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I pick wildflowers from the field and put them in a blue ceramic vase I found months ago during one of my trash raids. As a finishing touch, I add a few flameless candles that I steal from the living room mantel.
Pain digs into my chest while I stand at the edge of the pier. Penny deserves better than to be in a hidden relationship, like a dirty secret. And if Lily finds out, she’s going to feel exactly how I feel about Kelley right now—totally betrayed. I’m really no better than Jeff or Kelley.
I’ve played out hundreds of scenes with Lily in my head, trying to imagine how the conversation could go, and every one of them ends with screaming and slamming doors. Not one of my scenarios ends with Lily giving me and Penny her blessing.
The same goes for any scenario with Mrs. and Mr. Rose. The only reason they let Penny move in with me was because they felt she was safe here. I’ve completely obliterated their trust, and it makes me feel like pure scum. If the situation were reversed, I’d be in prison. I’d never accept a man twenty years older getting involved with my eighteen-year-old daughter. I can’t even deal with one eight years older.
The alternative is to end things with Penny. My brain says that's the right thing to do. She’s too young for me. And she’s too threaded into my family and my life to risk a messy scandal or heartbreak.
But my heart says no fucking way can I let her go. My soul screams she’s the one.
There’s no way out of this vicious circle without hurting someone.
At five forty-five, I go outside to wait for Penny.
Six o’clock comes and goes.
My mind takes advantage of the lull and steers back to Kelley. Again, turmoil swirls up in me like a cyclone. My head is completely fucked up over the whole thing. I want to be furious. I want to pin the blame on him and let it feed my anger and grief because that’s always been my comfort place. But gratitude for Kelley keeps slithering out like a snake. He left his dead father's side to climb down the hill in the snow to help us, even though he was hurt and probably in shock. Not many people would do that. In many ways, he was a hero.
But he still lied. He still let me blame myself. I’ve always thought of Kelley as unapologetically and brutally honest. Even if it hurts, he tells it like it is. Finding out he hid the truth about something so monumental cuts deep.
I shove him back out of my mind and stare at the picnic food with my stomach growling, wondering if I should put it back in the refrigerator. It’s now six thirty, and the salad is starting to look sad.
Worried, I check the tracking app that me, Penny, and Lily share. I see she’s still at the vet’s office. Maybe she’s tied up with a pet emergency.
After five minutes of internal debate over how clingy I’m gonna look, I send her a text.
Just making sure you’re ok.
Ten minutes later, the message is still showing as unread, but her location dot is moving toward the house in the app.
Relieved, I sneak half a heart roast beef sandwich and down it in two bites.
When I finally hear her pull into the driveway, I walk out to meet her, but stop short when she comes around the front of the car.
She’s holding a leash, and on the end of the leash is the little black ball of fur.
Without a word, she encircles my waist and rests her head against my shoulder.
“I know you’re mad and upset,” she whispers. “You have every right to be. But this little guy is from all of us. He’s had your name on him since the day he was born. Please let him stay.”
A knot of emotion constricts my chest, squeezing my heart. I hug her tight and kiss the top of her head. Holding her is like being under the covers on a chilly day. I’m instantly wrapped in familiar warmth and comfort. This feeling of closeness came slowly with Brianna. It took at least a year for my walls to crumble, for my apprehension to fade. But with Penny, there was no beginning of trust, security, and intimacy. It was as if it was there long before we met.
I shouldn’t compare then and now, but my mind wanders there often.
“Kelley was waiting for me when I came out of the office. He told me everything. He’s really upset—”
I pull away to look at her. “He’s fucking upset?”
“I agree he should’ve told you, but I think we can both understand how the fear of losing someone can make us keep secrets we’d rather not keep.”
