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Cassidy thought of the things that used to prompt boys in high school to call something gay or to label another boy as gay, and realized it was true.
"Yeah, cuz acting in ways that someone thinks of as feminine is only bad if you think being a woman is less valuable than being a man. If our society respected and admired women, then it wouldn’t be an insult to be compared to one. So there’s all this cultural stuff. But, to answer your question, I’m nonbinary. Social performances aside, when I think about how I feel when I’m alone? Sometimes I feel more toward the masculine side of things, sometimes more toward the feminine, sometimes pretty androgynous. Does that make sense?"
Cassidy nodded slowly, processing. "But you don’t use different pronouns on different days?"
"No. Cuz even on days I feel more masculine, I don’t feel completely male, et cetera. Like, if you think of the word nonbinary, it helps. I never feel on either side of a gender binary. I don’t believe gender is a binary that’s composed of either man or woman."
"Okay, I see. I think."
"It’s maybe hard to understand if you’ve never thought analytically about your own gender. Like, I have friends who completely, straightforwardly, non-angstily feel like women or like men. And even if you feel like one gender or another, it doesn’t mean that you like how people treat you. Then I have friends who have chafed against their birth sex their entire lives. And friends whose perception of their own gender has shifted over time. I have agender friends who don’t feel like gender is a thing they have at all. There are so many ways to feel about your gender, and that’s why it’s great to ask. Really, when in doubt about anything, just ask."
"River?"
"Yeah?"
"Can I ask you something else?"
"Duh, I just said that."
"Can I kiss you?"
"That’s not what I thought you were gonna ask," they said softly.
"I don’t mean to interrupt our conversation. I’m really invested in it. But you did say when in doubt to ask." He shrugged. "I am in doubt. So I’m asking."
River’s smile was slow and sweet.
"Yes, please."
Cassidy’s heart began to race. He leaned in and cupped River’s cheek in his palm. Their pupils were huge in the dark, their skin soft.
"I want to say that you look … amazing right now, but I don’t wanna use a word that seems gendered," Cassidy whispered.
"Thank you," River whispered back. "Let’s table the linguistic discussion until it isn’t totally ruining the moment."
Cassidy grinned.
"Noted."
He leaned in as River’s eyes fluttered closed. When their lips met, River gasped and melted into the kiss. The sound sent liquid fire coursing through his veins. He deepened the kiss, River’s mouth hot and soft, the taste of them exquisite.
River clutched Cassidy’s shoulder and slid their other hand in his hair. They were trembling.
Cassidy ended the kiss and pressed his forehead against River’s.
"Wow," River said, then looked embarrassed.
"I agree."
Cassidy took a moment to calm his breathing, then asked, "How are you doing?"
"Honestly? Freezing. And great."
They grinned and it slid through Cassidy like a sluice of heat.
Oh, damn. I am in so much trouble.
"Well, let’s get you warm," he said.
But neither of them moved for a minute. They sat there, beneath a canopy of stars, and looked at one another.
So, so much trouble.
CHAPTER 17
River
Cassidy: I had a wonderful time last night, River.
River: Me too
Cassidy: I really want to go out with you again.
Cassidy: What do you think?
River: Um, yes, I definitely want to
Cassidy: You just tell me where and what and I’m in.
River: You want me to plan it?
Cassidy: Well I did plan the last date and that didn’t work out so well :D
Cassidy: I mean because we didn’t end up doing what I planned, not because the date didn’t work out well. The date worked out just excellently ;)
Cassidy: For me, anyway.
Cassidy: Shit, did I offend you? I can also plan the date?
River: Sorry, cat peed on me
River: The date worked out excellently for me too :)
Cassidy: Oh phew!
River: Are you free on thursday evening?
Cassidy: I’ll be free whenever you want me.
River: It’s a date :)
"Why’s it called that?" Gus asked, frowning at her math homework.
"No clue, dude. You’re gonna outpace me in the math homework help department in a few years, sorry to say."
"You don’t help me with my math homework," Gus said.
"I don’t? What am I doing sitting here and working on your math homework with you, then?"
"Keeping me company," she said. "And sometimes I ask you questions so you don’t get bored and leave."
River groaned.
"Jeez, the one way I thought I was useful to you," they joked.
"Don’t be sad cuz I don’t need you," Gus said. "Daddy says it’s illegal for him to leave me alone in case I burn the house down or die or something, so he needs you cuz I don’t want him to get in trouble."
