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I laugh at that and he joins me. For a while, there is silence as I enjoy the feel of our fingers tangled together on the sofa while we look at each other. Eventually, I do have to break the silence. I have to tell him. I start feeling jittery again and a sinking feeling fills the pit of my stomach. Liam notices this and a frown forms on his pretty face, contorting his features.
“Are you ok?”He asks.
“Sure.”I respond, hoping for the best and forcing the nervous laughter out of my throat. He shakes his head at my attempts to hide my discomfort. My attempt to divert attention fails. He’s too perceptive.
“I know something is wrong. I can see it on your face. Even when you smile, there’s no glow in it.”
“Seems you’ve got me all figured out then. Must be nice.”
“Don’t try to change the subject, Lily. What’s the problem? You can tell me anything.”
I stay mute, trying to muster the courage to spill the beans but failing miserably. Liam waits patiently, looking into my eyes as if he can see through my soul and read my mind.
“Lily. C’mon, what is it? You’re getting me worried already.”
I sigh, taking another deep breath in an attempt to calm myself enough so I can get it all out in one go. I raise my head to meet his gaze and find that his eyes are filled with concern. Here goes nothing.
“I’m pregnant.”I finally blurt out.There, it’s said, out in the open. Now all I have to do is see how it goes.Liam blinks at me several times before his expression shifts from confusion to surprise to realization.
“You’re joking…right?”Is all he manages to say. He looks like he is waiting for the punchline, before he loses his composure completely. His jaw drops slightly as a disbelieving grin spreads across his lips.
“No, I’m fucking serious. I’m pregnant Liam.”
“No. No. This must be a fucking joke. You said you were on birth control, Lily!”He says, his voice slightly raised and agitated.
“I am on the pill. But I can’t remember if I missed taking it or not. Things have been so busy here in the office...and then we had the Paris trip…and the time difference was messing with me…then the jetlag. I must have missed a couple..or skipped a dose here and there. But here we are. I basically passed out over Christie’s house this weekend. She took me to the hospital. They did a test and it’s confirmed. I’m pregnant. I thought you would be happy– maybe even a little bit?”
He stands abruptly, pulling his hand back from mine so fast I swear I see electricity flow through his fingertips.“You thought? This must be a fucking joke! I don’t want to say this or even think about it, but it feels like you had all of this planned. You get me to lower my guard, get me to open up to you. Then you tell me more than once that you are on the pill, and that there is nothing to worry about so we could have sex without any condoms…. And then you get pregnant? … Are you sure it’s mine?”
“What the hell did you just say to me?” I say glaring at him. His words cut like a dagger. I can’t believe he would even suggest that.
What are you trying to achieve through all of this? Do you want my money? Is that it? I know you’ve had a rough time at home, and you needed this job to get on your feet–but this is fucking crazy!”He sputters, flapping his arms around.
The accusation stings my heart and the guilt from earlier returns tenfold. Though I had hoped against it, I did expect some sort of reaction from him, but not quite like this. This is so much more painful than I ever could have imagined.
“You’re hurting me with your words, Liam. I didn’t expect this to happen either. You really think I want to be pregnant? Right now? You think I want this?”
“You tell me!”He shouts, pointing his finger accusingly at me.
I’m stunned. This isn’t fair. He’s never yelled at me before; maybe because he’s never had the chance to. This hurts much more than a breakup. I can feel tears pooling behind my eyes but I fight them back. I am not going to cry. Not for any man, not anymore.
“I can’t believe this, Liam. I thought you…I thought we had something good going already. I thought we were falling for each other. I thought you cared for me, and wanted to be with me?”
He runs a hand through his hair and lets out a frustrated huff. I watch as he walks back towards me on the sofa and plops down heavily in it. He grabs hold of my hand and stares right into my eyes. The pain in my chest intensifies.“I care about you, Lily. More than you know. But this is all too much. This is all happening too fast. Here I am trying to be sure about my feelings for you..and now a baby? It’s just too much. I can’t handle all of this right now.”
“So what are you saying? You don’t want the baby?” I ask, glaring at him with disdain and heartache.
He doesn’t respond and the silence between us stretches for what feels like hours. I watch as he turns his gaze away from me, looking at the floor, then back at me. He reaches toward me, takes both of my hands in his, and holds them tight.
The intensity of my emotions causes the tears to well up in my eyes. I blink rapidly in hopes that they will stop, but they only become more uncontrollable. I let out a sob of anguish and drop my face into my hands. When I look up, Liam is watching me with wide, shocked eyes.
“Oh, Lily…Come here, please.”He pulls me in towards himself and wraps his strong, comforting arm around me.“You are so important to me, you have become so much more in my life these past months. I need you.”His voice breaks slightly as he continues to rub my back and stroke my head gently.“ Truth is, I guess I want a family someday, but I have not dwelled on it that much. I don’t think I can do this right now. I am not ready for any of this.”
I pull away from him, feeling overwhelmed and angry all at once.“Not now? Then when?”
“I don’t know, Lily. I told you, I would need time to be sure of my emotions. This is my first time feeling this deeply for anyone, and I need to be sure.”
“Forget it, Liam. You’re never gonna be ready. You are such a fucking liar!! If you felt for me like you claim you do, there shouldn’t be any doubt in your heart. There shouldn’t be any reservations towards me or this baby!”
