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My sisters surround me, their faces glowing with pride as they watch me prepare to take my final vows. Their dark habits rustle softly as they whisper prayers for me beneath their breaths. I can feel their love and support, but deep inside, I also know that if they could see the doubt festering within me, they might not be so eager to stand by my side.
I slide into a pew near the front, the cold wood pressing against my knees as I kneel down. I close my eyes, attempting to focus on prayer, but instead, my thoughts drift to Teddy. The quiet laughter we shared, the warmth of his arms around me, the safety I once felt in his presence.
"God, I'm such a mess," I whisper, not to any higher power, but to myself. I try to convince myself that this is the right thing to do - that all this time, I thought I was better off without Teddy, but in reality, he's better off without me in his life. I blink back the tears threatening to spill from my eyes, but it's no use; they flood down my cheeks like a dam breaking loose.
"Get it together," I scold myself, wiping at my face with trembling fingers. "This should be joyful. You're devoting your life to something greater." But the more I try to picture a life without Teddy, the more the fear and dread claw at my insides, and I can't stop the tears that continue to leak from my eyes.
"Lord, give me strength," I murmur, finally letting my whispered words drift upwards in a plea for help. But as the music swells around me, its melody intertwined with the sound of my own ragged breathing, I can't shake the feeling that maybe I'm making the wrong choice. Maybe Teddy is the one I should be clinging to, instead of trying to push him away. And as the weight of that realization crashes down upon me, I can't help but wonder if it's already too late to change my mind.
The opening prayer comes to an end, and we all rise as one. The organist strikes the first note of "Amazing Grace" and my gut twists. It's like the universe is mocking me, trying to remind me of the grace that I'm about to turn my back on. My voice wavers as I attempt to sing along, barely able to form the words while my sisters sway beside me, their smiles serene.
Their happiness only makes my heart ache more. The hymn finally ends, and we kneel again, our heads bowed in reverence. The litany of the saints begins, each name echoing through the sanctuary, a reminder of those who have come before me, who have answered the call I now question.
One by one, Mother Superior calls the sisters forward. When a novitiate takes their vows, it's an opportunity for the others to reaffirm their own commitment, and they approach the altar with a joy that seems utterly foreign to me. They've found their purpose, their true calling, and in this moment, I feel a pang of jealousy.
"Is it even real? Did God ever really speak to me?" I wonder, my hands clasped tightly together as I kneel in the pew. Maybe it was just my circumstances playing tricks on me, my mind conjuring up something to cling to because I couldn't face what my parents had done to me – or what I'd done to them.
As another sister steps forward and renews her vows, the sound of their joyful voices fills the air, leaving me feeling more alone than ever.
"Teddy," I whisper under my breath, his name a prayer in itself. "Please forgive me for what I'm about to do."
It's too late now. The choice has been made, and all that's left is to see where this path will lead – whether it brings me closer to God or further from the love I've left behind.
"Raven," Mother Superior calls my name, and a chill runs down my spine. It's time. I stand up, my legs feeling like they're made of gelatin, barely able to support my weight. As I walk towards the altar, I can feel the weight of everyone's eyes on me, but all I can think about is Teddy – his laughter, his warmth, and the way he could make me forget about everything else for a little while.
Mother Superior looks at me with a mix of concern and curiosity as I approach her. She places her hands on my shoulders, her touch gentle yet firm, and begins to pray.
"Gracious and Eternal God, We come before You in awe and reverence, acknowledging Your sovereignty over all creation. As we stand, Your humble servant approaches to consecrate her life; we humbly offer this prayer of consecration."
Her words echo through the sanctuary, bouncing off the high, vaulted ceilings, and something within me shatters. Tears spring to my eyes, cascading down my cheeks as my body is wracked with sobs. The vows that are meant to bring me closer to God, to a life of service and devotion, only serve to remind me of what I'm leaving behind – of what I've already lost.
By the time Mother Superior finishes reading the vows, my vision is blurred by the tears streaming down my face. I can barely make out her figure as she turns to present the ring and habit, symbols of my commitment to this new life. She kneels before me, and I sense that something has shifted in her presence.
Suddenly, fingers swipe at my tears, gently clearing away the wet streaks that obscure my vision. One by one, the details of the world around me come back into focus, and I see the last person I ever expected: Teddy. His blue eyes shimmer with unshed tears as he kneels before me, holding an engagement ring with hands that are damp from wiping away my tears.
"Teddy?" I stammer, my voice choked with emotion. "What... how?" Confusion and disbelief war within me as I look up at Mother Superior, then around at my sisters, all of whom are smiling warmly, as though they've been in on this secret from the beginning.
"Raven," Teddy says, his voice trembling with the weight of his confession. "I've lied to you."
My heart feels like it's being squeezed in a vice as I stare at him, my face wet with tears. He's lied to me? The sanctuary seems to close in around us, the air thick and heavy, as he continues.
"I told you I'd be happy for you to find peace and live out your life here. The truth is, that was a lie. Maybe it's selfish. Maybe I'm taking you away from something that would give you a life of peace but right now, I can't imagine a life without you. So, I have to ask you. I have to know. Will you leave all this behind? Marry me? Take my name and be my wife and start anew with me?"
"Teddy... after everything?" I sob, my hazel eyes searching his blue ones for any sign of doubt or hesitation. "You still want me?"
He shakes his head, and my heart clenches even tighter. "No, I don't want you, Raven." For a brief moment, my world threatens to crumble around me, but then he goes on. "Want is such an insufficient word for what you mean to me. You're not just a want. You're not even a need. You are a compulsion. You consume my every thought. My every step. My every moment. When I'm with you, I never feel alone. When I'm with you, I'm home. When I'm with you, I'm at peace."
The intensity of his words sends shivers down my spine, and I fall into his arms, letting the ring he's holding drop to the ground with a dull clatter. He doesn't seem to care; he just holds me so tight that I can't breathe, and the only thing I can feel is him – the solid warmth of his body, the beating of his heart against my own.
I let go of everything else around me and fall into his embrace. His arms wrapped around me feel like heaven, squeezing out the last bit of air from my lungs.
"I lied too," I admit, my voice barely audible. "Because, I can't do this whole life thing without you, either." My words hang heavy in the air between us. "I know I said I could, but it was a lie." Over Teddy's shoulder, I catch Mother Superior's gaze.
"I'm sorry, Mother," I tell her. "But I can't take my vows."
Her warm smile catches me off guard. She bows her head and speaks softly, "Just because you don't take your vows doesn't mean you can't honor God in other ways, my dear. Sometimes it takes going to a place to find out you don't belong there. But you'd never know until you went there."
She places her hands on both me and Teddy, her touch gentle and reassuring. "I think God has other plans for you both. The bloodshed in this city is increasing. Perhaps you can both work towards putting an end to that together."
