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Adam convinced me to come back to his house after I cried like a damn baby in his arms. I don’t have any fight left in me, and the girls are at my grandma’s, so I gave in. But we don’t say anything on the ride to his place.
We greet his parents politely but go upstairs to his room. He closes the door behind us, locking it. Probably in case I burst into tears again and won’t embarrass myself when his mom inevitably tries to find out what’s going on.
I wanted to keep it together. Pretend like everything was fine. But as soon as I saw Chloe—when I saw how angry she still is with me—I just couldn’t take it anymore.
He pulls his hoodie and shoes off but leaves everything else on and lies down on the bed. I follow and remove my hoodie and shoes, lying next to him and hoping he won’t say a word.
Because if he asks me anything, I’m going to answer.
And that’s dangerous.
I think I’m going to get by without having to talk anymore when it’s quiet for a while. My eyes start to drift closed, but then his deep timbre fills the space around us. “Talk to me.”
“Please just drop it,” I try.
I turn to look at him and see his eyes are firmly on me, watching and waiting for me to talk to him.
I sigh and settle back against the wooden headboard. He sits up too, his eyes never leaving mine. “I didn’t force her. Of course I didn’t. I’d never do that. And I didn’t coerce her either. You’re right. But I’m not a good guy, Adam. I messed up. Badly.”
“How?” It’s a simple question, and I can hear the confusion dripping from that one word.
I know he doesn’t understand why I haven’t told him about this. Of course he doesn’t. And God, I’m so tired of keeping everything inside. I want to tell him, but I’m terrified of what will happen after he knows everything.
“It was bad, Adam.” My throat feels clogged, the words not coming.
“What was?” He looks into my eyes, no malice or anger in his. He seems scared, though, and that’s just not a look I’m used to from him. “Just tell me. Please. I’m sure that anything you have to tell me isn’t as bad as you’re thinking. You’re my best friend, and you can tell me anything.”
I hang onto every single word like a lifeline, hoping it’s true. “Sex,” I finally say, and his expression doesn’t change. Not at all. He’s waiting for me to say more. “The sex with Chloe... It was bad. So damn bad.”
His face finally morphs, but it’s into confusion as he shifts uncomfortably on the bed because this is so damn awkward. We don’t really talk about sex. We haven’t ever. The other guys on the team and at school, in general, can’t seem to shut up about it. But we never say anything, not in public and not in private.
“Um...” I can tell he’s searching for something to say. “Okay... You were new to it. I’m sure it takes a little bit to um...”
I scoff at that, not trying to be mean to him or anything. I know he’s trying to make me feel better. I have no idea what his first time was like, but knowing Adam, he was really, really good at it. Because he’s so damn good at everything. “No,” I say firmly, clearly surprising him with my tone. “It was bad. I...”
“Just talk to me,” he says just as firmly. “I don’t give a damn what happened, but I can’t take you holding onto this on your own.”
I feel tears threatening again. I have to look away. “I couldn’t get hard.”
“What?” His question is spoken quietly, but I can hear his confusion, plain as day. Because of course he’s confused. I was too. I was also humiliated as she tried everything she could to get my dick hard, and the fucker wouldn’t respond at all. Shame washes over me as my cheeks heat.
“She wanted to have sex. I tried like hell to put it off, to tell her we should wait, but she started to get really annoyed. Really...” I sigh deeply, still unable to look at my best friend as I relive some of the most embarrassing moments of my life. Moments I never told him about because the shame and fear were way too much. “She was upset. Thought there was something wrong with her.” A tear falls down my cheek, and I wipe it away angrily. “I knew she was close to breaking up with me.”
“So you had sex with her.” There’s no judgment in his tone, and how that’s possible, I’m just not sure.
“I tried,” I say, wiping at another tear. “But I couldn’t get hard. I don’t know what the hell was wrong with me. What teenage guy doesn’t want to have sex? She was naked, willing and ready, but...”
“Hey.” Adam’s voice is so confident and sure as his hand lands on my shoulder that I turn to look at him. My eyes are wet with tears and humiliation coursing through my veins. But his gaze is steady and familiar. Calming. “You weren’t ready for it. There’s nothing wrong with that. We’re young.”
I shake my head at that and sniff because that’s not it. And I think he knows it too. “I’m horny all the fucking time. I wake up hard all the goddamn time. I get hard just sitting in class sometimes and a stray thought pops into my head. My dick works. I want to use it,” I say firmly, anger taking over the humiliation. But not at Adam. Anger at my fucking body for not cooperating.
I just needed it to cooperate with me, damn it. “O-kay,” he says softly, removing his hand from my shoulder, and I flinch at the loss. He thinks I’m a freak. “Don’t.” I look back at him, realizing I looked away again. “Don’t look away from me. Don’t go back into hiding. Having sex is a lot of pressure. It was the first time for both of you. It makes sense. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
I want to laugh. Or cry some more because yes, I did.
“What happened after you...?”
“Couldn’t get it up?” I supply, and he nods. My shoulders sag as I huff loudly and shake my head, but I don’t look away from him. I might as well just finish it. “She was upset. She said it was fine, but she wasn’t fine. I wasn’t fine. We were both confused and embarrassed, and I knew she was going to break up with me. Who the hell wouldn’t?”
