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Sebastian talked to the hospital people. Johnny stayed close. And Lily stayed next to me the entire time.
I was so glad she was there. I felt numb and disconnected; her hand in mine was the only thing keeping me tethered to reality. The only thing that felt real.
We walked down a long hallway. Lots of fluorescent lights. I was reminded of when I got shot, and the three days I spent in the hospital in Los Angeles. Lots of fluorescent lights there, too.
But this was a section of the hospital I never saw in Los Angeles.
We stopped in front of a small sign on the wall:
MORGUE.
The doctor with Sebastian looked at me and said something.
I didn’t hear him, though. Just saw his lips move.
The only voice I heard was Lily’s.
“I can go with you,” she said, looking up at me with her big brown eyes. They were welling up with tears.
I wanted to tell her not to cry, that it was okay. That everything was okay.
But for some reason, the words wouldn’t come out.
“No,” was all I could manage.
I had to leave Lily behind. I didn’t know whether I could do this in front of her.
I was afraid of how I might act, and I didn’t want her to see me that way.
I didn’t want her to see me as weak.
She gripped my hand. “I don’t want you to do this alone.”
“I have to.”
I let go of her fingers, and immediately felt like I was drifting… like I was slipping away down the rabbit hole.
I looked at her over my shoulder as I followed the doctor into the room. The last thing I saw before the door closed were the tears running down her cheeks.
It’s going to be okay,I whispered inside my head, knowing she could hear me.
It’s going to be okay.
But she couldn’t hear me.
And it wasn’t okay.
