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Just as the sweet black bliss is about to consume me, something vibrates in my pocket. Fumbling, I manage to pull my phone out and put it to my ear. "Ello?" I slur.
"Teddy. It's Mother Superior," the voice on the other end of the line says, her tone soft yet stern. "I have something important to tell you."
ChapterForty-Six
I sit at the little table in my room, the low light casting a somber glow over everything. The pink journal trembles in my hands as I struggle to understand how Teddy came to have it. He must've grabbed it when he was cleaning up the house years ago, but why would he keep it all this time?
"Damn you, Teddy," I mutter under my breath, trying to suppress the emotions welling up inside me. This relic from my past was the one thing I had cherished as a child, the one thing I could keep hidden from my parents. It was my escape, my sanctuary from the nightmare that was my life. And now it's back, just like that, looking almost untouched by time.
With shaking hands, I gently open the notebook and find the inscription I wrote so long ago: "A place to dream for a girl living a nightmare." God, I didn't mean for it to sound so depressing at the time, but reading it now, knowing that teenage me wrote those words... A tear escapes and rolls down my cheek.
"Get a grip," I tell myself, wiping away the tear and taking a deep breath. I remember bits and pieces of what I wrote in these pages – mostly hopes and dreams. Sometimes I'd recount the day's events, but I'd change them into happy memories. A lot of times, I'd write about loving parents, hoping that if I put those words on paper enough times, maybe mine would turn into that too. Funny how that never worked out.
A lump forms in my throat as I flip to the next page. Seeing my old handwriting brings back memories, and it's almost too much to bear. Instead of reading, I just start flipping through the pages, not really seeing the words as much as feeling the weight of them. It feels like a lifetime ago, but the emotions still cut deep.
"Shit, why am I doing this to myself?" I mutter under my breath.
Finally, I stop at my very last entry. It's different from all the others. There's no hope here, no pretending that things could be better. The ink is blotted with dried tears and the page wrinkles from the water that fell from my eyes. My hands tremble as I read the words out loud, "All I wanted in this world was for someone to love me, but I've never been enough."
I slam the book shut. My heart pounds in my chest as I close my eyes, trying to hold back the flood of tears threatening to escape. Teddy... he was the one who showed me love when I didn't think it was possible. I can't help but think about the way his blue eyes held so much pain when I told him to bring me here.
"Stupid, stupid, stupid," I say, pounding my fist on the table.
I press my palms against my eyes, willing the tears away. I know deep down that Teddy still loves me, even though he pretends otherwise. Heartbreak doesn't exist without love, and I saw the heartbreak in his eyes when we parted ways.
"Get yourself together," I tell myself firmly. "You're stronger than this."
But am I? The truth is, I don't know anymore. All I know is that I feel lost without Teddy now, and the thought of never being with him... well, it's a pain I can barely stand.
"God, I'm such a mess," I say, wiping away the tears and taking a shaky breath.
A gentle knock on my door pulls me back to reality. "Come in," I say, wiping away the last of my tears.
The door creaks open and one of the sisters appears. "Prayer is beginning soon. Everyone is looking for you."
"Thanks," I mumble, tucking the little pink journal into the drawer of the desk, as if hiding away a piece of my soul. It feels both comforting and painful, a reminder of the child I once was. I rise from the chair, the weight of my decision pressing down on me like a hundred bricks.
"Lead the way," I tell the sister, forcing a tight-lipped smile. She nods and turns. As we walk through the corridors, I try to focus on the sound of our footsteps echoing on the cold stone floor. Anything to keep my thoughts from spiraling back to Teddy.
"Are you alright, dear?" she asks in a hushed tone, casting a sideways glance at me. Her eyes are filled with concern, but also something else – a hint of curiosity, maybe? It's hard to tell with these sisters; they've always been a bit enigmatic to me.
"Fine," I lie, the word tasting like ash in my mouth. "Just lost in thought, that's all."
She nods, accepting my answer without question. A part of me wishes she'd pry more, ask about what's really going on in my heart. But then again, what good would it do? No amount of talking can change the fact that I chose this life over Teddy, even if it breaks my heart a little more each day.
We reach the chapel, and the sisters are gathered in their usual spots, heads bowed in silent prayer. I take a deep breath and follow the sister to my place, filling my lungs with the familiar smells of wax and old wood.
"May God grant you peace," she whispers before leaving me to join the others.
"Peace," I mutter under my breath, the word feeling like a cruel joke. My heart is anything but peaceful, tangled up in thoughts of Teddy and the life we could have had together. As I kneel down and bow my head, I can't help but wonder if I'll ever find that elusive sense of tranquility I've been searching for.
"Raven, focus," I chide myself, forcing my thoughts back to the present moment. But even as I try to concentrate on the prayers, my mind keeps drifting back to the little pink journal and the girl who dreamed of love – a love that, in the end, she couldn't hold on to.
ChapterForty-Seven
Time moves at an odd pace inside these walls. In a way, it feels similar to the time spent in cages. I often lose track of what day it is or what time it is.
But today I very clearly know. Today, I intend to take my final vows. I walk into the sanctuary, my footsteps echoing against the solemn walls. The air is heavy with the scent of old wood and incense. Soft music plays in the background, a haunting melody that fills the space with an almost ethereal quality. Stained glass windows cast vibrant colors across the polished pews, the images of saints gazing down at me as if they know what's hidden in my heart.
