ask, delivering high-fives and secret handshakes. They all shout things at the same time so I resort to nodding and smiling.
“Well, I brought some goodies, if you want to sort of form a line,” I suggest.
The kids scurry to form what looks like a bloated line, bowing out in the middle and curving around. It’s good enough but makes me chuckle.
A few at a time step up to choose what they want. I’ve got everything from puppies to princesses, and they seem super excited.
After the line dies down, I see one of the kids sitting toward the edge of the room, who wasn’t in line. I know immediately it’s Connor. He’s got a special place in my heart and I’ve been seeing him here regularly for a while now. I grab two of the books and some pencils and crayons, making my way over to him.
“What’s up, man?” I ask.
Connor’s shoulders shrug, his eyes downcast, feet swinging. “Just bummed.”
“What’s going on?” I ask.
