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The entries stop here,and I find myself hoping that this wasn’t the last time Gunter ever picked up a quill and ink to decipher his own thoughts. I tell myself, somewhere out there, there’s a stack of journals that date later than this one.
I clutch the journal to my chest and breathe in the leftover scent of musky incense that’s yet to fade from Gunter’s room, willing the memory of Gunter to make me feel something other than hunger.
It does, but only in a way that seems muffled, a dull sadness that’s been dunked under water and now must wade through murk to reach me.
I know they should be there—the joy at having eyes that can read and the sorrow of Gunter’s turmoil, the way in which, in an attempt to save Nox from the queen’s wrath, he’d accidentally placed Zora in danger. There should be happiness and grief and a host of other emotions, and though I know they are there, it’s as if I’m staring at them through fogged glass.
That’s when I hear my name.
CHAPTER44
BLAISE
Nox stands in the doorway, and I find myself wrapping the leather strap around the journal to seal it.
“What are you doing?” he asks. There’s no accusation in his question, just concern. “I found a tray outside the laboratory, but you were gone.”
“I didn’t kill the servant,” I say before he can ask. “Not that I didn’t want to.”
Nox frowns. “I know you didn’t. I…” His gaze wanders to the journal in my hand, then snaps up to my face.
I could tell him now what I’ve learned about Gunter. There’s enough in this journal to excuse, if not Gunter’s actions, then at least his intentions.
But when it comes to Nox’s sister, I’m not sure good intentions will be enough. There’s the possibility that if I tell Nox Gunter is the one responsible for Zora’s slumber, it will cause him more pain than closure. It would be one thing if Gunter’s journal revealed how to rouse Zora, but it doesn’t. Gunter made sure not to even reveal how he bound Zora’s consciousness to the Fabric, much less how to release her.
At the moment, I can’t think of a positive outcome to telling Nox of Gunter’s involvement, so I say, “The incense Gunter used to burn—it masks the scent of the servants. I may or may not have gotten bored hiding out in here.” I hold up the journal, quickly tossing it atop one of Gunter’s many stacks.
I beckon for him to sit on the floor next to me, and he does. We sit in silence for a moment before he begins again. “It’s my fault this happened to you. That you have to live like this.”
“A prisoner, you mean? Because I was one of those long before I met you. Well, not long, I suppose. But for at least a mooncycle.”
What I don’t mention is that Abra has, for reasons unknown, decided to free me. That Nox has only been keeping me here until I can control myself well enough not to slaughter innocents.
Which I suppose I proved with the servant girl today.
I don’t think either of us is ready to address the issue of my freedom, not when Zora still sleeps, and Nox won’t leave until she’s free. So we don’t.
Nox chuckles in response, but it’s half-hearted at best. “I mean a life as a monster. A life never truly free. Free from the cravings. Free to walk in the sun.”
“I was never going to be free anyway,” I say, tucking my chin into my knees.
He frowns, and for a moment I think he’ll lean into me, but he doesn’t.
He’s hardly touched me since I Turned. I can’t exactly blame him. I imagine it’s difficult to look at me now. My form has changed for the better, I suppose, and my face was always pale, but there’s a difference in the structure of my cheekbones, the vibrance in my eyes, the dark circles that run underneath them.
I’m everything he hates about himself.
I wouldn’t want to look at me either.
“You don’t have to blame yourself too much,” I say, and I consider reaching for his hand, but the urge is stilted, so I don’t. “It’s not like you knew what you were doing. And if you hadn’t done what you did, I’d be forever trapped inside my body while Cinderella wreaked havoc and ruined my nails.”
I listen for a laugh at my joke, but it doesn’t come.
We’re both a bit dead inside, I think.
“But if I’d only found a way to extract her, rather than bind her to you…”
“Then I’d be dead. Which I suppose would be worse depending on who you asked.” I speak so suddenly, it takes me a moment to realize why Nox has gone eerily silent.
