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“Don’t you see?” she says. “I love that you didn’t know. It’s not a horrible thing; it’s an amazing thing. I know now that I can believe whatever you told me, whatever you showed me, because it was one hundred percent how you felt. You weren’t influenced by knowing all the mess.”
“You think… You think me being an absolute jerk to you was how I really felt?”
“Wasn’t it?”
I press my lips shut. It was. But it wasn’t. I couldn’t fight the bitterness, and now my hands are tied. I gave in to the pain, instead of resisting it. I let in the darkness instead of the light, and this is where it led me. Now I have to face what I did.
“I love you, Eden,” I say brokenly.
“I love you too,” she replies at once, and I stumble even though I wasn’t walking. “I saw you cared about me. I saw you watch me, and I know you made sure I ate and slept was safe. You took care of me, you gave me your security. You jumped in after me, down that cliff. I thought it was because you felt sorry for me, but now I know you did that genuinely.” I keep nodding. This is good. It’s going somewhere good. Maybe, just maybe I can start hoping again. “You talked to Lou about me, and you never let anyone disrespect me. You were absolutely perfect. But, the truth is… I didn’t see much love all these weeks we’ve been together.”
If she had taken a jackknife to my chest, it might have hurt less. But what absolutely guts me is that she’s right. How can I say I love her? I hate myself so much right now, it’s unbearable. The self-loathing needs a release so urgently, I’ll lose my mind unless I do something about it.
“Isaiah, you’re up!” someone screams behind the guards—it’s Skye. I don’t recognize his voice at first because it’s so high-pitched and panicky.
“Leave me alone,” I murmur, but Eden is grabbing my elbow and pushing me towards the steps.
“You need to get up there,” she tells me and without a second thought, I obey.
I am grabbing her hand so tightly, she has to follow me up on the stage, but she stops and tries to let go as we are about to leave the shadows and step into the lights. Jude’s solo is ending, the rain is still going strong, and every single phone in the audience is angled to catch me live as I emerge.
“Go on,” Eden tells me urgently. “Isaiah, go.”
I turn around. If going on stage means I have to let go of her hand, I’m not going. She will leave the minute I let her go. She’ll leave me again.
I won’t survive this time, I just know it.
“Hit me,” I tell her suddenly. “Right now, in front of the cameras and thousands of people. I need them to see that I deserve it.”
A sound that resembles the echo of a giggle bubbles out of her lips. It takes me back years ago, to the woods, when she would laugh with me while I failed my classes and I wouldn’t even care. I thought her laughter had been real. Maybe it had been. I didn’t know how many tears it had to make up for.
“I’m not the hitting type,” she says. “Although my therapist says I might have turned out completely differently, considering how I grew up. But I didn’t. I grew into this,” she points to herself, “because of you.” She points to me.
I shudder so violently, I get dizzy.
“Sorry,” she says. “Sorry for reminding you.”
“If you apologize to me again, I’ll lose it,” I warn her.
“You know, when it got really bad and your life got destroyed, I used to I wish I had never met you in the first place. But now, these past weeks… I wished I had never met you again. It was just… so wrong. On every level.”
I just stare at her. I don’t think I heard her right.
She can’t have just said what I think she did.
I open my mouth to say her name, but nothing comes out.
“You said you came here for me,” I say when I finally find my voice. “Is this why you’re here? To get me back…. To getusback?”
Her eyes shift from side to side, avoiding my gaze.
“Answer me, please.” I sound desperate. I am. “I’m begging.”
No reply.
“Is it because I was too much of a jerk to come to you?”
“I did come here for you,” she says.
