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“Who the hell breaks up with someone over something like that?” he growls, and I hate that my body responds to that. Because of fucking course it does. My dick has no problem rising to the occasion around Adam.
If he knew that part, there’s no way he’d be as nice to me as he’s being. “I begged her for another try.”
“What?” I swear he goes pale.
But I push forward. We’re in it now. “I got drunk off my ass at a party and begged her for another shot. Promised her it would go better. She agreed.”
He shakes his head slowly, the move almost unperceivable. “Zach...”
“I got hard and managed to take both of our virginities that time. But it wasn’t good. It was awful. I had my eyes closed the whole time, just waiting for it to be over.”
“Zach.” He sounds pained when he says my name.
“I didn’t even come. I’m sure she didn’t either. It was awful. I tossed the condom, and we both just sat there in silence.”
“What happened after that?” He sounds almost as numb as I do. I’m sure he’s disgusted with me now. I know I am.
“I couldn’t do that again. Not ever again. I knew she deserved better than a guy who has to get drunk out of his mind, close his eyes, and think about something else to have sex with her. So I broke it off.”
“There? Right after...”
I nod and look into his eyes, ready to take in any of the words he wants to say to me. If he wants to yell and call me a piece of shit, I’ll try to take it. I’ll let him say whatever he wants to me as long as he can forgive me. “Yeah. I broke up with Chloe right after I took her virginity in the most pathetically sad way. I hurt her. I made her think something was wrong with her because I couldn’t tell her or anyone else the truth.”
“Which is?”
He sounds calm, his eyes imploring me to stay here and talk with him. I don’t deserve the chance to talk it out, but I can’t seem to keep my mouth shut either. “I’m not attracted to women.”
He nods his head slowly as if he’s taking it in. As if what I just said didn’t rock his entire world. That it didn’t shake mine completely because I’ve never said that out loud.
I barely let myself think about it.
“Adam.” I look into his eyes. “I’m gay.”
He doesn’t look as shocked as I expected. It’s more like he’s processing it, and I just sit there and wait for him to let me have it. Yes, his brother is bisexual, but this is me. His best friend.
The person he’s shared a bed with and more showers than I can count. I didn’t look. I swear. I wouldn’t let myself. I wouldn’t betray him like that, but he doesn’t know that. “Okay.”
I startle. “Okay?”
He nods, but he looks hurt. “Did you really think I wouldn’t be okay with that?”
“I mean...”
“How can you think so little of me?”
I hate that I hurt him. “I had sex with her, knowing that.”
“Did you?” he asks with no judgment.
“What do you mean?”
“Did you know you were gay? Before you had sex? Were you sure?”
I think about it for a moment, chewing on my bottom lip with nerves and then sigh. “I don’t know. I didn’t want to be.” Shame floods through me again. I’m a mess. A total goddamn mess, and why he hasn’t kicked me out or yelled at me is beyond me.
“You didn’t mean to hurt her. You were scared because being gay in Kensley isn’t easy. And being gay with the stepdad you have really isn’t easy.”
I wince and realize he knows he hit the nail on the head with that. “No one can find out.”
