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There was none of that with Penny.
Unfortunately, I had no way of knowing there was a ticking time bomb hiding under the surface, just waiting to explode and blow us to pieces.
She was ripped out of my life way too abruptly, leaving me with a different brand of grief. My chest aches constantly for her. I see her in my dreams every night—her red hair threaded through my fingers, her beautiful smile full of promises, her green eyes telling me a thousand stories. It’s driving me crazy that I can’t be there and take care of her. I want to be part of her recovery, but instead I’m shut out like a stranger, asked by her mother—via a polite text message—to cease contact until she’s better. I don’t even know what the hell “better” entails. All I know is I feel useless. I can’t push to see her because it would look sketchy as hell if her best friend's father was flying across the country demanding to visit her. And I admit—I’m afraid everyone will accuse me of the same thing I’ve been accusing myself of—that I did something to cause her meltdown.
All I can do is wait, hope, and reread the one text message I’ve received from her in the two months she’s been gone. It arrived after her first week of being in the recovery center.
Penny:
Alex, I’m so sorry I hurt you. I’m scared, and I wish I could go home. I don’t know what’s going on with me, but I’m trying to figure it out. My parents and Lily don’t know about us, so please don’t worry. There’s so much I want to say, but I’m too tired and I have such bad brain fog. I don’t know how you feel right now, but I’m still wearing my ring. I hope we can be together again without me being so confused. I might be here for a while, and I’m not supposed to talk to you or Lily or anyone else from home until I can sort out my head. I can talk to you when I’m better, though. I wanted to write you a poem, but my brain can’t seem to make beautiful words anymore. Will you take pictures of the puppy for the shed so I can see them when I come back? Please don’t be sad. You are amazing. Keep going forward, and I’ll catch up and find you again. I love you, Fox. xo
I felt my heart crumbling. I didn’t understand what happened to my sweet, confident, beautiful, creative girl. Confusion weaved through her words like a thorny vine. My Penny is lost in her own mind and I’m terrified she’ll never find her way out.
I ignored Mrs. Rose’s rules and texted Penny back immediately.
We will always find each other, little darlin’. You know where I’ll be. Rest, and feel better. That’s all that matters. I love you. I’ll always love you. No matter what. Please hold on to that, believe in it, let the ring remind you every day. I promise we’ll get through this. xo
After her text, I spent most of my time feeding the previously mentioned grief and depression. I drank too much and slept too little. I took up smoking weed because it calmed me enough to work. Disgusted, Lily moved out. I was on a fast track to destruction when Kelley showed up at my door—unannounced and uninvited. Apparently Lily texted him a picture of me passed out on Cherry’s grave, with Shadow sleeping on my chest. I don’t even remember being there, but I’m ashamed that Lily saw me that way. I never wanted her to see the fucked-up part of me, but I gave her a front-row seat until she up and left.
“I don’t care if you hate me,” Kelley said, pushing past me through the front door. “Your kid is worried about you. I’m worried about you. I know you’re upset about Penny moving, but you can’t fucking do this again.”
Penny moving. I wish it was that simple.
“I don’t hate you.” I’d already decided a while ago to forgive him. I liked him too much to stay mad at him.
“Good.”
“I love her,” I blurted out.
His mouth fell open like a hooked fish. “What?”
“I’m in love with her.”
He slowly shook his head with an ironic smile. “I knew it. I fucking knew it.”
“Congratulations for always being right.”
“I don’t want to be right. Are you out of your mind, Fox? She’s fucking eighteen years old. She’s your daughter’s best friend. You’ve known her since she could barely reach the doorknobs. I have socks older than her, for fuck’s sake.”
“Shut the fuck up, Kelley. I know how old she is.”
“You mean how old she isn’t.”
I pushed my hands through my hair. “I don’t know what to say. I can’t explain my feelings for her. Don’t you think I’ve tried to ignore it?”
