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"I don’t see you much as a skater."
"Oh, definitely not," River laughed. "I’d die."
"What about your mom?"
"If she weren’t married to my dad maybe she’d be an okay person?"
River couldn’t imagine her outside the equation of the family she’d created.
"But she just went along with whatever he said, even when I could tell she didn’t agree. Even after my sister had Gus—"
"Your sister is Gus’ mom?"
"Yeah, Marina. I think she knew that she wasn’t going to be able to be a parent, but she hoped so hard that maybe having a baby would force her to be? Anyway, she wasn’t able to get clean and Adam adopted Gus when she was a baby. Which is awesome for everyone. But anyway, my mom wanted to raise the baby as their own after Marina left but my dad wouldn’t agree. Said it was Marina’s mess and she’d clean it up or pay the consequences."
Cassidy shook his head. "Yeah, it definitely wouldn’t be the baby who paid the consequences."
"Funny how he didn’t seem to care about the baby at all, huh? Pretty in character. And my mom capitulated. They didn’t even know I’d called Adam until he showed up at the house with Marina’s permission to take the baby. He was living in Boulder then, so he took Gus back there."
"But your mom was excited? To be a grandparent?"
"My mom’s never precisely excited about anything. She’s kind of a mystery to me. It’s like she doesn’t care about anything so that she’s not disappointed, no matter what happens?"
"Sounds like a useful defense mechanism if she was prepared to have to go along with anything your dad decreed."
River nodded. They’d discussed this with Adam often enough.
"Adam thinks our dad picked her because she’s so malleable. They never fight because she never stands her ground about anything."
"That sounds pretty dismal."
"Right!? She’s like a zombie. I have a sick fascination with what’s going on inside her head. Like, I’ve fantasized about getting her really stoned and seeing if she’d let her guard drop. But, ya know, then I’d have to spend time with her."
"What’s she like when you’re alone?"
"It’s been years. But when I was younger she’d just kind of chatter about nothing. Whatever she was doing or who she’d seen at the supermarket or what was on sale. It was all mind-numbingly dull, and I couldn’t tell if she wanted me to answer her or if she was just talking to herself, which meant I was always on edge.”
River remembered trying to engage her by responding and seeing the surprise in her face as she remembered they were listening.
“And she would never answer any of what she called personal questions, which could be anything from 'How old were you when you and Dad got married?' to 'Do you prefer cats or dogs?', and she refused to entertain hypotheticals. If I asked something like 'Where would you want to live if you didn’t live in Wyoming?' she would be like, ‘But I do live in Wyoming.’ So, I don’t actually know that much about her. It’s kinda sad. Not that she knows me either."
Once, this had made River feel exceptionally lonely. Living in a house with two people you were forcibly connected to but shared nothing with made River feel like a fist, clenched so tight they ached.
Cassidy rolled onto his side toward River.
"Her incredible loss," he said, and kissed River’s cheek.
River rolled toward him so they were facing one another and buried their face in Cassidy’s neck. Cassidy’s arms came around them and it felt so natural, so right to be held by him.
"So yeah, no family Christmas for me. What about you?"
Cassidy shifted them so that River was lying in the crook of his arm. They moved slowly to avoid squishing the cats.
"My mom died two years ago."
River squeezed him.
"I’m so sorry. Unless you felt about her the way I feel about my mom. In that case, I don’t mean to presume."
They could feel the vibrations of Cassidy’s soft chuckle through his chest.
"She was complicated, but mostly great," he said. "Neither she or my dad ever cared much about Christmas, so it was never a big thing when I was a kid. The last couple years it’s been easy to let it go. My dad’s ... He’s a very kind man, very generous. But he’s not really present. Any time you talk to him it’s like you’re pulling him out of his real life, which is in his head."
"Is that since your mom died, or always?"
"Always, but it’s become more consistent as he’s gotten older. We hired a nurse who looks in on him a few times a week, but pretty soon we’re gonna have to discuss something more full-time."
For a moment, Cassidy looked like a lost little boy. Then he sat up and waggled his fingers to the nearest cats. Inspector Gadget took him up on this gambit and began dive-bombing his hand.
