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He’s stuttering like he does when he’s nervous, and I place a hand on his shoulder. “I don’t think your search history goes on your phone bill either, but it’s okay. What did you find?”
I hate that he’s so nervous about what he searches for, but in this town and with his parents, unfortunately, I get it. “Well, okay... so...”
See? Cute.
“Zach,” I say, trying to ground him. “Tell me.”
His wide eyes meet mine. “Okay, so maybe you’re asexual.”
“Asexual?” I ask, playing with the word on my tongue. “Like not interested in sex at all.”
He nods. “I think? But like there’s a scale. You can not like sex at all. Or a little bit. Or only sex by yourself.” He points at me, his words starting to run together a little bit with nerves.
That kind of sounds like me. But I don’t know. “A scale?”
He bobs his head. “Yeah. There’s even a gay scale, like how gay you are.”
“What?”
His eyes widen again. “I mean. That might not be the right way to say it. I mean... this Kinsey Scale, it rates how close you are to being heterosexual and homosexual. The way I figure it, I’m almost all the way, if not totally, homosexual. But you...” he raises his hand. “Uh, well... I don’t know. Maybe it doesn’t apply to you at all if you’re not sexual.” His shoulders slump. “Shit. I thought I had it figured out.”
Damn, there he goes looking really damn adorable. I’ve noticed that more and more lately. I wouldn’t say it’s a sexual thing. My dick isn’t hard. But I notice myself watching him a lot. And he makes me feel kind of warm and fluttery sometimes. Like right now when he’s doing his best not to put his foot in his mouth and can’t seem to help it.
“You did this research for me?”
His eyes are locked on mine, and his lips part slightly when he uses his pink tongue to trace them nervously. And huh. I find myself watching the movement closely. “Well, I just don’t want you to think you’re broken. Like I think mine was more clear-cut, even if I fought it. I knew guys were making my dick hard, and no matter how much I fooled around with Chloe, she didn’t.”
He looks ashamed again, and I don’t like that. But before I can comfort him, he’s speaking again, pulling his phone out of his pocket.
“Anyway, I found this too. Hold on.” He’s searching for something and then must find it because his eyes light up. “There’s um... demisexual.”
“What’s that?” I’ve never heard that term before.
“Demisexuality is a sexual orientation in which an individual does not experience primary sexual attraction.” He reads from his phone, I’m assuming Google. “A demisexual personal can only experience secondary attraction—the type of attraction that occurs after the development of an emotional bond.” He looks at me. “Um... there’s more, but it kind of makes my head hurt.”
I chuckle, but I think that over. “So the person needs a strong bond before they’re interested in sex?”
“Yeah.” His head bobs excitedly again. “So maybe you have to be in love first. Or maybe you are asexual. Or graysexual. Or so many things. There are so many ways to identify, Adam. So many more than we’ve ever been taught.”
He looks excited and bright at the moment, his smile wide. I like this side of him. I like it a lot.
“My point is...” He must realize he was getting a little loud with his excitement because he moves closer to me and lowers his voice. “You’re not broken. Not at all. There are a lot of people out there just like you. The world has tried to make it seem like we’re the freaks, but we aren’t. Not even close. I mean...” He’s rambling again, and I like it. “If youaredemi, and you do need that strong connection to have an attraction, isn’t that what we should all be striving for anyway? I don’t know, but I think so.”
I smile because I can’t help it. “Thank you for doing that research for me. Maybe that’s what I am.”
“Maybe,” he says, his eyes lighting up. “But no matter what, just like I’m Zach, you’re Adam. And there’s nothing wrong with you.”
I grin at that, feeling that warm and fuzzy feeling. “So there’s hope for me yet?” I ask playfully.
He sighs softly and then moves to take a seat on the nearby hay bale. “Yup. So for now, we’re just two guys stuck having sex with only our hands for God knows how long.”
For some reason that makes me frown. “You know there are gay people around here. Plenty of guys into other guys. Just look at my brother.”Ick.I don’t like saying that, and it’s not just because I don’t want to think about my brother’s sex life.
He just shrugs at that though. “It doesn’t matter if there are or aren’t. I can’t go near them.”
“Why?” I hate how hopeless he sounds.
His eyes meet mine. “You know why. It’s one thing that you know, but no one else in town can. It can’t get back to Elliot.”
