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Yuri studied their joined hands. “You’re going to tell them to switch off the ventilator, aren’t you?”
“Yes. I want the tubes gone. I want one last day where I can eat and drink like everyone else. I want to bundle up in a heap of blankets and have someone wheel me outside so I can see the snow one last time. After that, I’ll be ready to go, and they can give me as much morphine as it takes to make my final hours pain free.” He gazed into Yuri’s eyes. “You know I’m doing the right thing, don’t you?” Then he smiled. “Listen to me. I’m asking for reassurance and confirmation from someone who isn’t real.” He stared at their hands. “Except you’ve been the most real person in this place.”
Yuri kissed the top of his head. “You’re doing the right thing. But can I just point out that some of your wishes might prove a little difficult to fulfil? Even impossible?”
Keith knew he was right. “Then I’ll take whatever they can give me.”
“You’re going to say goodbye to Heidi first, though, aren’t you? And give anyone else in your family who wants it the chance to say their goodbyes too.”
He managed a nod. “I’ll tell her when she visits. I want to say my own goodbyes.”
Yuri pressed his lips once more to Keith’s head. “Then rest. And this time, I’ll stay with you until you fall asleep.”
Keith closed his eyes, his mind at peace, the decision made. He lost himself in Yuri’s warmth, Yuri’s comforting presence.
I don’t know where you came from, but I thank God for you.
It’s time
Friday, December 23, 2022
Heidi stared at him as though he’d grown a second head overnight.
“You can’t.”
Keith blinked. “Excuse me?”
“You can’t do this. Supposing I can’t get Richard and the kids here until tomorrow. Do you realize when you’ll be saying goodbye? Christmas Eve. You can’t do that to them. Think about it. Every Christmas Eve after that will be the day you died.”
If he could have laughed, he would have, but he’d never felt so tired.
“Is there a problem?” Anna’s calm voice was a welcome intrusion.
Heidi whirled around to glare at her. “How can you be a part of this? Isn’t there a law against assisted suicide?”
“Heidi.” Keith stared at her in dismay.
Anna became very still. “Yes, there is, but this is not assisted suicide.”
“It sure looks like it from where I’m sitting,” Heidi fired back.
Keith’s stomach churned. He thought they’d gotten past this but apparently not.
Anna took a deep breath. “Mrs. Farrow, what we have here is a challenging situation, both psychologically and ethically. I realize it may seem like suicide to you. But the law deems that if the quality of life is unacceptable to the patient, removing a ventilator from an awake patient is ethically equivalent to removing a ventilator from a patient who is unaware. This is called palliative termination.” She glanced at Keith. “Your brother has the right to refuse care. So I’ll tell you exactly what the law says, as it applies to him.” She read aloud from her tablet. “‘Palliative or compassionate withdrawal of mechanical ventilator support at the end of life aims to optimize comfort, alleviate suffering, and allow a natural death in patients for whom life supports are not achieving desired goals. Palliative withdrawal is a medical procedure and must be treated as such.’” Anna’s smile was compassionate. “This is not the first time I’ve had this conversation, and I don’t suppose it will be the last.”
Keith took Heidi’s hand in his. “Sis... I’m in pain. So much pain that I couldn’t even begin to describe it to you. I can’t get out of this bed. A machine is breathing for me. Not helping me—it’s doing all the work.” He looked her in the eye. “Do you really want me to lie here and die an inch at a time? Because that’s what it boils down to. I’ve run out of options. You can at least allow me my dignity.”
Heidi said nothing for a moment, but gazed at Keith with stricken eyes. Finally she sighed, her cheeks flushed. “I’m sorry. I should have thought before I blurted out like that.” Tears trickled down her face and she swiped at them with her fingers. “Ignore me. I’m thinking about losing my brother, that’s all.” She gazed at him. “This is really what you want?”
He nodded. “And as to what you said before... It doesn’t matter when I go, does it? There’ll always be a first Christmas, first birthday, or some memorable date or other.”
Tears sparkled on her lashes. “You’re right, of course.” She stood. “I’m going home to talk to Richard, but I’ll be back, okay?” She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. “Love you.”
“Love you too.”
As soon as she’d left, Anna was there, accompanied by Dr. Perez.
“You’re sure you want to do this?” the doctor asked. “It has been known for patients to change their minds.”
