AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Week Four - Voices
“Sometimes the voices in our minds seem more real than reality itself.”
Ienter the closet and sit against the wall underneath the clothes sliding down the wall. I know that I can go wherever I want in this house. Christian has made that clear. The thought of having so much freedom scares me. Christian has no rules, or at least none, he has told me about.
He confuses me sometimes. He doesn’t get mad when I destroy things or scream and cry into his chest. He doesn’t react when I punch his chest or slap him. The only thing he did afterward was look into my eyes, kiss me, and hold me tightly against his muscular, tattooed, and scarred chest.
Sometimes, that makes me want to cry more. It makes me want to cry more because, for so long, I didn’t feel a gentle touch from a man. And part of me honestly started to believe that every man was like Sebastian and those men who were raping and using me. But Christian is showing me that what I began to believe was a lie.
This scares me even more sometimes because it makes me think of what else I believe is a fucking lie.
Dirty.
Whore.
Slut.
Puppet.
Broken.
Christian keeps telling me that those words are not me, but I don’t believe him. I see the pain in his eyes when he tries to convince me because I know he can see that I don’t fucking believe him; I want to. I want to believe that all of this is real, but a part of me is telling me not to give in and that all of this is just another trick.
But for now, I feel safe here. I can see who comes in and who goes out. There are servants everywhere. People clean the sheets, the clothes, and the dishes. Everything is being done for us inside this house.
I feel weird. I feel odd.
This is not a world I belong in, but I don’t think I belong anywhere. Not really. The life I lived before I was given to Sebastian was a lie. The life I thought I was living was nothing but a fucking lie.
It probably makes no sense and sounds even more insane, but the only real thing in my life was when I was chained to that fucking bed.
Even now, being here with Christian, this doesn’t feel real. This can’t be fucking real. This is not how it is all the time. It fucking can’t be. Men don’t act the way Christian does. There are no men like him in the world. This is all fake.
Maybe this is all in my head. Maybe I am just making this up to protect myself. It wouldn’t be the first time my mind has taken me away to a different place. Maybe things are getting so bad with Sebastian right now that my brain is trying to help me survive.
Do you know how it feels to be unable to trust yourself?
Part of me wants to fucking end this, end all of this. But then the other part is fucking scared to follow through with it.
Do you know how it feels to feel uncomfortable in your own skin?
My skin doesn’t feel like it is mine. It feels like it belongs to all those men and Sebastian who slowly took pieces of me. I feel empty inside. I feel entirely out of control. And what is even more confusing is that Christian doesn’t seem bothered by it. He seems comfortable. I can see it in his eyes even if he doesn’t say the words. He knows what I am feeling because he feels it, too.
What kind of fucking world is this?
What happened to me should never have happened. Things I have lived through are never supposed to happen in the real world. But now I know the truth. The life I was living before was a lie, a full-blown lie. And the life I was living chained to the bed that was fucking real.
Fuck I was so fucking naive to believe that my life was perfect and that I was going to have the white picket fence and dogs and kids. People like me don’t get shit like that.
Because:
I am Dirty.
I am a Whore.
I am a Slut.
I am a Puppet.
