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April 2, 1997.
Hey journal. Today, my husband told me that we would be moving into the same house as Cedric and his family. I tried to disagree with him and tell him it’s not a good idea, but he refused to listen to me. He even pointed out how he thinks I don’t like Cedric. He said Cedric is his best friend and they do almost everything together. Cedric did tell me of him, he said they used to do everything together until Chris moved to Italy. If I had known that Chris was friends with Cedric, I wouldn’t have married him. We dated for just two years before our parents announced our marriage, whereas I dated Cedric for ten years. All of a sudden, I wonder how I missed to ask for a picture of his so-called best friend or how he missed to show me pictures of him. What should I do?
I scoffed in disbelief. Cedric and my mother dated for ten years, but didn’t get married because my mother’s parents didn’t want them to. So my dad was a substitute for Cedric?
Did she even love him? Did she even love my dad like she claimed she did? I turned to the next page to find that out.
April 25, 1997.
Hi Journal. Something happened today and I thought I should tell you about it. The men planned a family dinner and they took us —Me and Marie, Cedric’s wife— to a really nice restaurant. We ate dinner and while eating dessert, I stood up to go to the bathroom, after which I got cornered by Cedric in the hallway. I don’t know how he excused himself from the table, but he was there with me in the hallway and that was the first time we were alone even though it’s been a month. He told me he still loved me, he told me he has always loved me and he would never stop even if we were married. I wouldn’t lie, but having him so close to me makes my heart skip beats too, but I didn’t tell him that. He closed the distance between us and kissed me. I didn’t push him, but I wish I had. When I returned to the table, Chris commented on how flushed I look, which meant Cedric still has an effect on me. Being so close to him is going to be a big disaster, right journal? What should I do?
My mother was really closed-mouth. I knew she was a secretive person, but I didn’t know she wasthissecretive. How did she keep all this in her heart for twenty six years, and didn’t even… didn’t even think to tell anybody, even once. She didn’t think to let anyone know what was happening.
My mind went back to the past. I could bet my life that I had never seen my mom utter a total of five words to Cedric in a day, but they had kissed before? They didn’t just kiss, they dated for ten years and shared intimate moments with each other during those times.
What would Jayden do about this? My hands itched to pick up my phone and call him. It was about him too, he deserved to know. What would he say about the dirty secret of our parents? We weren’t even born that time.
May 29, 1997.
Hi Journal. My husband and I had an argument. I told him to let us move out and get a place far away from his best friend —well I didn’t tell him like that— but he refused. He told me I was being unnecessarily mean to his best friend who was just trying to be friends with me. After that kiss with Cedric at the restaurant, he would steal kisses from me every now and then, even when his wife or my husband were literally ten steps away. Truthfully, I wasn’t doing anything to stop him either, and that is why I want us to move away from him, far far away. I’m so mad at Chris right now for not understanding me. I told him I have my reasons, but he said he will only think about moving out if I tell him what my reasons were. What should I say? Do I say ‘oh I want to move out because your best friend who happens to be my ex-boyfriend won’t stop kissing me?’ Do I tell him that? Of course I can’t tell him that, so what other reasons are rational? What should I do, Journal?
‘I’m so mad at Chris right now for not understanding me.’Is she even allowed to be mad at someone? What kind of a person was my mother? There was no ounce of remorse in the book and another evidence of that was ‘truthfully, I wasn’t doing anything to stop him.’ He was her husband’s best friend for fucks sake.
I took a sip of my —now warm— hot chocolate and rested my head on my palms. I didn’t know what to do with this discovery. The discovery that my mother and Jayden’s father once dated even though I’d never seen them talk to each other directly before.
Then why was she so mad at my dad for having a one night stand? She accused him of cheating and got so offended, as if she was an angel. As if she would never hurt a soul when she was here, kissing his best friend with him beingjust ten steps away.
My mother and Cedric were both traitors, betrayers and players. They deceived and played everyone. I closed the journal with a thud and contemplated calling my mother, because what was left to read? This was the worst that could happen, there was nothing more in the book that could surprise me.
‘When searching for something, search everywhere and everything, both the impossible and possible places.’ My dad’s words came back to me and with a groan, I opened the book again to continue reading.
June 25, 1997.
Hey journal. Something happened yesterday and it is so important that I thought to tell you. So Marie went to her mother’s place two days ago and today, Chris volunteered to take the boys out for some fun. I couldn’t go with them because I was having a headache and Chris, being the loving husband he was, helped me massage my head and told me to take a rest. Cedric wasn’t around, but when he returned, he came to my place to ask about his kids. I shouldn’t have let him in, I should have told him from the window that Chris took the boys out, but I let him in. After I told him Chris took the boys, he stood up and I thought he was going, but he didn’t. He refused to leave unless I gave him a kiss, the way he does these days. I had to comply so he could leave, so I gave him a quick kiss, but it turned into something more. I told him to stop, but he didn’t, he is a really stubborn man. To cut the long story short, Cedric fucked the headache out of me. I know I shouldn’t have let him, but I can’t deny the fact that I’m still attracted to him. He still remembered ways to pleasure me, he remembered all my weak spots and I just couldn’t help it. It will just be this once, we won’t do it again. We already promised that to each other.
23
ALEXIS
My mother is a cheat.
My mother cheated.
My mother was cheating on my dad.
My mother cheated on my dad.
Jayden’s father slept with my mother.
Laura Vincenzo cheated on my dad with his best friend.
Ikept writing and striking it out on the jotter, because how do I write it? How do I put down the sentence? How do I tell the world that my crush’s father— no, that my father’s best friend ‘fucked the headache’out of my mother? How do I tell that my crush’s father knew ways to sexually pleasure my mother? How do I tell that my father’s best friend knew the weak spots of my mother?
I gagged again and ran into the bathroom to puke for the third time since I read that part of the journal. I couldn’t believe it. I tried to picture a moment between them that I could have missed, thatwecould have missed, but I found none.
I had a strong memory, so I would surely remember if there was ever a questionable moment between them, but there weren’t. I still stood on the observation that I had never seen my mother say more than five words to Cedric in one day.
I washed my face in the washbasin and stared at myself in the mirror. I looked weak and vulnerable.
