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“I never thought you were crazy.” His unwavering stance of being on my side makes me fall even more in love with him.
I sweep my gaze back to him. “That wasn’t the popular consensus. The more I talked to the doctor about my childhood, the things I thought I saw and felt, things I drew, the way I gravitated to you and this house… the more pills they gave me. I got so tired, Alex. And so numb and depressed. I missed you, Lily, and being here so much. It broke my heart being away from you. Things were going so good between us, and then…” I let out a breath, unable to finish that thought. “Anyway, they kept increasing my dosages, and after a few months I couldn’t feel anything anymore. All I wanted to do was sleep. Sometimes it felt like I slept for days, and other times it was like I was awake for days. The only good thing is that in my therapy sessions, we uncovered that I’d been having delusions and fantasies since I was a little girl that was causing me to have panic attacks so severe that I was actually having mini seizures.”
His brows pinch together. “That’s what it was? Delusions and fantasies? So the things you said about Brianna and Cherry—”
“It was all just stuff I made up in my head. Kind of like imaginary friends that little kids have. Only in my case, my brain took it all too far.”
He rubs his hand over the stubble on his chin and looks at me with bewilderment. “Okay…”
“All that stopped, though, even after I was off the meds. I think talking about it all with the doctor helped, even though I was pretty argumentative and pissed off with her at first.” I pause, noticing the slight shake of his head. “I’m really sorry for freaking out that night and saying the things I said at the worst possible time. I know how much that must’ve hurt you.”
He continues to look at me with an odd expression on his face that looks sad and maybe even a bit….disappointed?
“I should’ve reacted much calmer,” he finally says. “The way you were acting scared the hell out of me. I was so fucking confused and worried about you. I thought it was my fault. I didn’t know what to do.” Regret flashes across his face and the tremor in his voice brings a tightness to my chest.
I quickly shake my head. “It wasn’t. You didn’t do anything wrong at all. That much, I’m sure of. I really need you to believe that.”
“I’m trying to, little darlin’,” He smiles weakly but somehow it still breaks my heart. “Go on. I want to hear more.”
“I’m not sure how much Lily told you, but the drugs completely changed my personality. I couldn’t focus on anything. I had a hard time remembering things. I felt completely detached in every way. I wasn’t myself at all and to be honest, I’d rather be dead than lose every part of myself in some drug-induced zombie fog.”
“Don’t even say that—” he practically growls.
“It’s true. They had me on antipsychotic meds, Alex.” I sit up straighter. “I was all messed up. And not from the delusions and fantasies. Those were the least of my problems. I got caught up in this vicious cycle of going on and off the meds. I felt sick all the time. I went from being overweight to practically anorexic. My hair was falling out. My skin got all blotchy and I broke out in random hives. I looked terrible. I felt terrible. Every part of my body hurt and I couldn’t stand to have anything touching me. I couldn’t function at all. It was pure hell. I have no other way to describe it. All I wanted was my life back. I missed you and Lily so much. I thought about you every day. Sometimes I wondered if I’d dreamed my life here, it felt that far away to me. I just couldn’t let you guys see me like that. Especially you. You never would’ve wanted me like that.”
“Penny….” he reaches for my hand across the blanket, igniting an inferno of hope in my heart. “I would’ve wanted you no matter what. Even though things were new between us, and we were figuring us out, I would’ve been there for you. I don’t give a damn what you look like. I care about you. Do you really think you being sick and going through all that shit would’ve scared me away? There’s no fucking way.”
When my hand begins to tremble, he squeezes it tighter. “I was scared,” I reply tearfully. “I had people telling me what to think and what to do. My whole life just went upside down.”
“I fucking hate that you went through that alone.”
