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I gritted my teeth. “Weren’t you?” I paused and then added, “Weren’t you happy without my father?”
Her head fell once more, and her shoulders shook with a silent sob.“I’m so sorry, Reese,” she said when she looked up again, wringing her hands in front of her. “All this time, I wanted to be strong for you—to show you that I wasn’t any less—that we weren’t any less because your father wasn’t in the picture.”
“We weren’t less—”
“But I made you think it was dangerous to want more.” A tear spilled down her cheek. “I didn’t talk about your father because he was my mistake. I fell for him knowing he didn’t want children, and when I got pregnant, I hoped it would change his mind—it didn’t,” she revealed. “I knew he wouldn’t stay if I had you, but I loved you. From that first moment I read the test and knew you were growing, I loved you, honey.”
“Mom…” I didn’t know what to say. I’d never felt like pieces were missing from my past, but with every word, she shaded in details that somehow mattered—that somehow changed everything.
“I know it wasn’t always easy for us, but I was never under any delusions about your father. I knew the risk of loving and losing, and I took it.” Tears slid down her cheeks. “I never wanted you to think you had less or were loved less because your father wasn’t around…but I see now that I went too far. I made you think love was the enemy of safety, and that’s just not the case.”
“It’s not a bad thing to be independent,” I croaked.
“It is when you use that independence to push away people who care about you—who love you and support you.”
“But what if they don’t? That’s the whole point, Mom. What if you trust someone, and they leave?”
“And what if you try to save someone’s life, and they don’t make it?” she countered sharp as a whip.
My tongue felt like a thousand pounds in my mouth. “That’s not the same.”
“What if that young girl decides to never get in a car again? What if she’s so afraid of what happened that she decides to never leave her house? To never see the world around her? To meet people?”
I hope my daughter grows up to be fearless like you.
Fearless.
I opened my mouth, but I couldn’t argue. She was right. I was so afraid of what happened that I never let my heart out. Never let it feel for someone else. Never let it want and ache and grow.
Until Decker.
Mom didn’t say anything. She just waited in that way she had that was both patience and understanding wrapped up in a warm bow, waiting for me to tell her what I tried so hard to hide.
“I’m afraid,” I heard myself whisper thickly.
“Oh, honey.” She shuffled to me and pulled me into her arms. “It’s okay to be afraid. We’re all afraid to go after the thing we really want, but you can’t let a little thing like fear stop you.”
My eyes shut, and all I could think about was Decker. After everything I’d told him—made him promise—he’d still looked me right in the eye and asked for more. He put his heart on the line…for me.And I was the one to walk away. I shuddered hard.What had I done?
“What am I going to do?” I asked thickly.
“What do you want to do?”
I let out a tremulous exhale and admitted the thing I’d buried the deepest inside me. “Tell him I want to stay.”
Her arms tightened around me. “So do it.”
“But I told him it was over.”
“Honey, that man stared down a bison bull in heat. I don’t care what you told him, I’d bet all my jelly beans he’s not giving up on you without a fight.”
I let out a watery laugh as we pulled apart. “All of them?”
She nodded. “And Cheryl’s, too.”
“You can’t bet someone else’s jelly beans.”
“Oh yes, I can,” she declared. “When love is on the line, you’ve got to risk it all.”
