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Donovan
You fucking idiot.You absolute fucking dick.
The words tormented me as I left Nova’s house and headed straight for my car.I didn’t know where the hell I was going, but I just needed to get away.Off that street and anywhere but near the place I had messed up so spectacularly.I’d stared at her, listening to her perfectly valid frustrations, and all I could think to do was back the hell off.Talk to her as if she was being unreasonable and I’d done nothing wrong.
I lied to her.I sat with her in my nan’s kitchen a day ago and told her I had no idea when I was leaving, though, even as I said it, the flights were being booked for the 28th.
I turned out of Nan’s street along John Nash Drive.Dawlish was not designed for the speed I wanted to drive.I wanted to get out onto an open road and floor it, trying to outrun my thoughts because I hadn’t been fair to Nova.Didn’t matter how I tried to excuse it.
When this new opportunity had come up, my reasons for not telling her had nothing to do with whether I thought she deserved to know.It was just that I honestly didn’t think it would come to fruition.As a travel blogger, people offered opportunities all the time.Sometimes I didn’t want them.Sometimes I did, and then they fell through.This one was so fucking exciting to me I couldn’t let myself think about it until it was all official.But by then, Nova and I had kissed, and telling her the truth would have made Christmas harder, even if she thought it wouldn’t.It would have been solemn—more than it would have been anyway with Nan grieving.I just wanted to let Nova enjoy it.Wanted to carry the weight of my leaving on my own.It was fucking heavy, but I hadn’t wanted to put it on her.
I also knew telling her after Christmas would make her hate me for keeping it to myself, but it was a risk I was prepared to take to not ruin the season she loved the most.
Turning down Oak Hill, I huffed out a long breath as my stomach began to twist.
If she hated me, leaving would be easier.
My vision blurred for a second, and I blinked to clear it, and then focused harder on the road so I didn’t cause an accident due to my self-indulgent self-pity.
Nothing in my life had ever caused me more conflicting thoughts.
I wanted this job, and the deal was sealed.I was going.The idea of being out in the world again made my veins buzz with anticipation, especially at a resort as impressive as the one in the Maldives.I could practically taste the rum just thinking about the place.The sunshine.The beaches.A stunning apartment to live in with one of my oldest travel friends.Maybe it was wrong, but I hadn’t had a second of hesitation about taking this project on.
But that didn’t mean I didn’t think about Nova.About leaving her and Nan behind sooner than I had intended to.
Both of them had given me a lot to think about.Nan and I had buried any remaining animosity that lingered between us, but Nova was something different altogether.
She’d made being in Devon better.I was sure just being with Nan would have become easier eventually anyway, and we would have gone to some places I hadn’t seen before, and I would have fully appreciated what a great county it was.But Nova had made the whole experience fun.She’d seen me in a way that scared me, yet I didn’t mind because she never pushed for more than I wanted to give.
My insinuation that she had done just that only proved what a total twat I was, but it was too late to take it back now.
Once I’d made it to town, I parked in a space in Brunswick Place, and after putting a ticket on my car, I headed for the seafront.
The air was frigid, and I’d only brought my light denim jacket with me because I hadn’t planned to walk further than Nova’s house from my nan’s.I buttoned it up as I walked, and then stuffed my hands in my pockets, keeping my head down until I reached the viaduct and stepped onto the sea wall.
Even though it was cold, the winter sun was shining, making the waves glisten.I slowed my pace as I walked along the wall towards Coryton Cove.The smell of the salty sea air calmed me a little, and I breathed in deeply, a million memories of beach days flooding my mind.Grandad Cain took me to the beach even in winter, and we would always have fish and chips afterwards.That was something I hadn’t done since I’d been back in England, and the thought made my stomach grumble.I would have asked Nan if we could have a chippy tea, but when I left hers, her slow cooker was on for a stew, which would, admittedly, be a lot more satisfying.
Following the wall around past the large red rock that stood in the sea, I approached the short row of locked-up beach huts.I headed for the low wall that ran along the edge of the water and leaned my hands down on it, gazing out at the calm waves.
“All of this, it was you who did it.You were the one who pushed for us to be around each other.”
The words I’d thrown at her circled around my mind on a never-ending loop.It wasn’t untrue, but I hadn’t meant to make it sound like I didn’t want it; like I didn’t want to spend time with her and find some semblance of happiness in a traditional Christmas like the ones I’d once loved.
All the Christmases I’d had as a kid when Nova was no longer in my life were nice, but different.In Italy, we kept doing as many of our usual traditions as we could, but it never felt the same as Christmas in England.Once I left home, I’d forgotten about all of that.I’d grown to love spending the festive season on a beach, and I’d come to accept that any magic that ever existed was only for kids.
Nova had changed that for me.I’d liked drinking mulled wine with her at the Christmas market.Enjoyed the five minutes of ice skating before I’d slipped on my arse and sprained my ankle.Spending the afternoon with her watching Christmas movies, and how she’d remembered the snacks we used to share.I’d loved baking with her and Nan, and how cute she’d looked when she’d accidentally got a bit of food dye smeared on her cheek.She’d laughed when, instead of wiping it off, I put a matching streak on my own cheek.She made my nan’s dark days brighter just with a hug and a smile.She’d shown me there was plenty right there in the UK I didn’t know about and had never considered discovering.Against all the odds, she’d made me believe there was still something special about this time of year that went beyond the commercial stuff that had people thinking they needed the perfect turkey or an immaculately dressed tree.
It wasn’t Christmas that was magic.It was her.
“Fuck!”I yelled the word out in frustration, smacking my palm down on the wall as I thought about the look on Nova’s face when she’d asked me to leave.It was like she didn’t recognise me anymore.Deep in her eyes, I saw how much I’d hurt her.I lashed out at her because she’d called me out on the way I’d acted when I first arrived, but she was right.I was selfish, and I hadn’t wanted to come.For whatever reason, she’d cared enough to show me things didn’t have to be that way.That if I just looked outside of my narrow mind, there was more.Her small town had plenty to offer if I bothered to look.To learn.
Live in the fucking moment.I’d asked her to do that with me knowing full well it was too late for both of us.Something had been building between us, and by the time I kissed her, I was already in deeper than I meant to get.When I looked at her, I thought she could see how much more it was to me than just some passing thing.Instead of letting her know for sure, I’d turned my own issues onto her as if she was the only one who didn’t want to let go.
I could tell myself over and over that I lied to her so I didn’t ruin her Christmas, but it would have been another lie.My reasons were completely selfish.I truly didn’t want her to spend the day thinking about me going away and it dimming her smile and her enjoyment, but mostly, I couldn’t face the conversation.I didn’t know how to leave her behind, and I still wasn’t sure I’d fully accepted the way I was starting to feel about her.
I hadn’t been in a serious relationship in seven years.The short relationship I’d had with the girl who was trying to use me hadn’t even come close to my time with Paige, andthathad ended in disaster, with Paige flinging everything I’d ever trusted her with back in my face.I hadn’t intendednotto get into a long-term relationship again, I was just careful, but there were instances over the past few years when I’d wondered if I should have just married Paige because I hadn’t felt that spark with any other woman.It wasn’t that I compared every woman to her, just that the electricity had been very noticeably missing.
But Nova was different, even from Paige.When she’d appeared on Nan’s doorstep, something about her had made my defences shoot up.I’d blamed it on suspicion because, from my experiences, people always want something.But that hadn’t stopped me from seeing how attractive she was.Her beautiful eyes, striking cheekbones, and pretty smile.And I feltsomething.It took just one conversation with her to know my concerns about her intentions were unfounded, and every day I spent with her only made me see how special she was.
