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"Do you have any family nearby?" he asks.
"I don't have any family," I say bluntly.
"I'm sorry to hear that," he says. "My blood relatives are somewhat close, but I made a new family within the church. Your family doesn't always mean those you're born into."
I don't respond. I don't even know what to say. If this man knew what I did to my "family," he would surely banish me from his church.
And he would be right to do so.
Even still, he seems like a nice man. And I've been carrying the burden of my guilt for so long. Sometimes I wished that I could tell just one other person what I did.
"You did tell one other person,"a voice inside of me chides."And you left him behind."
"Are you from this area?" he asks me.
"No," I say. "I'm from the East coast."
"That's a far way to travel," he remarks.
I shrug. "I hitchhiked my way across."
"A little dangerous these days, but I also think there is good in each of us."
I shrug again. There's no way this man knows, but I've seen the true bad in people. For the most part, even when you desperately try to look for the good, it's the bad that you get.
"Seems more like when you give men certain things without a fight, they're less likely to hurt you." I rub a couple of burns on my right arm out of habit. They're all healed now, but it took ages for the stinging to go away. "For the most part," I qualify.
"I'm sorry to hear that," he says to me.
"What's done is done."
"I suppose. I guess the question is whether you want it to continue that way."
"Who would ever want their life to continue this way?" I suddenly blurt out.
"What is it you want for yourself?" he asks me.
I'm quiet for a long time, but he doesn't push me to answer.
WhatdoI even want for myself?
It takes me a while, but I finally have an answer.
"A warm place to sleep, clothes that are clean, and . . . "
Do I dare admit this to him?
"Forgiveness," I finally say.
"All you need to do to earn forgiveness is to truly seek it," he says to me. "Our Lord is merciful."
"Not even God could forgive me for what I've done," I say. I don't want to say these things to him, but I feel helpless to stop myself. I feel as if I'm a river that has been dammed up for years and someone is finally starting to break through the stone.
"God forgives all sins for those who truly ask for forgiveness," he says.
I hesitate.
"How do I truly ask?" I finally say.
