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Following Blackjack out of the building, I see his bike is parked up next to mine. I secure the bag to the back of my hog before I climb on, pulling my helmet over my head.
The rumble of our engines is a soothing sound, so familiar to me, it calms the pounding in my chest. I would be a liar if I said I’m not nervous. I haven’t seen Sophia since she was born other than glimpses when I’d come to the clubhouse between killing sprees. And I know it’s long past time for me to be around her, but there is still part of me that wants to protect her from the monster I’ve become.
But that is no longer a choice I have. Part of making amends includes Sophia.
As we get closer to the house, my insides twist. I haven’t been back to the house since Mara died, and when we pull onto the street, it takes everything I have not to ride away.
It looks the same. The big front bay window overlooking a small lawn area filled with flowerbeds. The redbrick frontage offsetting the dark wood frames of the windows and doors.
I swallow down the emotions clogging my throat. The last time I saw Mara alive and well was in the hospital with Brewer. I cling to those memories, imagining that she’s just at work, that she’ll be home later, full of stories about what happened in her day.
I park in the driveway behind a small car I know is Heidi’s. She’s been living here, raising my daughter in mine and Mara’s home, and I’m grateful that she gave up so much of her time to take care of something that should’ve been my responsibility.
A hand on my shoulder has me turning to look at the man I once considered closer than family. “You okay?”
I nod, even though I’m not. “It’s time for me to rebuild the bridges I burned.”
Blackjack studies me for a moment, and I wish I could read his expression. I used to be able to, but he’s a closed book to me now. “Yeah, it is.”
He gives me a nudge towards the front door, and the walk up the driveway feels as difficult as climbing up a mountain face.
I pause for the briefest of moments, collecting myself before I push the handle down and step into the hallway.
Everything looks the same, but it feels different. This place had always been warm, and coming home was the best part of my day, but the cold seeps into my bones as I move towards the living room.
As I round the door, I glimpse Heidi sitting on the sofa, her feet tucked under her in the same way Mara used to. It sends a sharp pain through my chest, stealing my breath momentarily, but a babbling sound snares my attention.
Sophia is sitting on the floor, a colourful play mat beneath her and toys scattered around her. It feels as if a pickaxe is being driven into my chest as I take her in. She’s no longer a tiny infant, and I can see a little of my wife in her features as she locks her bright blue eyes on me.
Time stands still as I stare at the child we made. Fear mixes in my blood vessels, making my heart beat faster. Sophia glances away, dismissing me in favour of picking up a plastic ring, which finds its way into her mouth.
There is no recognition that I’m her father, and why would there be? I haven’t been anything to her in these long months since she was born.
Before I can move or do anything, Heidi comes to her feet, stepping between me and my daughter. “Okay, he’s seen her. He can go now.” These words are aimed at Blackjack, who’s standing behind me.
“He’s her father.”
“No, I am the only person Sophia knows. You don’t get to check back in after nearly a year to play parent now. I’m the one who put her to bed every night. I’m the one who soothed her when she had a fever or couldn’t sleep. I’ve been with her for every feed, every nappy change, every milestone. I’m the one who named her. I’m not going to let you take her from me.”
Blackjack steps around me, the tension in the air thick enough that Sophia turns to look.
I lift my arm, blocking his way. “You’re right. I don’t deserve a second chance. What I’ve done is unforgivable, but I’m asking for one anyway. I want to know my daughter. I want to be a good father. And I can never thank you enough for everything you have done for Sophia. My intention isn’t to push you out, Heidi, or take you from my daughter. You’re all she’s ever known. But I will be a part of her life.”
Her mouth sets tight as I step towards my child. Slowly, I bend down onto my haunches in front of her. The storm inside me continues to swirl, threatening to unhinge me as I gently run my fingers over her soft hair. She’s perfect in every way.
My daughter lifts dark lashes to look at me, and my walls topple. I need her in my arms, so I carefully lift her, standing as I do. I expect the baby to fuss at being picked up by a stranger, but she doesn’t.
There are only a few times in my life when I’ve cried, so I’m surprised when tears clog the back of my throat. She feels so small, so vulnerable, and it terrifies me knowing the darkness that exists out there. There are so many things that can hurt her, destroy her.
Hugging her to me, my hand pressed against her tiny back, I breathe in her smell. “Hey, baby. I’m your dad, and I’ve been a really shitty one, but I promise I’m going to do better.”
And I have to, not just for Sophia but because it’s the only way to honour the memory of my wife.
The story continues in Trick’s book.
