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I travelled, Grandad.All over the world.Saw things I never thought I’d see and met people I never thought I’d get along with.People with amazing stories that have changed the way I looked at things.
I made some mistakes.Big ones.The biggest being that seeking the next adventure meant I didn’t have to focus on what was actually important.
And then you were gone.
I hate ever admitting I was wrong, but I was.I was wrong to not call you more, and to not reply to your emails.Even worse, I was wrong for not coming back until it was too late.I could have known you better.Listened to stories you had to tell about your life like I listened to all those strangers on my travels.
That’s the real tragedy of it.I knew strangers better than I knew you and Nan.And you know what’s even worse?I didn’t want to come here for Christmas.Not because I have no feelings, but because I didn’t want to face Nan.To see how disappointed she was that I wasn’t here for your funeral.
I made it all about me.
And as if all that wasn’t enough, I just assumed Nan would be okay here on her own.She’s tough.Always has been.As it turned out, a lot of her strength was tied to you.She could face anything with you at her side, and now, her other half is missing.
If you were still here, I would tell you how sorry I am.For not seeing you more, and for not talking to you more.It’s my loss because now I will never know you the way I should have.I left it too late.
I’m sorry for not coming to your funeral.
It’s not that I didn’t care.I always cared.Time, as it so often seems to do, made a fool of me.It passed so fast.Ten years gone in a flash.
I did love you, and I love Nan.And I’m so, so sorry for not being a better grandson.You both deserved more from me, and I swear with everything I have I will do better from now on.
I hope you can forgive me as I’m not sure I’ll be able to fully forgive myself.
Love always,
Donovan
A small splash hit the bottom of the piece of paper, and I wiped it away, then brushed away the drops of moisture that sat unshed in my eyes.I blew out a slow breath, reading over my words again.With each one, a heavy knot grew in my chest until it ached so badly my whole body grew rigid.
Just the way Nan had in the cafe.
Why did it hurt so much now?Why did it feel like my fucking heart was about to explode in a shower of anger and anguish and regret?
“Let it go, my darling.”
Nan’s words were all it took for a sob, deep and long, to pour from my lips.I pushed my letter aside and curled forward, my head resting on my arm as tears began to soak my sleeve.
Nan shuffled her chair closer to mine and wound her arm around my back, and I could hear her crying too as she tried to comfort me.
“I’m sorry,” I said.“I’m sorry.”
Her hand gently rubbed my back.“It’s all right, sweetheart.It’s all right.”
It wasn’t.I knew she forgave me, but in that moment, all I wanted was to go back in time and do things right.Better.To be someone who deserved to grieve.The harsh reality was that I didn’t.How could I grieve someone I hardly knew?
“Your grandad always said you would come back when you were ready, and you did.”
“Too late,” I said.“Way too late.”
“For him, perhaps.And that is something we can’t change.But you did come back.You’re here.You might think it was for the wrong reasons, but whatever they were, you still came.You could have stayed away forever.”
Lifting my head slowly, I wiped my eyes, and Nan shifted over a bit so I could straighten up.“I missed out, Nan.On knowing Grandad.”
She nodded.“Yes.But I don’t think that is a mistake you’re going to make again.”
For some reason, I had the strangest idea she wasn’t just talking about herself, and I raised an eyebrow.
Nan smiled.“You do what you need to do, Donovan, but don’t try to pretend you don’t have feelings for the girl next door.She’s special.And if you break her heart, I’ll break your legs.”
