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I huffed and shook my head. “Really, I’m fine.”
“But you were upset earlier when I asked Decker about kids,” she declared, her pain medication apparently not strong enough to make her delusional about that.
“I just wasn’t feeling well. It’s fine.”
“I wouldn’t have said anything if I didn’t see the way you look at him—the way he looks at you,” she went on, her attempt at compassion nothing short of a hot knife straight to my stomach. “He wants a future with you, Reese. I see that plain as day.”
Could she see the way I wanted to vomit? Because that felt plain as day, too.
“It’s not that,” I said lamely, the urge to just tell her the truth lingering on the tip of my tongue.
It would fix everything—fix the problem I’d created. First by fabricating a boyfriend and then by fucking him. But something held me back. Something stupid and vulnerable and…not as weak as I’d thought.
“Then what is it?” she pressed, each question twisting the knife. “The kids? Tell him how many—”
“I don’t want kids, Mom,” I blurted out, pain overwhelming me. “I don’t want kids, and I don’t even know if I want Decker.”Liar.
She gasped.
“I said I wanted kids when I was young and naive. When I didn’t realize how much love could hurt. How vulnerable and alone it could leave you,” I babbled on, the lines in her face etching deeper with every word. “I wanted kids before I saw how much you sacrificed for me. How hard it was for you to do it all on your own. And I won’t”—I sucked in a hot breath, hating the prick of tears.
“Reese, honey—”
“I’ve worked so hard to put myself in a position where I never need to rely on anyone else. Where I can live and provide for myself without having to worry. And I don’t understand how you of all people can sit there, see that, and still want me to be weak. Still want me to fall in love…be vulnerable…when that almost destroyed you.”
The last word was out of my mouth when the door opened, and Cheryl called, “Hello hello!” She entered along with one of Mom’s other friends, Lydia Reynolds, the mayor of Wisdom. “Lydia brought her famous chili, and I’ve got jelly beans.” She jiggled the bag. “Who’s ready for some poker?”
I spun, quickly trying to reel in my emotions that spilled like marbles across the floor. I walked over and greeted the two women, Lydia giving me an extra-tight hug and telling me how good it was to see me.
“I’m skipping poker tonight. I have some things I have to do,” I told Cheryl.
“Like that handsome boyfriend of yours?”
“Boyfriend?” Lydia’s brows rose.
“I’ll be back later,” was all I could manage as I backpedaled out of the room, grabbed my keys off the counter, and headed for the Jeep.
* * *
What was I doing here?
I parked in front of Decker’s shop with no clue if he was here or not.
I knew he had plans tonight with friends—Lydia’s four sons and their wives, no less. A sunset cowboy trail ride that he’d invited me on, and in one of my last-ditch efforts to not let the intimacy we had during sex spill out into the rest of our interactions, I’d politely declined, using Mom’s poker night as an excuse.
He’d played it off like it wasn’t a big deal, but it felt like it was. For the both of us.
I let out a groan, hung my head, and then reached for the key in the ignition once more.This was the last place I should be.But it felt like the only place left to go. I’d driven away from Mom’s, desperate for any distraction. Naturally, the first one I’d tried was work. I pulled into a coffee shop in town and logged in remotely to the hospital system. I checked on my patients. My upcoming schedule. And after ten minutes, I couldn’t focus on it any longer.
What had happened to me?
So I drove. I drove by Mormon Row. I drove through the park. And after another hour, my hands had steered me here.
I shouldn’t have blown up at Mom like that, but thinking about the future had hurt so unexpectedly in a way I’d never felt before.Because I’d never had to consider my future without Decker in it.
“Yeah, I shouldn’t be here,” I muttered to myself, and just when I went to turn on the ignition, his shop door opened, and Decker stepped outside.
He took one look at me, confusion morphing into something fierce and protective before he was stalking to the car.
