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She broke the mirrors, she screamed, she felt. I can buy more fucking mirrors. She can hit me. She can scream at me. As long as she is feeling and not running away, I am okay because I will fucking follow her anywhere, even if that means losing myself in the process. She is my reason for living now, and I will never let her go.
27
Nicole
Week Six - Disgusted
Igave in to my desire for Christian. I couldn’t fucking help it. There is something about him that just fucking calls to me. He calls to me in a way that no one ever has. He doesn’t make me feel bad or judged. When he looks at me, I feel normal, whatever the fuck that word means.
I can still see it in his eyes, though. He is just as unhinged as I am. The only difference between us is that he can hide it better than I can. He is becoming my monster, and I am becoming his. In times when he should lose his shit, he allows me to feel whatever I need to feel.
He shared a piece of himself with me, showed me his scars, and showed me that even though I didn’t believe it at first, he and I are more alike than I ever thought was possible. He talks to me like I have been his since I ran into him at that coffee shop, and maybe I was, and I just didn’t realize it.
Even though the voices in my head are still there, Christian is starting to drown them out by just being near me. I wonder if he knows the impact he is beginning to have on me. He is cautious and gentle but also stern and possessive. He is a perfect mixture of light and dark. But what he says to me sometimes is hard to believe, especially when I feel disgusting, even with all the mirrors broken. They are all replaced now, but it makes me want to break them all over again. And I know that Christian would let me.
I continue to look out at the forest. Once again, it is raining. The fresh, fallen rain has wholly consumed the air, taking over my senses. I never thought I would get used to this kind of freedom. It still feels wrong or untrue, but I want it to feel right and be true eventually. What a mess my head is.
At least my thoughts are becoming clearer and less unhinged, but I know that won’t last long. As soon as the blackness takes me at night, the nightmares take over, actual events that were my life for the past three years, and Sebastian and those men will visit me and do whatever the fuck they want with me. There will be nothing I can do because, once again, I will be chained to the bed.
Sebastian will want to hear my screams, and I will do my best not to give them to him, but he always wins. He always seems to get what he wants, no matter the cost to me. I almost asked him what caused him to be the way he was, what happened in his life that made him become an evil man. But I never asked him, not because I thought he would beat or rape me for asking the question. No, that was not it at all. I didn’t ask because I thought he would give me a truthful answer. I don’t think I will ever be ready to hear the words coming out of his mouth. One thing about Sebastian that was certain is that he was honest, at least to a certain point. Everything he did was for a reason; it was for his gain.
He never did anything for no reason, and I tried to figure out his fucking puzzle. But I never got far in figuring him out or why the fuck my father gave me away to Sebastian. I know what the tablet showed me. I know it had to do something with his job and losing a case, but I have this sinking feeling that there was something else. Something that Sebastian never told me.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath as I sit back and look at the trees. Even though the rain is starting to come down hard onto my clothes, soaking them, making me cold. I don’t want to move from this spot. I want to feel the cold. I want to feel the fresh air on my skin.
I take a deep breath, and the voices and memories flood my head again, taking away the peace I thought I finally had.
I really don’t think there is peace for people like me.
I really don’t think I deserve the peace that other people get to have in their minds.
Why would I deserve peace and happiness when I am disgusting? When the hands of all of the men are still on my skin. When their dicks, which I still feel inside me. I don’t think I will ever be able to forget the whispers.
All of them promised me pain and suffering in their own way, and fucking Sebastian wanting my screams, wanting me to give into him. In the end, I almost did. I would have fully submitted to Sebastian if Christian didn’t come when he did. I would have given him the last of me because I had no other choice.
I had finally accepted that I was going to die in that room, but then Christian came and fucking changed everything. Now, I am confused for a whole new reason. My desire for him is growing. My need to feel his skin against mine. My need to feel his lips against mine. My patience is starting to become thin.
Crazy to say, right?
All of this is fucking crazy.
This is who I am now. Sebastian and those men made me this way, and I am sick of fighting myself when it comes to Christian. I want to give in to him. I can see it in his eyes that he wants me to. But something is holding me back.
Dirty.
Whore.
Slut.
Puppet.
Broken.
Christian might not see those words when he looks at me, but I fucking do. Every damn second of every day, those words are carved into my skin and mind.
I don’t know if I will ever fucking escape them. Maybe just maybe, it is time I fucking accept that this is how I will be for the rest of my life.
Maybe, just maybe, if I accepted it, I would feel better.
