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I am writing this because I know you are leaving today, I made sure of it. I don’t deserve to say anything to you, I know that, and I’m so sorry. I can’t help but feel like it was all my fault. If maybe I listened to you and didn’t get detentions in school, you would have never been in that situation. I want you to hate me but at the same time, I don’t want you to hate me, is that being selfish? I am sorry again. In the future, I’ll look for you, then we can go to a place where we can be happy for life, like in the books you read and in the princess movies you watch. Just like now, I still want to be your best friend in the future and even more. Just like now, I still want to be the only friend you have, and just like now, I still want you to be jelous when someone calls me their friend. Please don’t like someone else, I like you so much and I know you like me too. I’ll find you, I promise, even if it exhausts half of my lifetime. Bye Flower.
Forever Your Jay.
It was his birthday today, he was going to be eighteen and I wondered how he was doing. I scoffed as I put the paper away. It’d been three years and I couldn’t stop reading it trying to pretend that he was still here with me.
Mommy kept photocopying the letter for me every time I told her to, without any questions asked. Did he even think about me too or was he now like his dad and brothers?
The doctor recommended therapy for me after my parents lied that I was kidnapped and raped –which was half the truth. And so far, I had taken two failed therapies because when I told the therapists everything, they touched me against my will and made me relive the nights.
Daddy moved us to South Africa and we’ve been there for three years. I was still adjusting, but I knew that I could never fully adjust. I had a new name, a new school and a new life. Even my mommy and daddy had new names.
We were not Vincenzo anymore, we were now George. I thought daddy was going to apologize to his friend so we could move back to Paris and stay with them, but he didn’t, which meant that I probably would never see Jayden again.
Daddy had changed since we got here. He didn’t stay home often, and he wasn’t all cute and nice to me anymore. He barely even looked at me again and I wondered what I did to him.
He came home late or didn’t come home at all. I knew that was my daddy, but he was also not my daddy and I didn’t know what changed him.
I jumped off the bed when I heard mommy’s scream. I ran down the stairs in fear, as I hoped nothing had happened to her.
Hiding behind the stairs, I saw her with papers in her shaking hands with tears running down her eyes. I glanced over to daddy to see him staring down at his hands. Was that guilt on his face? What did he do to mommy?
“You have a… you have a child?” I tried to think. A child? Of course he had a child, I was his child. “A whole new family?” She continued and I froze. Daddy was cheating on mommy? But with who? “Chris, how could you? How could you do this after everything Jordan and I went through for you? How could you?” She hit his chest over and over again.
How could daddy do that to mommy after everything that happened to us? Was that why he brought us to South Africa? Was that why he didn’t stay at home anymore? Because he had a child who was my half-sister or brother?
“How long has this been going on? How long have you been cheating on me? How long have you been an asshole, Chris? Tell me,” she screamed in tears and I covered my ears. I didn’t like seeing mommy cry.
“It was a silly mistake, a one night thing,” he explained.
“A one night thing? Your child is three years old, Chris and three years ago, Jordan and I were locked up in your best friend’s house while he and his sons used our bodies over and over again.” Tears were falling from her eyes and I couldn’t watch. “Please don’t tell me you were having one night flings when we were suffering, don’t tell me that.”
“At least I saved you and I apologized. I even brought you to a new place to protect you, stop being dramatic.” He shouted at mommy and I clenched my hand in anger. How dare he say she was being dramatic? We actually suffered, I had a scar to prove. Mommy slapped him and his face turned from the heaviness.
He glared back at her, his eyes darkening with anger and I swore at that moment that if he touched my mommy, I would hurt him. “If not me, at least look at all you put your daughter through. Not only did six boys rape her for eight days, even her therapists raped her. How could you not care for her once?”
Tears fell from her eyes like a river. She immediately wiped them and straightened her shoulders. “Get out. Get out and never come back into our lives. You are a disgrace to fatherhood and I wish you nothing but pain and death.”
“Who told you I don’t care for her? You also…” He stopped and peered toward my room. He clenched and unclenched his jaw before he rubbed his forehead and stormed out without calling to see me first.
Why did everyone keep leaving my life? Was it me? Was I the problem?
I wiped my tears and went over to mommy.
She saw me and sobbed harder, gathering me into an embrace. “Can you believe it?” She started in tears. “Your daddy cheated on me. He actually cheated on me while his best friend raped me over and over again, while his best friend’s sons raped you over and over again, can you believe it? He stole the money, we suffered and he left us. Can you believe it, Jordan?” She rambled on, choking on tears.
He should worship us. He should worship us for everything we had been through for him. We would have never been in this situation if he didn’t betray his best friend and steal his money.
I would have never lost my best friend and he would have never lost his.
Mommy wished him pain and death, right? I would grant that wish.
That was my first violent thought.
PRESENT
Jayden had been searching for me for four years, just like he said he would in the letter, and I didn’t know how to feel about that. It didn’t matter because I was still mad at him and I was still going to kill him.
Was I not?
