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I rubbed my forehead. How many other people knew about Stevie before I did?
Adrienne could tell where my head was at, because she gave a sympathetic smile. “Fi’s parents didn’t even know about Stevie until she was around three or four, and they only found out because they ran into each other in a grocery store. But I’m gonna tell you right now, they’re going to use this as an opportunity to fight for custody. They’re already mad that she’s with me and not them right now. I’ve been ignoring their calls like crazy.”
There was no way I’d let Stevie go to their house. No fucking way. Fi ran away for a reason, and now that I knew Stevie was my daughter, I was never letting her go. I knew what it was like to grow up thinking your parents didn’t care about you and never even really wanted you. Casey always tried to give me enough love and assurance, but… it always felt like I was missing something. I was determined not to let Stevie feel that way.
I nodded. “Okay, so, what do I do?”
She bit her lip. “First off, I’d get a legit paternity test to prove you’re the dad, even though it’s pretty obvious. I’d get everything set up to take care of her. Have a solid place to live, enroll her in school. All that.”
My mind started reeling with a million questions.
“You can do this, Tyler. You’re a good one,” she said with a small smile.
Those words snapped me back in time and my throat clogged with emotion. “Where’s Stevie right now? Where’s she been staying?”
“I have temporary custody. She’s with my roommate, but I hate leaving her there when I work late shifts. It’s only been two days.”
My jaw clenched. Just two more days that I’d already lost. “When can I see her?”
“I’ll drop her off tomorrow morning.”
________
After I got back to my apartment, I really wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone, even though I knew I should find Josie and fill her in. And I knew it wasn’t fair that I was the one to break down her barriers just to run away from her now. But the truth was, I didn’t want to face her because I wasn’t sure where we stood.
This morning shifted things drastically, and I was scared shitless to ask her what she thought about everything in fear that she’d want out. This wasn’t what she signed up for. She signed up for a single guy with no worries other than hockey, not a single dad trying to find his footing. I couldn’t give her my all anymore because I needed time for myself and Stevie.
And… I was worried.
Each time I was in a room with Josie, everything else, everyoneelse, faded to the background. She was my center. She was the only person I cared about. And it felt stupid to even think this way, but I was honestly afraid that if I was with her, I’d let my daughter fade to the background too. I knew it was probably a ridiculous fear, but I had no experience with this.
What I did have experience with: Feeling unwanted by my own parents as a kid. There’s no way I wanted Stevie to ever feel that way.
It was ironic really… I was the one pushing Josie to be a romantic, and reality just gave me a huge fucking cross-check to the back of the head.
The other reason I was hiding from her: I blurted out all my deepest secrets to her in a panicked rage this morning, and the embarrassment still stung. She probably realized I wasn’t even in her league. A high school dropout dating a teacher with a masters degree? Not sure that really works.
But around 10pm, there was a light knocking on my door, and I knew it’d be her.
I shuffled across the room feeling the weight of dread looming over my head.
Opening my door, I was hit with her usual vanilla scent, and I bitterly thought it’d become a thing of nostalgia. I hesitantly met her eyes and grimaced, waiting for the blow.
But to my shock, she didn’t even hesitate. She lifted on her tiptoes and pressed a kiss to my jaw, then pushed inside my apartment wearing her pj’s with a backpack slung over her shoulder.
She plopped on our sectional couch, fixed reading glasses on her face, making her look incredibly cute, then gathered her hair in a messy bun. I loved watching her make herself comfortable in my space.
When she realized I was still standing by the door, she gave me a stern teacher-look and patted the couch beside her. “C’mon, sit,” she ordered, beckoning me forward.
The corners of my lips curved into a reluctant smile.
As soon as I sat, her eyebrows drew together, making her look pensive. “First off, I want to help any way that I can, okay?”
My body went rigid with tension. “You don’t have to,” I said too quickly.
She fixed me with aknock-it-offlook. “This is the same as when you said you wanted to look out for me. You didn’t have to, but you wanted to, right? Iwantto help you. And I know I’m a little out of the loop here, and that’s totally fine. You need time to figure things out and to bond with her, and I don’t want to force my presence in anyway. I’m expecting us to take a little break. Am I right in that assumption?”
I leaned over my knees and rubbed a hand over my jaw to hide the hurt on my face. I didn’t want a break. I wanted her. But I felt like I was drowning under the weight of everything and I didn’t want to drag her down with me. I just wished I could hit a pause button and fix everything. My head just wasn’t in the right place.
