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Since they got together, they’d never been apart for as long as they would be once we left Europe, and it would be rough on them. Of course, they knew they had to get used to it, and Ellie would be able to go on some of the tours too, but her work wouldn’t always allow for it. Sometimes she had commitments at home to fulfill, but her art made her just as happy as being with Drew. They were so lucky to have each other and successful careers that added to the perfection of their life together.
It was twenty minutes before Jason came to my bunk. The harsh stress lines on his face now fully vanished, and an overall more relaxed vibe flowed from him.
He tucked his phone into his back pocket. “Mind if I join you?”
I shook my head and shuffled over against the wall.
The bunks weren’t really designed for two people, but two could just about fit if we laid on our sides. There was minimal room to turn over, but it wasn’t impossible or uncomfortable.
When Jason climbed in beside me, I asked, “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah. Alex said he was glad I called him, even if it is the middle of the night. He talked me down, and I feel a lot better now.”
“Good.”
He took my hand in his, running his thumb across my knuckles. “I couldn’t have got through this without you, Lucy.”
My hand tingled where he touched. His strokes were so soft. At that moment, he was a million miles from his dangerous, edgy onstage persona. I loved moments like this when he let his guard right down.
It had happened a few times since we’d been on the road, and it allowed me to see the real Jason. The Jason I always thought was there.
“I didn’t really do much,” I said, staring down at our joined hands before looking back up at him.
“It probably doesn’t seem like much to you, but when I feel the way I did at the club, it’s a big deal for anyone to be able to get through to me. I know I’m better than I used to be, and it’s a little easier, but if you hadn’t been there, I could easily be off my face right now.”
“What…” I paused, unsure whether to ask the question I had always wondered but was too scared to ask.
His brow furrowed. “What, Luce?”
“What does it feel like? When you were outside the club, and you were panicking… how does it feel?”
“Scary,” he admitted without hesitation. “It’s like being ripped into pieces and not knowing where all the bits will end up. Part of you knows the right thing to do. The other part wants to drag you back to the dark side. It tells you it’s good to score. That youneedto score. That just one hit will be enough, and then you can stop again. And the part that knows that isn’t true screams at you not to do it. It knows better. But all you can really do is remember the feeling you get the first time. It was trying to chase that high that kept me going back. It’s never the same, though. So when something sets off a trigger, I have to fight with myself. To remind me of all the reasons I can’t go back. Tonight I needed someone to help me. I couldn’t think clearly enough to call Alex. And that is what’s scary. Being unable to get a clear grip on what’s real. On the right thing.”
His confession shot fear through me.Was it really that hard every single time?And if so, what if I hadn’t been there? What happens if I’m not there next time? Or the time after? Because this would never go away for him. Sure, time would help. It already had, but it wouldn’t ever be fully over. This would taint his whole life, and being in the band would only make it more prominent.
“Doesn’t that just put you on edge a lot of the time? How do you handle it?”
He smiled. “I handle it by having good friends around me. I try to keep busy. It’s only really bad in situations like tonight, but I don’t want to avoid clubs and pubs just in case something happens. That would feel like letting it beat me. I try to live as normally as possible and deal with things as they come up.”
I nodded but couldn’t shake off the anxiety that had settled inside me. Was this how Ellie had felt last year when she tried to stop him from using? Was this how she, Drew, Mr. Brooks, and the rest of the band felt every day?
I understood the realities of cocaine addiction, or I thought I had. But actually witnessing it? I had the image of Jason shaking outside the club permanently etched into my mind. I’d never forget it. It stored itself in my memory banks along with the memory of him acting shifty when I was still a schoolgirl, when I hadn’t fully understood what was happening. Then the time I saw him in the hospital all wired up after his overdose the year before. These little snippets were parts of his world, and they frightened me.
“Luce. What are you thinking?” He squeezed my hand when I shook my head, refusing to look at him. “Please.”
I slowly raised my head, and the concern in his eyes made me ache. Somewhere in the depths of those green eyes, he was asking me not to see him differently. Not to become one of those people who labeled him a cokehead and backed away. Not to become overbearing like Drew and Ellie.
“Jase. Tonight was weird for me. I’ve seen you at your best, and I’ve seen you at your worst. But when I saw you in the hospital, even knowing how serious that was, it wasn’t the same as seeing you craving.” His eyes lowered, and he started to pull away, but I squeezed his fingers with mine, bringing his focus back to me. “Don’t go because I haven’t finished.”
He shook his head. “You don’t understand.”
“You’re right. I don’t. I don’t understand how any of this feels for you because even though you’ve told me, I’ve never been there. I’ll never fully understand. But I’ve known you my whole life. Not the same way as Ellie because I didn’t grow up with you, but that means I see you differently. No matter what happens, you’ll always be Jason from next door. The guy who always made me laugh and joined in with every game we played at family get-togethers when everyone else was boring. This… this addiction you have to live with… it’s part of you. As long as you’re willing to keep fighting it, I’m willing to stand beside you.”
“And if I slip?”
His question wasn’t fair, and we both knew it. But I didn’t think he meant it the way it sounded. After all, my last words could have been viewed as an ultimatum. In reality, we were feeling each other out, trying to find out if the friendship that had been growing between us stood a chance of surviving through any ups and downs that might come our way.
“I’ll pick you up,” I affirmed.
