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I sighed. “Fine. Go for it.”
“This isn’t about telling you to be safe and to never go anywhere unaccompanied. You’re not a child. I don’t need to remind you not to take sweets from strangers. But I do want to talk to you about Jason.”
Oh, God.I’d hoped she wouldn’t do this. I knew she knew how I felt—everyone knew. Well, noteveryone. I wasn’t sure my parents had figured it out, but Ellie and Drew were definitely aware. Ellie and I had only ever spoken about it in depth once in a conversation that mortified me as Ellie told me she and Jason had had a brief relationship when they were much younger. Since then, though, it had been a silent thing.
We knew.
We didn’t discuss it.
What was the point?
My dating inexperience was a huge downfall and kind of a source of embarrassment. I was the only one of my close friends who hadn’t had sex yet, and while I was mostly okay with that, it sometimes felt like a massive burden. Many people I knew saw virginity as something to get rid of as quickly as possible, but that wasn’t how I felt. I was happy to hold on to it until I found someone worthy of giving it to, but at the same time, it also kept me out of conversations sometimes.
While my friends discussed size, stamina, and goodness knows what else, I had nothing to contribute, and I felt left out. It was a small price to pay for not having a lifelong regret, but when I combined my fears with my crush on Jason, I knew nothing could ever happen between us.
Logically, I knew it anyway—sex wasn’t part ofthatequation. He was ten years older than me. A nineteen-year-old and an almost thirty-year-old? It just wasn’t plausible.
It didn’t stop me from imagining it, though.
Closing her eyes as if having this conversation tortured her, Ellie sighed. The truth was, shewasthe cool sibling, but she knew Jason better than anyone—even Drew.
She wouldn’t relax until she’d said whatever was on her mind. “Okay,” she began. “I know Jason means a lot to you. You know him better than a lot of people do, and you know his history. Not the media-hyped history but the truth. That’s part of what makes you like him more. I’m scared you’re going to… I’m worried you’ll rely on him too much while you’re away. You’ve always been closer to him than to Drew, but Jason… he’s unreliable sometimes. A lot of the time. He’s better than he used to be and is happier now than he has been in a long time, but ultimately, he’s still Jason.”
I narrowed my eyes. “Way to talk about your best friend, Ellie.”
She shook her head. “I know that doesn’t sound good, and I’m not saying those things to run him down. If you asked him, he’d tell you those things himself. He is my best friend, and he’s sweet, caring, and a bunch of other things that people don’t realize. What I’m trying to say is… don’t let the way you feel about him make you cling on to him. If you need anything while you’re away, please, go to Drew. Talk to him. He’ll listen better than Jason ever could. I want you to have the best summer ever. I want you to experience band life and meet the kind of people you’d never meet at home. I want you to see different places, and yes, I want you to have fun with the guys. Get lost in the moments, and see those people in a way most people never get to. Let Jason be someone you have a good time with, but don’t make him everything. You’ll get hurt, and I couldn’t stand to see that.”
My eyes prickled with tears, but I didn’t know why. Ellie had told me nothing I didn’t already know. Jason Brooks was not the most reliable person in the world, and I never had any intention of making him the center of my universe, despite how I felt about him. Drew was definitely a safer bet if I needed someone to turn to, and I loved him for it. Hell, even Mack and Joey were safer options, and I didn’t know them nearly as well. They weren’t part of my family like the Brooks boys.
“Ellie.” I couldn’t get any other words out, and I was sure I’d choke on them if I tried.
Ellie rose from her chair again and moved around the table to sit beside me. “I’m sorry.” She took my hand. “I know how hard this is.”
She did too. Because she used to be me. In this exact position. Actually, she was probably in a worse position because she was crushing on Jason when she was a teenager. She had no idea what a mess he’d turn into. I was fully aware. That most likely made me even more stupid.
“Thank you, Ellie. But I can handle this, I promise. I know how he is, and I would always go to Drew for help before anyone else. This thing with Jason… it’s not real. It’s a phase. A really long phase, but maybe going on this tour will cure it. Maybe once I spend so much time with him, I’ll feel different. Who knows, there might be a hot roadie with us to take my mind off him.”
Ellie smiled as she wrapped her arms around me and pulled me into a hug. “I hope so. Thanks for being so cool about me saying that, Luce. I didn’t want to be a pain in the ass, but… you know.”
I nodded. I was her baby sister. That was something I could never change, even if I lived to be a hundred years old.
* * *
We’d been on the train to Bristol for an hour and a half, and Razes Hell, the wild boys of the British music scene, were asleep. It wasn’t even lunchtime, yet every one of them had passed out in their seats, leaving me to stare out the window as the English countryside whizzed by. Perhaps it was the gentle chug of the train that had sent them off so soundly. I was still too wired to sleep, and really, who fell asleep at that time of day? I was going on tour with a bunch of wrinklies. So much for excitement.
Beside me, Drew gave a soft snore, and I shook my head in amusement. Jason looked peaceful opposite me with his head against the window, and beside him, Joey’s mouth hung open. Mack sat in the seat just across the aisle, his head occasionally dropping sideways onto the disgruntled woman beside him.
I picked up my journal from the table in front of me and opened it, tapping my pen against the blank page.
It was too rock and roll for words.
Turning my gaze back to my blank page, I thought for a moment about what I wanted to write. It was so inviting, all that empty space to share my innermost thoughts and experiences. I figured page one should be more of an introduction than anything. Nobody but me and perhaps my family, depending on what spewed out of my pen, would ever see it. This was a project for me—something to be taken seriously, like an essay or exam.
When I was younger, I never knew the boys next door would one day be in a band big enough to tour the world. I never knew I’d be lucky enough to be invited on one of those tours. I never knew all those birthdays and Christmases we’d spent together would be something so many would envy. To me, they’re just Drew and Jason. The Razes Hell members are just people I know. And I know I’m lucky.
Right now is day one of a very long tour, and although the morning is barely over, I’m traveling to Bristol with four snoring rock stars. I know for sure one of them wasn’t out partying all night… although, for all I know, he could have been saying a very long, very physical goodbye to my sister. At least they were quiet about it, though! Mack was probably doing the same thing with his woman. Not sure about Joey. And Jason? I’m pretty sure he wasn’t partying so I’m not sure what his excuse is…
It occurred to me that my ramblings weren’t quite the epic writings I’d planned, but it was early in the tour still. Things would get rewritten, thrown out, scribbled on, and screamed at before the journal was truly finalized.
