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I blurt out the words before I can change my mind. I need to know. "Are you only with me because of the baby?" There. I said it.
I stare at him with my eyes wide, waiting for his response.
His reaction catches me off guard. He starts to laugh, a warm, deep sound that erupts from his stomach. He laughs and turns back to the steak., lifting the pan off the stove, and pressing the fork into it to check if it is done to his satisfaction. "It's not funny," I say, annoyed.
"Em, of course, it is funny. How can you think that? If I was going to be with someone just because I got them pregnant, don't you think I'd still be with Danny's mom?"
The logic of it is so obvious and I feel a bit silly for having asked. But the relief I feel in his reply calms me down. "Why are you with me?" I push further.
He removes the steaks from the pan and sets them on a wooden board to rest then comes to stand next to me, brushing hair from my eyes. He stares down at me, and his bright blue gaze takes my breath away.
"I am with you because of who you are. You are a beautiful girl, Em, both inside and out. You give so much to others. I have seen you at work, with your friends, with the patients. You have so much kindness and care in your heart. You laugh easily and your smile is infectious. You are a brilliant nurse, the best I have ever seen. You take pride in everything you do, and you make me proud." He runs his fingers over my cheek, and I can't help but smile. "Is that all?" I say with mischief in my voice. He laughs again, "Well, you are a little minx in the bedroom, and in the locker room, and in the office." His voice trails off as I lean up to kiss him. He is still smiling when he pulls away.
"Ok sweetheart, let's eat. Grab the salad. I've set the table already."
"Who knew that the great Dr. Blake was so domesticated?"
He takes an over-exaggerated bow and I laugh. My heart is happy.
We are sitting at the dining room table, with views of the city around us. I chew thoughtfully on the tender, juicy steak. "It's amazing," I say, pouring a little of the creamy sauce over it. "I know." He smiles. "Better than a restaurant."
We are both quiet for a little while then he reaches out and touches my hand. "Emma, I know things are not easy, for either of us. I know we have a lot of challenges to face. Let's just take it all one day at a time, ok?"
"One day at a time?" Does that mean he does not know if he wants this long-term? "Yes, Em, one day at a time - see where it leads without worrying every step of the way."
"Oh," I say. "Sure. I can do that." I finish eating quietly, not sure what to make of his comment and not wanting to push it any further in case I do not like what he has to say.
We leave the apartment together in the morning, but we travel to work separately. It seems so silly, but we have to do it this way so that no one sees us arriving together.
Lennox takes his sports car and I catch a taxi. He does not like that I have to catch a taxi - but it is how I have always traveled to work.
When I enter the building Lennox is standing at the reception desk and I nod and smile at him. He nods back but does not smile. He is no longer Lennox. He is now Dr. Blake, my boss. And I am a surgical nurse who works on his staff. Nothing more. nothing less. He hardly speaks to me at all unless it has something to do with a patient or an upcoming surgery. I feel so far away from him during this time, but I keep my head down and focus on my work.
At lunch time I walk into his office without thinking much of it and I say "Lennox, how is your day…, " he looks up from his desk, and the CEO, Eric is standing in his office. "Nurse Emma," Lennox says abruptly. "I would appreciate it if you knocked next time. I am in a meeting."
I stammer over my words, embarrassed and feeling foolish. "Sorry, Dr. Blake. It is not important. One of the patients… not to worry though I can sort it out." I try and cover for myself and rush out of his office before Eric can see how red my cheeks are, glowing from embarrassment.
"Sorry about that; I guess our nurses need training about their manners." I hear him say as I leave and then Eric and Lennox laugh.
I am dying inside when I enter the break room. I take my lunch and find a table to sit at. Soon I am joined by Natasha and a few of the other scrub nurses.
They are gossiping happily as they usually do during lunchtime.
"Did you see the botch job that the patient arrived with this morning, the one we are doing a correction on?" The nurses giggle and chat. I used to enjoy sitting with them and talking, but now I just remember how they used to gossip about me, and I wonder if they still do when I am not around. I feel so out of place. I cannot sit with Lennox during my lunch break, because, well - he is the boss. I find no joy in sitting with the other nurses because I do not feel like having shallow conversations like this when my mind is on my baby, my future, my career, my life - the man I think I am in love with.
I suddenly do not fit in anywhere. How can I? I live in two different worlds now. And I feel like I am faking it in both of them. I don't really fit into Lennox's world. And I do not fit into my own world anymore. I feel like I am hiding a piece of myself when I am here with the other nurses like I am not being honest with them because I know I am not.
I sigh quietly, finish my food, and get up to rinse my lunch dish.
I find myself watching the clock, constantly waiting for home time where I can breathe out and just be myself, not hide anything from anyone.
There are two more surgeries to go through today and I have a lot of work to do checking in on patients in recovery. It is probably a good thing that I am so busy that I can distract myself from the constant thoughts of Lennox and our baby.
CHAPTER14
LENNOX
Isit at my desk cringing at my own words. Eric has just left, and I can hear myself making that nasty comment about Emma and our nurses needing to learn manners. I feel terrible. I want to rush out to find her and tell her I was just trying to cover up for our entire situation, but it is no excuse. No excuse to be an asshole like I just was to her. I do not want to treat her like that, ever. I do not want to hide our relationship either, but what choice do we have. I am frustrated with myself and with everyone else for making it so that Emma and I can't actually be together.
