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His death was a good thing.I know it is.Yet, I look at Anthony and see Cypher. They’re wrapped together in my head until I can’t separate them. My love for my son keeps me from fully hating Cypher.
When I told Scout and Anthony how Cypher and Kraken were dead, she cried while he only shrugged. I don’t think my son remembers Cahuenga as well, but he remembers enough. His therapist has worked with him on the issue, making sure he doesn’t ignore his feelings over what happened.
“I don’t want to go back,” Scout told me after she calmed down.
“There’s nowhere to go back to. The old compound is gone.”
Rafe burned down what our father built. He was so full of rage over the loss of Hollis and Sutton. Family meant more to him than Kraken’s legacy.
Recently, Rafe called me to see if I was still happy with my life.
“I can’t save you,” he said quietly as if I might ask him to do to the Born Villains what he did to the Horned Angels. “But I can try to help.”
“We’re happy here, Rafe. Overlord has given us a home.”
Rafe and Overlord have spoken only once since I arrived at the Sanctuary.
“There will be survivors. I couldn’t get them all,” Rafe said, sounding more sad than angry. “They’ll want sanctuary at your compound.”
“None of them are welcome here,” Overlord replied instantly. “Not after what happened.”
Overlord refused to allow men who hurt me to find refuge at the Sanctuary. He wouldn’t offer aid to their women or children, either. His coldness shocked me, but I was also relieved. I couldn’t have those people infiltrate my safe place.
The last time I spoke to Rafe, he reminded me to contact him if our missing brother ever showed up. I haven’t seen Finch since the day Cypher, Dio, and the other Horned Angels claimed the club from Kraken.
For a while, I assumed Finch got wind of the attack and ran. As time passed, I came to accept how he likely never got far.
But I won’t tell Rafe how I believe Finch is probably dead. I let my brother hope because I realize the truth might end him. Rafe went to prison to protect Kraken, who was by then an old man with a tenuous grip on power. The club would have been stronger if Rafe let Kraken do the time, and he took over as President. The men respected and feared my brother. They would have bowed to him.
Rafe did the righteous thing by going to prison to protect his family, but his sacrifice led to most of his people dead and his future in ashes.
“If you ever need a home,” I told him the last time when his quiet pain infected me, “you can come to the Sanctuary.”
Overlord didn’t react to my words. Before Cahuenga burned down, we’d spoken of giving Rafe refuge as a way to push back against the Horned Angels. With their mutual enemy destroyed, Overlord might not see any reason to help Rafe.
I was never close to my brothers. They were the golden children. None of them protected me. Yet, I saw the burden dumped on Rafe as the oldest son of a powerful, cruel man.
“I willingly followed Kraken out the Sanctuary’s front gates,” Rafe replied to my offer. “You were just a kid, but I knew what I was choosing. I gave up any right to call that place home.”
“You’re still my brother,” I said, choking up.
I was overwhelmed by memories of how happy Rafe had been as a kid here. We were all better off before we left the Sanctuary. Kraken ruined a lot of lives with his choice to go.
“Jules, you’d be smart to forget you have Kraken’s blood running through your veins. Scout, Anthony, and you weren’t really part of the family. Just forget us and be happy.”
My brother ended the call after saying those words, leaving me miserable over how I couldn’t save him.
My thoughts linger on Rafe as I sit in the backyard and imagine Ghost, Luca, and the others traveling outside of the Born Villains’ territory. They are risking their lives to save strangers. I wouldn’t be brave enough to do the same.
All morning, I find myself struggling again with my self-worth. My closest friend, Mabie, must sense my inner battle because she hugs me as soon as she arrives with her son, Clark for a playdate.
We became fast friends after I moved back to the Sanctuary. These days, Mabie—a dark-eyed brunette with olive skin and a barely-there baby bump—now goes by the old lady name “Care Bear.” She and Blunt are building a house down the block.
Despite how good things are with her right now, Mabie understands how easily we can self-sabotage. She is always quick to remind me to focus on what I can control like Overlord and the kids.
“You’re happy,” she says as she often does. “You deserve to be. No one can take that away from you.”
Nodding, I consider how tense Overlord was last night. In the past, before I returned to his life, he would have gotten drunk to deal with the stress dragging him down. Last night, I used my affections to distract and calm him. Overlord trusts me. My body soothes him. He listens to my advice. I’m who he turns to when he can’t handle the burden of protecting everyone.
