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I nod, despite the fact he can’t see me.
“I fucked up. Big time.” He lets out a ragged sigh before continuing. “Long story short, I got drunk while I was supposed to be watching Abby—my daughter—and I…I fell asleep. Passed out. You know.”
More lightning flickers just as he waves a hand, and I feel a pang in my chest when I get a glimpse of the harsh planes of his face.
“Nolan, if you don’t want to talk about it…”
He shakes his head. “No. No, you told me yours, so I should tell you mine. That’s how it works, yeah?”
“No, not if you’re not comfortable.”
The quiet that follows is heavy with tension. Deliberation. It thunders again—the vibrations echoing off the cave walls. Then—
“I almost killed my kid, Skyler.”
My eyes widen, and my mouth parts.
“We were playing in the… Well, I don’t know what the fancy name for this kind of room is, but it’s where we had our indoor pool.”
“A natatorium,” I whisper.
“Yeah, that,” he says, his voice faint. “Anyway,” he goes on roughly, more distinguishable, “she was on her little blanket, playing with blocks. We were on the other side of the room, far enough away from the pool that it didn’t even occur to me to worry about it. I was on a lounge chair drinking a beer from my thermos…” His shadow moves, and I get the impression he’s looking down at his lap—wringing his hands together. “Not my first. Not even my fifth. I didn’t…I didn’t plan for Mel leaving that day, but she got called into work—she had no idea I’d started drinking again. I was…I was really fucking good at hiding it, which made me believe I had power over it, and…”
Chewing my cheek, all I can do is watch him through the flickering darkness—this man, this strong, invincible man, barely holding it together as he forces the words out.
“I didn’t realize how far gone I was. The second she left, I should’ve stopped. But I…I thought I could handle it. Thought it’d be okay to keep going. Ifeltlike I was okay.” He gulps. “All I did was close my eyes. I remember that. I just…I didn’t…I didn’t think I’d fall asleep.”
My stomach drops, and I blink rapidly, reminding myself he said healmostkilled his kid. He didn’t kill her. That’s what matters.
“Mel came home to find Abby c-crawling by the edge, like right by the fucking edge, reaching…for a ball she dropped,” he chokes out. More lightning flickers—thunder rumbling quietly, distantly—revealing him just as he pinches the bridge of his nose and hangs his head forward, his dark damp hair curling around his face.
“Nolan,” I whisper.
“Seconds. That’s all it would’ve taken. And I wouldn’t’ve even known. Not until it was too late.”
My eyes fall shut.
“She’s making me stay here another six weeks,” he says. “I was supposed to get out next week. That’s why I was so fucking pissed off today.”
The phone call,I realize, nodding.
“And I can’t even blame her, can I?” he says raggedly. My eyes open when I sense him get up.
His shadow wanders over to the cave’s entrance, his silhouette crouching in front of the opening, obscuring the fading, quivering light. The rain has started to let up, and it’s getting darker—much darker. Soon, we won’t be able to see at all. Not in here.
A ball of panic forms at the base of my throat, making it hard to swallow, but I ignore it. It’s not about me right now.
“I shouldn’t be here,” he says forcefully, and there’s something to his tone. A distance. Like he’s no longer speaking to me. “Not anymore. I did everything she wanted, and it’s still not enough. I don’t know if it ever will be. I just want to see my daughter again. I just want to hold her. I never even got to do that before she was just…gone…”
His voice tapers off, and I find myself pushing to a stand. I wince, my body aching, but I press forward, ducking so I don’t hit my head.
When I touch him, he flinches, but settles once he realizes it’s just me.
Over here, in the mouth of the cave, I can make out his profile—see how his lashes lower, his gaze lingering on where my fingers brush his forearm.
“It’s been almost three months,” he whispers.
I nod.
