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His eyes are dark when they lift to mine, and filled with so much agony, it steals my breath.
“And the worst part is…” He shrugs. “I wouldn’t even blame Mel if she kept her away from me forever. It’s the not knowing—her dangling the carrot—that is slowly killing me I think.” He shakes his head. “Maybe she already decided, but this is her way of keeping me sober an-and alive. I just… I just need to know.”
With my heart in my throat, I let instinct guide me and wrap my fingers around his arm, lean forward, and rest my forehead against his shoulder. And for five long seconds, I just stand there, breathing slowly, listening to the waves crashing against the rocks mingling with his short, choppy breaths. Comforting him in the only way I can think of.
“Seeing her has been all that’s keeping me from drinking. Remembering what I did…the guilt…it’s been the strongest motivator. And now…”
I blink a couple times, frowning in concentration as I try to think of something to say.
He laughs quietly, and it’s a serrated, pained sound that scrapes through my insides. “Suppose that just goes to show I do in fact belong here. That I’m not…better…”
I swallow thickly, and give his arm a squeeze, saying without words that I’m listening. I’m here. Hoping it’s enough.
I’m so out of my depth.
All this insistence about not being a kid…and yet, in this moment, I’ve never felt younger. More sheltered.
Sucking in my cheek, I will words to come. But they don’t.
Finally, after what feels like an eternity, he drops his head to mine, and murmurs, “Thank you.”
I shake my head with a silent scoff.I didn’t do anything.
He pulls back, tipping my chin up. “I mean it.” He searches my face, a troubled look passing through his glittering eyes. “I just…thanks for not dying on me.”
My eyes widen. That’s…not what I was expecting.
“And thank you for listening, and not trying to…” He looks around. “Fill my head with bullshit.”
I frown.
“What I did was fucked up, and the last thing I need is someone trying to excuse it, or make light of it.”
Ah.I nod, understanding, and suddenly it’s as if the bubble’s been popped, and I realize—Idoknow what to say.
It’s as obvious as if it were there all along.
“It was fucked up.”
He nods jerkily.
“But you’re here, aren’t you?”
Cocking his head, he eyes me questioningly.
I wave at the ocean. “You haven’t given up. Whether or not Mel’s right in prolonging this…” I shrug, ignoring the way my voice shakes.Just keep going.Focus on the facts. Reason.“Well, it’s no matter. What matters is you haven’t given up. You could’ve told her no, and got on the first boat out of here. The fact you’re staying and putting in the work, despite how…well, shitty and lonely it must be—how hopeless it probably feels—you’re still here. You’re still fighting for your daughter.”
Nolan stares at me intensely. Too intensely.
I duck my head, feeling my neck heat.
Shit, did I mess it all up?
Maybe I should’ve just kept my mouth shut.
Maybe—
Nolan moves deeper into the cave, giving me no choice but to drop my hand. And I slump, wincing, internally beating myself up.
