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Nolan commandeers the jungle like a man on a mission. His objective? I have no idea. I thought it was to get this over with as quickly as he could, but now I’m not so sure. If anything, it’s like hewantsus to get lost.
He’s a mere five steps ahead, but he feels miles away. I can’t even remember the last time he spoke. Probably not since we broke off from the rest of the group. But even then, he barely acknowledged me.
It stings. I won’t lie. I really thought we’d…I don’t know, made progress on the beach last week. Bonded.
He apologized. I opened up to him…
It’s not like I expected we’d suddenly be best friends after that, but I don’t know. There’s just something about him, something that just…calls to me? A kinship of sorts. A loneliness in him that resonates with the loneliness in me.
And I guess I just…thought he felt it too.
But once again, I’m left floundering, feeling like a nuisance just for existing.
The physical distance grows between us yet again, and I huff out a harsh breath, hiking up my backpack before pushing off into a light jog. Up ahead, I see the slash of a stick through the air, wielded like a sword, batting through the dense foliage as Nolan sets out a path for us.
Kind of him, except for the fact he’s clearly forgotten he’s not alone. Another limb thwacks me in the chest, shoving me back, and I clench down on my teeth, daggering a glare into his back.
Seething curses under my breath, I shove away the leaves and stomp over the gnarled roots, my chest heaving with strain. If I wasn’t so terrified of getting stranded alone out here, I’d turn around and give him the space he so clearly wants.
There’s nothing worse than feeling unwanted with no other alternative. Even if it’s not personal…itfeelspersonal.
Not for the first time, I wonder if his bad mood has anything to do with the phone call I witnessed yesterday. Was it his wife? Did he have a fight with her?
Just like every time I remember he’s married, my chest cinches. My stomach churns. There’s just this…icky feeling I can’t shake, no matter what I tell myself, and I hate it.
Why? Why him? I don’t evenlikehim. Okay, I don’t like him that much. He’s rude more often than not. Brash. Clearly wants nothing to do with me.But what else is new there…
My thoughts trail off as my gaze dips, dragging down his broad back. His white t-shirt is drenched through with sweat and smudged with dirt. I can make out black swirls of ink going across his shoulder blade, reminding me of the tattoos I spotted when we met.
I take in his tapered waist. Then lower…
My mouth dries.
He’s in jeans again. Ripped, faded, and tight in all the right places. Places I shouldn’t be ogling like the sick pervert Pastor Gabriel told me I was.
He was wrong. What happened to you was wrong,I remind myself, nodding like I can truly convince myself. Deep down, logically, I know what transpires in the bowels at Canaan Academy is messed up, but still…
If Nolan knew of lustful thoughts taking shape in my head, I don’t even want to think what he might do. Abandoning me out here would be the least of my worries.
The pressure in my chest twists into something gnarled and jagged, like thorny vines reaching down and wrapping around my rib cage, squeezing tight, shredding me.
My gaze drops to the ground, seeing without really seeing.
Hatred and shame merge and sizzle in my veins, bringing a tremble to my fingertips. I fist the straps on my backpack, just over my chest, squeezing until my knuckles turn white and my fingers go numb.
Stupid.Shaking my head, I glare down at the rough terrain, stomping over the roots and rocks littering our path, like I could squash these feelings inside me.It’s all so stupid. None of that stuff matters anymore. Block it out. Just get through this hike, that’s all you need to do. You can break down about it later.
Somewhere distantly overhead, a seagull squawks. Leaves rustle. I think I even hear a—
“Was that a monkey?” I blurt loudly, coming to a sudden halt, all other thoughts forgotten.
I tip my head back, darting my wide-eyed gaze around the trees.
I don’t know whether I’m excited or concerned. Monkeys are friendly, right?
But these are wild monkeys.
Nolan doesn’t slow his pace. I don’t even think he heard my outburst.
