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“Dad. You’re a thief too, remember. You’re just as dumb.”
“Right. But I’m a thief with morals.”
“You stole from my high school science teacher. Remember that? You took his wallet during a parent-teacher conference.”
“Did I get away with it? I don’t remember that at all.”
“No, you got caught. And you don’t remember because of all the pills you were on that time.”
He smiles fondly. “I could use some of those about now.”
“Dad.”
“Right, I get your point, butmypoint is this. I have no money, Heloise. I can’t pay back Erick and the other two even if I wanted, which I really don’t, because fuck those rich bastards. They’re still fine, aren’t they? I don’t see them fucking suffering.”
“Dad.”
“Okay, I’m staying on track.” He takes a deep, rattling breath, and I imagine I can hear the sickness inside his lungs. It’s ugly, crinkling like tissue paper. “I can’t hand my partner’s identity over. That’s another problem. Because once I do that, I don’t have any leverage anymore, and anyway, I don’t know where he’s hiding. All I’ve got are guesses and they might all be wrong.”
“You can make a deal.” I glance over toward the door. Erick said he’s not eavesdropping, but I can’t help but wonder. “He’ll listen to me. I can negotiate something for you.”
“There’s no way the other two are gonna listen. Costa might go for that though. So far, he’s been shockingly soft on me, which I guess is your doing.” Dad’s lips press together. “What’s the deal with that?”
“Complicated,” I say, feeling uncomfortable. My dad’s never been shy about boy stuff but still, it’s a little weird. “But he really will listen to me if you want me to talk to him.”
“Frost and Gallo are the real problem. Even if Costa cuts me some slack because of yourcomplicatedrelationship, the other two sure as hell won’t. I’m in a bad spot, my girl.”
I nod slowly, staring at him. “Why did you email me? Why did you reach out to begin with? You might still be hiding if you hadn’t.”
He laughs, coughs, laughs again. “Desperation.”
“You never do anything when you’re desperate. That’s one of your rules, remember?”
“I’m dying, sweetheart, and some part of me wanted to be with my daughter one last time. Rules don’t matter in the end. I figured, I’m screwed anyway, I might as well try to see if I can’t be screwed and with the only person that ever gave a damn about me.”
“Dad—”
He holds up a hand, his face serious. “No, listen to me, because I don’t know if I’ll ever get a chance to say this again. You were the best part of my life, kid. I really mean that. I’ve done a lot of bad shit as you’re well aware, but spending time with you always made me feel like a better man, and if I’ve got any regrets, it’s not being around you more especially when you were little. I’m sorry I was a shit dad and a generally awful person, but I do love you. I always loved you, Heloise.”
He gets me crying again, the asshole. I hug him, and mumble how I love him too and he wasn’t so bad, but we both know it’s not true. He really was a terrible father, barely around, barely involved, and half the time too fucked up or into his own problems to pay attention.
But there are those glorious days still burned into my memory. The days where he taught me things, where he showed me how to spot a mark in a crowd, how to catch the eye of the pickpockets, how to stand at a craps table and laugh at the dice, how to live, how to be bold and big and loud. That was my daddy—a glowing monstrosity, a black hole, a diamond. Even mixed in with all the bad things, I still see him like a brightness in my mind. It hurts, that light, hurts me all the time, but I’d never give it up for anything.
“Alright, I’ll talk to Erick.” I wipe my eyes with my sleeve. “You don’t have to say anything else, okay? I’ll see what he thinks and we’ll go from there.”
“Sure, Heloise, sure. But can you promise you’ll be back? Before the end, I mean.”
“Dad—”
“No, don’t get upset, I just mean I want to spend a little more time with you. Hear about what you’ve been up to this last year.”
“Yeah, okay, I promise I’ll be back. I won’t be gone long, okay?”
“Good.” He grins and squeezes my hand. “Love you. Hey, come on, what’d I teach you about crying?”
“Don’t ever do it?”
“Nah. I taught you crying’s great for getting out of trouble, but always be in control of it. Remember?”
