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I wasn’t ashamed about pleasuring myself. God knows, between school and work and bad dates, it was the only thing I’d survived on for years. But I hated the thought of how easily my body wanted him. I barely knew the man and one touch of his lips had me clinging to him like life support.
I knew why, I reminded myself. I tried to turn off this part of me—to focus on other things that were important—and it was like holding my breath underwater. I was fine—convinced I could survive like that, until one kiss made me come up for air, and I realized just how desperately I wanted to breathe.
But frustration and desperation made my orgasm elusive. Wanting him—not wanting to want him—trying to pretend I didn’t want him—in the end, my mind was too torn up to let my body take what it needed, and I fell asleep out of exhaustion rather than blissful satisfaction.
“Reese?”
“Yeah?” I blinked and focused on Mom’s face.
“Did you hear what I said?”
No.I swallowed hard. “No, sorry. Thinking about work,” I said because it was so believable no one would ever suspect it was a lie.
“I asked how Decker was doing. If you’d heard from him.”
I gritted my teeth. I’d ignored his call this morning, and when he’d followed up with a text asking how I’d slept last night, I fumed. He wasn’t even in front of me, and I could see the tempting glint in his eyes—could tell his next question would be one that I didn’t want to answer. The only thing worse than having to reveal I’d done exactly as he instructed was having to admit I’d tried and failed. So, I answered ‘fine’ and then turned off my notifications.
But of course, Mom’s third degree over breakfast—“Where’s Decker? Is he stopping by this morning before my appointment?”—pushed me over the edge. I needed space. I needed to regroup. So, I fibbed—again—and told her Decker had woken up not feeling well and wanted to stay at the hotel so he didn’t risk getting her sick.
“I haven’t, but it’s only been a few hours. I’ll check on him when you’re done—”
“We could stop so you can see him on our way home. Maybe bring him some soup. I just feel terrible if it was something from dinner—”
“It wasn’t, Mom. I promise.” I reached over and squeezed her hand. “And he’ll be just fine. He doesn’t like soup.”
“He doesn’t like soup?” Her eyebrows rose.
What kind of person didn’t like soup? The kind of person I shouldn’t be attracted to, that’s who.
I held back a grin of victory. Minus one for the reigning perfect boyfriend.
“Ms. Barker?” a nurse called, and I stood immediately, grateful for the interruption.
“We’re here.” I steadied Mom’s walker as she stood up from her chair, clinging to it for support until she was stable.
I kept to her slow pace as we made our way through the waiting room and followed the nurse down the hall.
“So sorry for the wait, we’re so busy today,” the nurse said, but the circles under her eyes hinted that it wasn’t only today that was busy.
I understood. The overutilized and understaffed realities of healthcare were pervasive throughout the country, but it did seem worse here.
“That’s okay, Gabby,” Mom replied, clearly knowing the young girl. “I’m going nowhere fast.”
Gabby laughed, but her smile was too tired to reach her eyes.
“Gabby, this is my daughter, Reese,” Mom went on. “She’s an ER doctor in New York.”
“Oh, really?” The girl’s eyes popped wide.
I let out a deep sigh.Thanks, Mom.“Yeah.”
“That’s amazing. It must be so fun to work there.”
My mouth opened and shut, suddenly lacking a convincing answer. “It’s busy,” I managed with a rueful laugh.
“I’d love to work in the city,” she gushed, angling toward the second room on the right.
“Absolutely not, missy,” Mom chimed in. “We need you right here.”
