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“I wished I was, too,” I say softly. “But you wouldn’t have liked me the way I was.”
His hand closes around my foot through the blanket. “I would’ve liked you any way you were. Any version of you is better than no version of you.”
My vision blurs with tears. He morphs into a watercolor image. “Alex…”
His voice is low and raspy. “Don’t you know that, Penny? That we—I— would’ve been there for you no matter what? I would’ve taken care of you. Hell, I would’ve flown out there every fucking weekend just to see you.”
“And what about Lily? How would you explain that to her?”
“At that point, I would’ve just told her the truth and dealt with the consequences.”
“I wouldn’t want you to do that. I was a mess. You have no idea.”
He’s not swayed. “Messes are my specialty,” he says with his crooked grin.
“Lily and the baby needed you. This is where you belong. With them,” I counter.
“You needed me. I never bought that ‘emotional detox’ bullshit the doctors were feeding you.” He shoves his fingers through his hair. “Did you? Tell me the truth.”
“Not exactly,” I say slowly. “But there was more to it than that.”
“I just don’t understand. You’ve never wanted to be away from me, Penny. Except for that time you were mad at me for not having birthday cake with you and you held a two-year grudge. I’ve felt sick about that night ever since you left. I’ve replayed it over and over and over in my mind. Whatever I did to hurt you, scare you, or upset you, I never meant to. Looking back, I never should’ve let things go that far between us, and I’m so fucking sorry—”
“Alex…you don’t have to apologize. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
Anguish flashes across his face. “You were only eighteen. I was thirty-fucking-nine.”
The age topic immediately gets me frustrated. “I don’t care about our ages. People form emotional bonds—with other people, even with pets—that they have no control over. Our age doesn’t stop us from feeling emotions and building relationships. We loved each other. As friends, as more…” I search for the right words. “As something I can’t even explain.”
He stares at me for a long time, and my heart beats in tandem with his breaths. “We did.” His words waver with melancholy, and I wonder if he views our feelings as in the past, or if he was mimicking my use of past tense.
I swallow. “I still do.” My voice is barely above a whisper.
I notice the subtle way his breathing deepens. The tic of his jaw. “So do I.” He matches my whisper, and for a moment, I’m not sure I heard him correctly. But I can see it all over his face—his feelings are still there. Happiness surges through my veins. “But I want to understand what you were going through, Penny, and why you shut me out.”
I blink at him as I try to rearrange the giddy smile off my face. How can I possibly explain the shit show my life has been for the past four years?
I finger the tassels on the blanket nervously. “I seriously don’t even know where to begin.”
“If you’d rather not talk about it, I understand. I won’t ask again.”
“I do want to talk about it. One of the reasons I came here was to talk to you about it in person and not over the phone. I’m so incredibly grateful that you and Lily stuck by me after all this time and haven’t told me to just screw off. I turned into a shitty friend. I feel really bad about that.”
“You’re not a shitty friend, Penny. I know what it’s like to go through a bad time and push people away. And I know how much it means to know that your friends are still there for you, no matter what.”
I smile softly. “I’ve just had a hard time understanding all this stuff myself, let alone trying to explain it to someone else.”
When he smiles back, my heart melts a little, and it takes me to the very first time I found him in his studio when I was a little girl. I remember being pulled inexplicably like a magnet to his property, and how my breath had caught in my throat when I saw him through the crack in the door. When I approached him, he knelt down to talk to me. I remember thinking he had the most beautiful smile I’d ever seen and it made me feel like I was being hugged from the inside. It was the only way I could describe it in my young mind. From that moment on, all I wanted was to see him and his smile again, to feel that cozy, safe, warmth again.
I take a breath and try to give a condensed version of the past four years. “When I first arrived at Tranquility, they thought it was best that I not interact with anyone close to me for a few weeks. At that time, I was still confused, upset, and scared, and they had me on sedatives before I even walked through the door. So I basically went along with everything they said. I don’t really remember much of what happened that night. I mean…” I glance away from him, my gaze landing on the wall of photos again. “I remember what happened between us, but I honestly don’t know why I freaked out. I just suddenly felt confused and not really sure who I was, which I know sounds crazy, so I don’t blame everyone for thinking that.”
