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Alex chews the inside of his cheek. “She might. She doesn’t even curse out her fucking loser ex anymore. She says she doesn’t want to waste her breath on him. She wants to focus on positive things.”
“I’m just worried we could ruin her happiness. She’s going to be planning a wedding now. We’re both going to be huge parts of that. I can’t bear the thought of wrecking that for her or not being a part of her big day. I’d never forgive myself.”
He nods slowly. “I get that. I feel that, too.” My heart begins to sink in tiny increments, but then he says, “But we deserve to be happy, too. Lily loves both of us. She wants both of us to be happy. Even though she might not exactly love the idea of us, she should be able to accept it, even if she doesn’t like it.”
I don’t want my best friend to just accept us as a couple. I want her to be happy for me and for Alex. I want her to root for us like we’re rooting for her and Marcus. I want the four of us to be able to spend time together like we did tonight. I don’t want her to feel icky every time she’s around us.
“I don’t want her to decide to accept us from a distance. What if she never wants to see us together and will only see us separately? I’d hate that, and so would you. It would divide us. We can’t be a happy family like that, and that’s what I really want.”
That’s all I want. My family. Happy and together.
“That’s what I want, too.”
My chest constricts with worry. “What if she gets so upset about us being together that she never wants to see me again at all? Or you? What if she doesn’t want you to see Brian anymore? I don’t know if I can live with that. Not just losing her, but also knowing I had a hand in destroying your relationship with her? I’d be devastated, Alex.” I shake my head sadly. “I don’t know what to think. It might just be an impossible situation.”
“I don’t want to believe that.” His rough fingers tense in mine. “I just don’t know how she’s going to react. What do you want to do? Go back to being just friends?”
Shock and fear snap my head in his direction, whipping my hair around. “No. I-I don’t want to lose you. Is that what you want? To be friends? I—”
I have to stop myself from saying anything else. I’m afraid if I say how I really feel—that I feel like I was born in love with him and can’t imagine life without him. How I’ve never been able to feel anything at all for any other guy. That every single thought of my future includes him. That I’ll sound unhinged again.
We pull into the driveway and he kills the engine. We sit in the dark for a few minutes with the sound of the car settling, filling the silence between us with its little dings and whirs.
His suddenly gruff voice startles me. “Penny, I’m not sure what the right thing to do is. This is gonna sound crazy, but I don’t even fucking care anymore. I feel like right from the beginning we’ve had this weird unspoken connection. I don’t even remember falling in love with you, but I did, in some quiet, slow way. Like with every breath I’ve taken since I met you, our hearts were growing together. Even while you were in California, it didn’t waver. Not for a fucking minute. I didn’t tell you this, but Mikey tried to set me up with some girls. I went and talked to them at the bar so he’d leave me the hell alone, but I couldn’t feel a fucking thing.” He lets out a short laugh. “Actually, wait, I did feel something. I felt like shit. I felt like I was cheating on you. I couldn’t wait to get back home, read all your texts again, look at your picture, and just wait.” He takes a deep breath, as if he’s relieved. “Because I’ve always known…I’ve always felt it in my fucking gut, that if I just wait, we’re going to be together, we’re going to be happy, and everything will finally be right.”
My heartbeat vibrates in my ears. “Alex,” I whisper. “I’ve always felt that way, too.”
He shifts his body in the seat to face me, still holding on to my hand. “I’ve been wanting to say all this for a long time, but I always end up saying fragments of what I feel. I’ve been scared of saying too much, because you’re so much younger than me. And because you’re Lily’s friend, and I’m afraid I’m going to scare you.”
