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He had his reasons for not telling me about his daughter. The least I could do was listen to what they were.
“A smile. Great. Okay,” he perked up. “We can work with that. Will you come with me? Let's go somewhere and talk.”
My shoulders dropped in defeat. Part of me was screaming to walk away and never look back. To hire an outside contractor for the renovation job, which I probably should have just done from the beginning. I wanted to be at home, alone, soaking this awful day away in a long hot bath.
But the day wasn’t all bad. I fidgeted with the necklace around my neck and thought back on how wonderful the day was, actually. And a big reason it was so wonderful was because of Derek. Was there any way he could explain this to make it seem okay again?
I didn’t know if that was possible. But I had to find out.
“Fine,” I sighed. “We can talk. But you have a lot of explaining to do.”
We walked back towards the fair, but stayed on the outskirts of the dwindling crowd because I was in no mood to be around people anymore. Besides, we needed privacy for the talk we were about to have.
He bought us caramel apples, and we found a spot by one of the fire pits outside of the garage. We ate them in silence at first. My eyes kept drifting over to him as we sat there. I had stared at him so many times since we first met. It was insane to look at him now and think he had a daughter. A whole tiny little human that shared his DNA.
“What does she look like?” I blurted, unable to hold it in any longer.
“She has red hair,” he replied. “Long red hair and bright blue eyes. They say that’s rare, you know? To have blue eyes with red hair.”
“Do you have a picture of her?”
He ate the last bite of his apple and chucked the stick into the trash. “I don’t know.”
I bristled. “What do you mean you don’t know?”
“Sorry, yeah. I do. This whole thing…I just…I don’t know what I’m doing,” he stammered.
“I just asked to see a picture of her, Derek. I can understand being protective and cautious…but come on. You wanted to talk.”
He reluctantly pulled out his phone and flipped to a picture of an adorable little red-headed girl, missing some of her front teeth, smiling wide. I shook my head as I stared at it. It felt bizarre to realize you could think you’re getting to know someone but be completely in the dark over something so huge.
“She’s cute. She has your eyes,” I told him.
He slid the phone back into his pocket. “I haven’t wanted to let anyone new into our lives since the accident,” he explained slowly, softly. “It’s not like I ever really needed to either. Everyone here knows everyone. Until you came along.”
I nodded, trying to understand. It was hard to separate facts and logic from all the big emotions swirling around inside of me. But if I was being honest with myself, this thing between us was never supposed to be serious. It still wasn’t, right? Getting involved with me was obviously a big hurdle for him in moving on from his wife and everything that happened. And for me, he was only meant to be something fun to pass the time while I was stuck in Silver Point. He was a distraction from Evan and the texts he was still sending, begging to get me back.
“I guess I can’t exactly blame you for not telling me about her. Or not wanting to introduce your daughter to your rebound,” I admitted. Something didn’t feel right about how it sounded when I said it out loud.
“Rebound.” He tried the word on, but his face twisted. “I’m not so sure that’s what this is.” He turned to look me in the eyes. “I thought that’s all this was at first, but it feels different now.”
I shook my head, knowing exactly what he meant. Everything felt too big and confusing. Every time I thought I had everything figured out here, it’d all get turned on its head. I didn’t know what to make of any of it, but I knew I cared for Derek. And that meant I cared for anyone important to him. I felt it towards his co-workers he introduced me to and even his brother. It was impossible not to feel a softness for his daughter. Even if she was a little girl I had never met, who I didn’t even know existed until less than an hour ago.
“We can do whatever you’re comfortable with,” I decided out loud. “I know nothing is for certain. But if you want me to meet her, I will. I’d like to. Everything else aside, we’re friends while I’m here, right? I want to keep spending time with you and be a part of your life. It’s kind of hard to do that knowing you’ve got this whole other piece to you I’ve never even seen or heard about.” The words still came out as a shock, “You have a daughter.”
“I hear you,” he said. “I know. I just…I can’t date anyone who won’t fit into both of our lives. It was selfish to let things get this far without saying anything. I want to keep spending time with you too, I just….”
His voice cracked, and for the first time, Derek, who was normally so strong and stoic even when he was being charming and cute, looked genuinely terrified. He hadn’t dated anyone for all these years because of everything he was trying to face down right at this moment, and I knew it was pushing him too far. He wanted to be ready, but he wasn’t. Not yet. And I was in no position to try and force it when I couldn’t even clear my head on what I was doing with my own life.
“It’s okay.” I reached out and held his hand. “I understand. You don’t have to do anything you’re uncomfortable with. I don’t want to make things harder on you than they already are. I don’t know where that leaves us, but whatever you want to do, I’ll make my peace with it.”
He stared deep into my eyes, and we were quickly sucked into that gravitational pull that brought us here in the first place. He drifted closer until our lips gently pressed together. Every time we kissed now, it seemed heavier than before. Things were getting real. It was far more than I ever imagined finding in this small town.
“Maybe I’m holding on too tight,” he said in a low rasp, pressing his forehead to mine. “Maybe I just need to let go a little or a lot,” he laughed.
I ran my hand across the side of his face and waited with bated breath. This was a turning point. I knew from this moment forward we would either have to take a major step back or a giant leap forward. Both options were equally scary, but I wanted it to be his decision. He had more to lose than I did. He had a child to protect.
“Come to dinner tomorrow night,” he said finally. “Will you? I think Em would like you. She knows I have a new friend I’ve been spending time with. It’s time for you two to meet, I think.”
