AllFreeNovel
Share Us
He closed the journal again, running his thumb across the leather.Across the words on the front cover.When he finally looked up at me again, he said, "You never expected me to stay."
The words were said as fact, not a question, as if confirming something he had been aware of but hadn’t fully comprehended, and his eyes flickered to life the way they used to when he looked at me.
"Nope," I told him."I didn't.But I think you probably always knew that."
Chapter20
Donovan
I sat there,holding the journal she'd given me, my fingers tracing over the cover.
I was such a monumental cock.
She was right.I never thought she'd expect me to stay, and her choice of gift made that clearer than ever.Someone who was trying to keep me here wouldn’t have gone to the trouble of getting something so personal made for me; something that related to my job.That wasn’t what had surprised me about the gift.The present itself was merely a verification of what I knew, and of what my nan had told me.
What freaked you out about telling her you were leaving, you loser, is that shewouldn'task you to stay.
That thought hit me like a truck.I didn’t want to stop travelling.I'd signed a contract for the Maldives job, and I wanted the other potential jobs the company had offered.But I wanted Nova to want me to stay.To wantme.
I hadn't realised how much my selfish little ego needed her to let me know she felt the same way I did.
Except, she had.The fact my lie had hurt her should have told me all I needed to know.
Over and over since I'd been in Dawlish, I'd witnessed her selflessness.Giving her time to Nan and me.Keeping her feelings to herself to ensure I didn't think she was trying to trap me in Devon.All of the things she did to make me appreciate a part of my life I'd shunned for so long.There was no need for her to say she felt the same as me because she had shown me every fucking day.
And it still wasn’t enough for me.I made her feel like she was in this alone because I was afraid of how much she meant to me.
When I looked up at her, her eyes dropped to her lap, and I hated every bit of pain on her face.Placing my journal on the table, I reached out for her hand, but the second my skin touched hers, she pulled back, her body stiffening.
“Can we please go somewhere and talk?”I asked quietly.
She shook her head, still not looking at me.“I really don’t see the point.”
Shifting position, I knelt up in front of her so, had she looked up, we’d be at eye level.“Look at me.”
Nan and Oliver’s conversation had stopped, but it was like they didn’t dare move in case they drew attention to themselves.I knew Nova was as aware of them as I was, but I didn’t have a problem saying what I needed to in front of an audience if she refused to be alone with me.
“Nova, please.”I placed my finger under her chin to gently raise her head.
Tears sparkled in her eyes, and she pushed my hand away and stood up as if she didn’t want me to see them.“Don’t.I can’t…” She stopped, shaking her head again.“I can’t.”
Getting to my feet too, my large frame blocking her way out, I put my hand on her cheek, brushing away a tear with my thumb, then dropped my arm back down to my side.Her eyes followed the movement so she didn’t have to look at my face.
If I’d thought not seeing her for a day was hard, it didn’t compare to how excruciating it was to have her so close yet feel so distant from her.And I couldn’t even complain about it because I was the one who’d severed the ties.I’d cut her off, not because she had done something wrong but because I couldn’t face what I’d fucked up.
Regret had been the theme of the day so far.The theme of my entire visit.Being in England had shed light on all the mistakes I’d made with my family.Showed every way I’d fucked myself over by running away from things I didn’t want to deal with because it might be too painful.
It’s just as well I travel light because I have enough emotional baggage to last a lifetime.
I’d landed in my hometown, in the house of a woman who’d carried every bit of her grief on her tiny, tired shoulders, and she was still happier than I’d been because she wasn’t pretending.She let each day, good or bad, be exactly what it was.
Iwashappy travelling, and I still wasn’t ready to stop, but now I could see the things I hadn’t admitted.Things I’d learned since I’d been back in England because I’d been forced to open my eyes and look at reality.And that reality hadn’t been the picture of the epic traveller I painted myself to be.Some of it was ugly.Repressed grief, lurking memories of angry words spat by my ex, pretending it was okay that I didn’t have a place to call home when, really, that was the only thing I’d ever wanted.A base.A safe place.
And then, this bright, beautiful woman sprang up from next door, reminding me of things I’d forced myself to forget.Not just about us as kids, but about myself.About what I loved.What I wanted.
I’d been silent for so long, Nova raised her head to look at me, the tears still sparkling in her eyes, but softer now.
“I need you to listen to me,” I said, my voice low, slightly husky from emotion.“Not so long ago, you wrote me a letter, challenging me to re-write Christmas.You wanted me to see our hometown as something more than just a place on the map where I happened to be born.You wanted me to see community, and closeness, and what it’s like to have family around.And I did.I saw it all, and I liked it.”Risking the smallest shuffle towards her, I said, “Nova, I’m so sorry.For lying to you, and for walking out on you when I had so much more to say.I never meant to make you think I didn’t want to do every single thing you planned for us, because there were times I think I wanted it even more than you did.”I paused, swallowing down whatever the hell was clogging my throat and taking a deep breath.“I have to leave in four days.I can’t change that.And I can’t change that I love my job, but I don’t want this to end.I don’t just mean friending each other on social media and a phone call every couple of months.I wantyou.I have no idea how we would make it work, but that’s what I want.And I’m sorry I was too stupid and scared to tell you that sooner.”
