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I look at him and I’m met with worlds of hope in his eyes. I know he’d love for me to say that I’ve fallen back in love with life here and have every intention of staying close to family from now on, trading the big city fast-paced lifestyle for the comfort of home.
It’s not the idea of a slower life that scares me. In truth, I’ve never wanted anything more than that. I enjoy the simple things. Bright orange sunrises over the bluffs on the prairie, clean open sky, familiar faces everywhere I go… andfamily.
What scares me is that I made the wrong choice leaving in the first place. I’m lost now as to where to go from here. I still plan to take care of my family the best I can. I’m not a quitter, and I can’t just abandon the plan I’ve had in place.
But why have I stressed so much about taking care of my family? They have roofs over their heads and smiles on their faces. Mom and Dad aren’t materialistic people, and I don’t think they’ve ever spent a day wishing they had more stuff or fancier things.
Maybe I’ve been wrong all along. My familyisrich. Not with money, but with love and compassion and heart.
I see that right now in the way Warren is excited about his new business. And how he scoots to the edge of his seat, no doubt wishing for me to admit that I feel safe and connected here. Down to earth, loved, surrounded by support and the simpler things in life. The things that matter. Not the amount of money in your bank account at the end of the day or how spectacular your car or house is.
I see it in the way Mom and Dad hold hands for no reason. How Dad sets out her coffee mug each morning before he leaves the house. How she laughs at his ridiculous Dad jokes, despite them not being the least bit funny.
I see it in the way Gage has shown me that letting other people take care of you doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human. Feeling human is something most people take for granted, myself included. When you’re working your life away, you feel more like a robot. Not a living, breathing,feelinghuman.
“The truth is that I think I’ve put too much pressure on myself to take care of our family. I don’t have any regrets. But I’m starting to wonder if I’m not where I belong.” Water fills in around the edges of my eyes, blurring my vision.
He takes my hand in his and lovingly rubs his thumb across the top of my wrist.
“I support you, no matter what you want to do. Or wherever it is that you want to be. I just want you to do that foryourself. Make a few decisions based on what’s best foryou. Not everyone else.”
I nod. I know that what he’s saying is sound advice. I’ve been ignoring it for years, but I think I’m finally beginning to see how much it’s going to negatively impact my life if I continue to pursue a career that I’m not in love with. Or live in a place that I have no real connection to. Truly loving both my home and my job means more to me than I ever thought. It’s obvious to me now, seeing how happy and relaxed I’ve been lately.
I know that Gage has a lot to do with that. I may not know all of the nitty-gritty details of his life because he hasn’t felt comfortable enough to share those with me yet, but I also feel a strong pull to him. Like walking away would be nearly impossible. Saying goodbye would gut me.
Spending a few nights away from him this week was unexpectedly hard. I can’t imagine how tough it would be for months at a time.
Thinking of Gage reminds me…
“Also, please don’t overreact, but there’s something else I should probably tell you because I feel weird keeping it from you.”
He tilts his head and he narrows his eyes suspiciously. “You found my stash of stroopwafels and ate them all didn’t you.” He crosses his arms.
“No. Well, yes,” I admit.
He scoffs and rolls his eyes but I see the corner of his lips tip up like he’s fighting a small smile. He could never be mad at me for too long. At least I hope not.
“But that’s not what I’m talking about. It’s not a big deal it’s just… well, Gage and I—”
“No fucking way,” he cuts me off.
My mouth hangs open, waiting for my brain to send a signal as to what I should say. But I just stare at him like a deer in the headlights. Is he just shocked or mad? Happy?
“Damn I’m good,” he claps his hands together once in front of him. “I knew you guys were perfect for each other.”
“Oh. Well, it’s not really like that, I don’t think it’s too serious.”
Not serious for him, anyway.
“I’ll keep that in mind when I give my best man speech at your wedding.”
“Not happening,” I laugh. “He’s… closed off. And up until recently, I planned to stay out of relationships in favor of focusing on my career. I’ll be honest though. I don’t know what my plan is now.”
“No matter what you decide, we can figure it out together. And you know I always have your back.”
“I know,” I whisper as I lean in and give him a great big bear hug.
“Now sit through an old Western with me as punishment for sneaking around with my best friend behind my back.”
