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Theocircles the car and opensCalvin’sdoor, shaking his unhurt shoulder impatiently.Ittakes a few tries to make the kid stir. “What’shappening?” he whimpers, his voice slurred.
“Ican’t lift you, buddy.”Theo’svoice sounds strained, like he’s past the limits of exhaustion. “Youneed to get up.”
Calvinlooks around disorientedly, struggling to understand. “Whereare we?Myarm hurts.”
Iclear my throat carefully. “CanI?”Forthe first time,Theoglances up and meets my eyes directly.Aftera long moment, he nods and steps out of the way. “Comehere,”Imurmur, crouching down next toCalvin.Hewraps all his unhurt limbs around me, andIstagger a little asIdrag myself to my feet.Atwelve year old is no joke, even thoughCalvin’ssmall for his age and skinny after months on the run.Hetightens his legs around my waist and drops his head on my shoulder asIfollowDallasandTheoto the door.
ScoutandRomeare smart enough not to crowd us.Romanjust gets off the couch and leads me down the hall toDallas’ room.Theman is a fucking saint–he made the bed up with clean sheets, as neat as a hotel.Thefloor lamp he brought from his own room casts a warm glow over everything, and he even managed to find a spare blanket, two cups for water, and two fresh toothbrushes.Acertain black and white kitten is curled up asleep in the middle of the bed.
“Hobbes!”Calvinsquirms around to try and see, forcing me to drop him gently on the mattress beforeIlose my grip.Hecurls up on his unhurt side and lets the purring kitten nuzzle his fingers.WhenIlook over my shoulder,Theo’sstanding in the doorway, drinking everything in.Insteadof relaxing, his face closes off even more and he turns away abruptly, walking down the hall.RomanandIexchange glances when the bathroom door slams.
“Okay, dude.Getyour shoes off.”IuntieCalvin’ssneakers and chuck them on the floor.Brushingteeth seems complicated, soIjust fold down the blanket.Movingcarefully, in case he wants me to stop,Iunbuckle his dirty shorts and pull them off, then hold the cat while he climbs into bed.Notsure what else to do,Iunfasten his sling and rest his cast on top of a pillow.Bythe timeI’vepulled the blanket to his chin and tuckedHobbesnext to his cheek, he’s out.I’lltellRomanto grab the kitten in ten minutes so it doesn’t get smushed.
Istand and watch his soft, childish face for a minute as his breathing deepens.DidIlook this innocent whenAlexandPascalfound me?Iwas even younger than him.Itseems so fucking unfair.Somethinginside me hurts so much, somethingIcan’t touch, andIhate it.
Iturn off the overhead light, but leave the lamp on in case he wakes up confused.Theoshould be with him, soIhead for the living room.Everyone’sthere except the manI’mlooking for.Igesture irritably atDallas, who puffs his cheeks out in a sigh and shrugs, gesturing toward the bathroom.
“He’sa damn coward.”Forthe first time,Iunderstand howDallasfeels.Myemotions are all getting stuck together, andIcan’t touch one without yanking painfully on the others.Ifeel likeI’mslipping out of control, and my voice gets all loud and harsh. “It’shis faultCalvin’shurt.Maybehe should get over himself and take fucking care of the kid before something happens he can never come back from.”
Dallasstares at me, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “Whatthe hell are you talking about?”
“It’sbeen a long day,”Romanmurmurs soothingly, his head tucked againstScout’sshoulder.
“Yeah.”Runningrough fingers through my hair,Istare at the floor and try to calm down. “Let’stalk in the morning.”It’snot fair toDallas, butIjust can’t tonight.
AsIhead for my room, hoping to fall asleep beforeDalgets there,Ipull out my phone and send off a message.Iwon’t be able to rest tonight ifIdon’t do something to try and keep this fucking town from devouring another kid who never did anything wrong besides wanting someone to love him.
18
BECK
Everyonewantsto be a doctor or lawyer or engineer, but the one perk of working in a gang is thatInever have to get up early.Sunrises, morning dew, peaceful silence–all that shit is overrated.Theorangey-gold light spilling over the driveway just makes me mad asIhuddle deeper into my hoodie.Dallaswould be holding my hand and looking like a god with the sun in his hair as he chatters about how pretty the mountains are and makes me guess what birdIthink is tweeting in the tree by the house.Buthe’s happily snoring inside.I’msupposed to be sneaking out, butIcouldn’t resist kissing his shoulder beforeIwent.
Alex’slifted redFordpickup rumbles to a stop in a cloud of dust.Pascalscoots to the middle seat soIcan get in.Idon’t want the gang to know whereIlive, butI’vetrusted these two with my life so many timesI’velost count.Pascalhands me aStyrofoamcup of coffee that’s already half cold from the long drive.Idon’t mind, because it lets me chug the caffeine as fast as humanly possible.
“You’venever once in your sorry life volunteered for a morning delivery,”Alexpoints out, turning down the classic rock radio station.Igulp the rest of my coffee, becauseI’mnowhere near awake enough for this conversation.LastnightIjerked awake over and over from nightmares that immediately vanished whenItried to remember them.Ihave the desperate urge to fix, but no idea whatI’msupposed to be fixing.
“Icame for the snacks,”Ijoke, “butIdon’t see any.”We’reback on the main road now, andIdon’t even know where we’re going or what we’re delivering.Justdoing whatI’mtold, like always.
“What’son your mind, dude?”Pascalasks, eyeing me.ApparentlyI’mnot good at faking anything.
“Um…”Irake fingers through my messy hair, then pull my hood back up. “Iwanted to ask you a favor.”
Theyexchange glances.EveryoneknowsBeckAlexanderdoesn’t ask for favors.EvenwhenIwas ten,Iinsisted on helping out with everything we did.Theyhad to make up fake jobs to get me to shut up.
Ifidget with the door lock next to my leg, feeling more vulnerable thanIhave in a long time. “There’sthis little kidIknow, and he’s getting recruited in our territory.Itneeds to stop.”
Noone says anything for a long time.Idon’t know whatIthought would happen, but the longer the silence stretches, the moreIwant to punch something.
“Comeon,Beck,”Alexsays gently. “Thereare thousands of guys out there.Wecan’t control what they do.”
Istare out at the empty road, digging my fingernails into my palm.Scoutwould point out thatI’vealways been powerless.Butthis is the first timeI’vereally felt it.Myvoice comes out weird and desperate. “Can’tyou ask around?Hisname isCalvin, and he hangs out by theBlackBear–”
“Stop.”Pascalrests his hand on my knee, butIpush it away. “Getreal, man.Evenif we could somehow find out which guys he’s talking to, none of us have any say in whether or not someone gets recruited.”
“Exceptyou fucking did with me, didn’t you?”Iblurt, too loudly.Thestupidity of everything feels so painfully clearIcan’t stand to look at it.Leaningforward,Irest my aching head in my hands. “Whythe fuck did you have do that?”
Thewhole truck fills with thick, confused silence. “Thekid’s gonna be fine,”Alexventures, like he’s trying to talk someone off a ledge.Hethinks for a minute. “Wecould all build him a bike.”
