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“Is this hiding?”
Moving closer, she presses her lips to mine. The touch is gentle at first, hesitant, exploring. I still in place, afraid that if I move even a pinky, she’ll run away.
But then the tip of her tongue licks the crease of my lips and I lose the ability to think.
If there were a bomb sitting inside me, this woman just detonated it. And without regard, without caution, without giving a damn about where this will lead or what it means, I wrap my fingers in her hair so tight she squeaks, and I pull her mouth tighter against mine.
Brinley
Turns out I may just be a stupid woman.
Despite how careful I’ve been.
Despite following my father’s rules.
And despite hiding myself behind books and beneath baggy clothes.
I’ve made every effort in my short life to never screw up or make a mistake. To make the best choices. To march along a path that would leave me in the best position I can be when school is over and I’m done growing up.
But inthismoment, withthisman, I’m going against every warning bell now blaring in my head and making a choice that I know will only hurt me in the end. I’m willingly experiencing a side of life that I’ve always known was a path toward destruction.
Shane hasn’t been wrong about me yet. It’s not something I’m willing to admit to him, or to anyone for that matter. It’s embarrassing. But I am afraid of my own shadow, I do constantly worry, and the toll it’s taken on my mind and body over the years has been far more damaging than living a carefree life could be.
I’m not entirely innocent. I’ve had boyfriends and had sex. I’ve gone to parties and drank alcohol. I’ve been to bars and clubs and concerts where anything at all could have happened.
But I never enjoyed any of it.
I was too afraid.
Always worried.
While everyone around me had a good time, I was waiting for the bottom to drop out and imagining that at any minute, the worst was bound to happen.
It’s weird to realize it now that I’ve thought back. I was never technically a prisoner. I was free to go about my life in the usual way. But I never actually lived a second of it because my thoughts were trapped, my fears and worries the ultimate prison.
Nobody who’s known me has ever seen it.
Nobody except Shane.
Where I’m scared, he’s fearless.
Where I’m worried, he throws caution to the wind.
Where he’s free to make choices and not give a damn about the consequences, I’m calculating every move, afraid to make a choice to begin with.
Where he thinks and acts differently than everybody else, I’ve been struggling to be what everyone wants of me.
And I hate it.
So what’s the most reckless thing I can do?
This.
Kissthisman.
And not give a damn where it leads me.
When I first brushed my mouth across his, I didn’t expect his lips to be so soft. He didn’t move. Hell, he froze like a statue, allowing me to get used to the feeling. To explore.
