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I’m not okay.
And I don’t know if I ever will be.
Nolanmade me okay…
And now he’s gone.
And I am lost.
PART II
CHAPTERTHIRTY
THREE YEARS LATER
NOLAN
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”
Our hushed murmurings fill the room as we close out the meeting.
Some people have their eyes closed, and their hands raised in prayer. Others like me who don’t really believe in the religious mumbo jumbo stuff, just numbly recite the mantra that’s been ingrained into us, taking solace for no other reason than it’s a ritual at this point.
A conditioned response triggered by repetition.
My body relaxes, and my lungs expand with air that feels a little less weighed down.
I feel stronger.
Like magic.
My mouth kicks up in a rueful grin. And as if summoned by his memory, my gaze drifts across the room, seeking. Always seeking.
And yet, he’s never there.
Of course he’s not.
Today marks three years since I last saw him, and still, I catch myself looking over to share a grin when someone tells a joke, or see his reaction when Gary, our AA leader, says something profound.
The loneliness I feel when I remember it’s just me here, treading these waters alone, is…gutting, to say the least.
Even after all this time, but especially this time of year.
Hell if I can explain it. Not that I really want to try. It just is what it is at this point.
A hand claps my shoulder, yanking me out of my head. I blink, looking around, realizing everyone’s dispersed from the circle, except for me. I glance up at my friend and sponsor, Hal, and he arches a brow.
“Rise and shine, Princess.”
Rolling my eyes, I shrug him off, pushing to a stand. “Wasn’t sleeping.”
“Just day dreamin’.”
I stretch my arms above my head, twisting my back until I feel and hear a solid pop.
“Gettin’ creaky in your old age,” Hal jokes with a rusty laugh.
I shoot him an unimpressed look. He’s got twenty years on my thirty-five. Waving him toward the doors, I say, “Had a roofing job this week. What’s your excuse?”
